A couple of weeks ago I met a young guy that I will call Dominic. When I say he’s young, he’s approximately 25 or 26 years old. Dominic works construction as a foreman or some such for his company. Dominic has a son and is now divorced.
Dominic and I met over a couple of beers and he told me some of his life story. His wife filed for divorce about a year ago and that divorce is now finalized and done. The now ex-wife has moved on with her life and is actively dating and fucking other guys. Dominic gets to see his son every other weekend and he has quite a bit of parental rights that he exercises. Dominic pays his ex-wife some form of child support.
Pretty standard situation huh? But here’s where it gets interesting:
Dominic knows that his ex-wife is dating and fucking other dudes. Dominic has had a couple of women in his life since his divorce, but nothing lasting and nothing serious. Dominic loves his son. Dominic spends as much time with his son that he can. Dominic (as far as I know, isn’t behind in child support payments) is trying to be a good father.
Dominic is also wanting to get back with his ex-wife.
Dominic crashes at a friend’s house on occasion even though he has a place of his own to crash at, all in order to be closer to his son.
Dominic sometimes sleeps in his truck, hoping and waiting for his ex-wife to invite him back into the house that they once shared.
Dominic’s ex-wife sometimes lets him stay at what was once his home, but only occasionally.
Dominic isn’t fucking his now ex-wife, but he wants to.
Dominic has all sorts of excuses, rationalizations, and reasons for what he is doing. He truly believes that he’s going to change his ex-wife’s mind and that she will “see the light and the error of her ways” and take him back. It’s what he truly believes and really wants.
Do you think he will or would listen to reason?
Do you think he’ll change his mind without burning first?
Do you think I said anything to him about his situation? Or do you think I just enjoyed a couple of beers with him and decided to let him burn?
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Those that are willingly blind will remain so until they decide to open their eyes and truly see. You can’t change any of it.
You let them burn. You stand by and either hand them a rag to wipe the soot off of their faces when they are done burning, or you hand them a match and a can of gasoline and watch the show.
You don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You don’t throw yourself onto their hand grenade that they are bound and determined to jump on.
You let them burn.
You can be sympathetic to their trials and tribulations. Your heart can bleed for what they are going through. It’s not your problem though. It’s not your circus or your monkeys. You let them burn. It’s really the only way that they will learn whatever it is that they need to learn.
I watched other people try and tell Dominic that what he was doing was folly and that he was ultimately hurting himself. They tried to tell him to have some self-respect. They tried to tell him all sorts of things that he turned a blind eye and a deaf ear on.
I just smiled, nodded, agreed with him where it was appropriate, and enjoyed my beer. No sense wasting time or my breath telling him things that he wasn’t ready and willing to hear. He gets to burn some more.
As he was leaving for the night, he turned to me and said, “Man I like you. You’re a cool dude. I hope to catch up with you again.”
I told him I felt the same, and I do. But he’s not ready to hear what needs to be heard. He’s not ready to see what needs to be seen. He gets to burn some more.
At least the beer was free and it was cold and the pizza that he brought with him was hot and gooey.
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One thought on “Dominic”
You’re right, no sense investing emotionally in what he doesn’t want to hear. He’ll get it one day, and then he’ll thank you for letting him learn on his own.
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