I saw this tweet/poll the other day and of course, I answered it. I remember more the girls I have slept with than the girls that I have failed to sleep with. In more recent times, there’s only been one woman that I “failed” to sleep with that sticks out in my mind, and that was Sheila. The only reason that she sticks out to me is because she hit all of my physical buttons. She was short, petite, in shape, and didn’t have any children. However, her red flags were more than I could deal with, especially when all I wanted to do was bang. I’m reasonably certain that I could have banged her if I had put more time and energy into pursuing her, but the ROI wasn’t worth it to me.
Did I “fail?” If by failing you mean, I didn’t get what I wanted which was to have sex with her, then yes, I failed. But does that make me a failure? No.
This may come as a surprise to some of you out there, but I fail at something, sometimes many somethings, several times a day. I fuck shit up constantly, I don’t always get whatever it was that I was after, I fail and I get up, dust myself off and I go at it again. I learn from my failings and I learn to improvise, adapt, and overcome. Sometimes I learn that whatever it was that I was after wasn’t worth the price of admission. Sometimes I’m lazy and I just can’t be bothered because I don’t really want it that bad. Sometimes things are totally out of my control and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it but admit defeat and do a tactical withdrawal and either go at it from a different direction or just let it go entirely.
Every woman that I have had any form of relationship with, I have learned something. Every woman that I didn’t have a relationship in one form or another, I learned something. I’m always failing and I’m always learning. But I’m not a failure.
It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to try something and fuck it up. It’s okay to not get what you were going after. It happens. It’s not okay to just give up and consider that somehow it’s you that is completely the problem. Giving up is failure. Failure is when you assume it’s something about you and you can do nothing about it. It becomes omnipresent, static, and there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s not about you, it is you.
Guys bitching that they can’t get laid because they are short are failures. They are making something that is completely out of their control their issue. Might as well just give up. If only you were taller, that would fix everything. Except it doesn’t. And women in general don’t give a fuck about your height. Not nearly as much as you do.
I’m not throwing shade at this guy for his comment to that poll. The truth is, I happen to really like this guy as far as being internet acquaintances goes. I’m also not going to try to read his mind. Why he focuses on his losses is anyone’s guess but his. He’s the only one that truly knows why he chooses to focus on the ones that got away versus the ones that he succeeded with. Does he think he is a failure? Hard to say for sure, but it appears that way to me. His last line “But I can still see the faces of all the attractive girls I’ve approached that I ultimately wasn’t good enough for,” tells me enough. I don’t know his situation, I don’t know the context, the nuance, and the details of his situation. In short, I don’t know enough about him to come to a solid decision as to what is going on here. It’s mostly a wild guess on my part but his tweet stood out to me. I like his honesty and personally, regardless of what he thinks or doesn’t think of himself, I don’t consider him a failure. Whatever he’s doing isn’t working is all. Maybe it’s time for him to try something different. Whether that be approaching women differently in different venues, or even moving to another town, city, state, or country. He has options whether he can see them or not. And if he doesn’t have options, it’s on him to create options for himself. I’m sure he’ll do just fine in the long run.
How does he know “he wasn’t good enough for them?” Because he didn’t have sex with them? Maybe it wasn’t about him. Maybe she (or they) had boyfriends, were married, in a relationship that they were happy with, on their periods, just broke up with somebody, were lesbians, or just weren’t interested at the time. God knows what and why women do what they do. They don’t know and we definitely don’t know, so who cares? Maybe they like guys from another race. I’ve had that happen to me. Met a gal years ago that I found hot and wanted to bang. Turns out she liked guys from another race. If I had been of that race I would have been in. Instead I wasn’t and that was that. It wasn’t personal and it wasn’t about me. She liked what she liked. It’s funny, but women have preferences and have “types,” just like we do.
The truth is, one woman, when it comes to the physical mechanics of sex, feels pretty much like the next one. There’s no such thing as bad pussy, just some better than others. This is why I didn’t put a lot of energy, time, or effort into pursuing Sheila. I know that she would feel pretty much like the next one or the one before her when I would have been up inside her. It was the price I would have had to pay in order to get to that sex that turned me away. Don’t get me wrong, if she would have been DTF the night I went out with her, I would have had sex with her, she was that hot to me. All of the logistical bullshit that I would have had to deal with in order to get her there on date #2 or more was more than I wanted to deal with though. So I simply reached out to her, got a sort of non-committal text from her, told her “Ah, okay,” and then left it in her court to see where it would go. Turns out it went nowhere, and that’s okay by me because there’s always another woman right around the corner.
Would I bang her today if she reached out to me? Probably not. Not unless she was willing to do most, if not all of the heavy lifting to make it happen. I have other options so there’s no sense in crying over spilled milk or a missed opportunity.
You ultimately have to decide if you have failed or if you are a failure. One is a lesson and it’s really the only way that we learn and sometimes we learn quick from it. The other one is a state of being where you have little to no control over it and it is usually a static state and part of your personality or your identity. Failing is okay and you’re going to fail, with whatever you do, especially in the beginning. The other is an identity complex and has more to do with your ego than anything else. One you can learn from, the other allows you to be a victim. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.
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One thought on “Failing? Or Failure?”
While my successes and failures are not on the dating scene, I’ve had plenty of each in my life. As I look back, I see some of the things I wanted most that did not workout were blessings. Whether you believe in God, karma or whatever, I have to say looking back some of my worst losses were wins. In the end, you are where you are and you just have to move the fuck on. While some things are in your control, so many are not. All you can do is put yourself in the best position to win, and if the win turns to shit have the ability to get past it… You always make me think Rob. Thank you.
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