On Friday, there was a discussion on Twitter about the shirt that I’m wearing in the above picture. Of course, I replied.
What got me to respond to this particular thread? The fact that Redpill Chick said, “It looks like the kinda shirt an asshole would wear.”
When I first met the girlfriend, I set the tone early on in our relationship. One night we had just finished eating at one of our favorite mexican food joints and we were getting ready to go home. We had rode the motorcycle for shits and giggles and she had jumped on the back. She was mostly used to how I ride and she is a great passenger. She had intuitively learned to lean with me into the curves and how to sit on the back. She had become mostly comfortable with how I control the bike as well. Comfortable enough for me to fuck with her….just a little bit at least…
She’s on the back, but her hands aren’t around my waist yet, I don’t remember if she was messing around with her purse or whatnot, but it was time to introduce her “to the Asshole.”
So while she is messing around a bit on the back, I gun it. The bike charges forward and it knocks her back on to the backrest, aka “the bitch bar.” She squeals and then a flurry of slaps hit my back. “You asshole!” She screams.
I started laughing so hard I almost veered into the next lane over. My laughter wasn’t in my throat or upper chest, it came from deep down in my belly. Just thinking about it now still makes me chuckle.
Since then, I’ve lost count how many times she has called me an asshole. Too many.
Today I’m going to give you a primer on being an Asshole. Do not consider this document to be all inclusive and exhaustive, because it’s not. I’m sure I’ll cover some things that you would consider prime grade material for being an asshole, some material will be new to you, and of course, you’ll probably have some things that you consider essential to being an Asshole that I may not cover here. You are welcome to your own opinion of course, and I’ll be welcome to promptly disregard whatever it is that you think, feel, or say. This is my blog. You have an opinion on what makes an asshole? Go write your own blog.
Now before we go on into what makes an Asshole, let’s talk for a moment about what doesn’t make an Asshole.
- You are mean for the sake of being mean. This doesn’t make you an asshole. It makes you a douche-bag.
- You think your shit doesn’t stink. Again, this doesn’t make you an asshole, it just makes you a dick.
- You think you are better than everybody else. See douche-bag and dick above.
The point? It’s okay to be an asshole. Don’t be a dick or a douche-bag. Nobody likes either of those.
So let’s move on….
How to Be An Asshole
A lot of people will think that being an Asshole is something that you are born with. Either you’re an asshole, or you’re not. Well I’m here to tell you that being an Asshole is a skill. You can learn it. It can be acquired. But where do you start? Where do you learn how to be an Asshole?
- Assholes are all around you. So are dicks and douche-bags. First you need to learn the differences, because there are differences. People like Assholes. Nobody likes dicks and douche-bags. See above for the general characteristics of dicks and douche-bags and don’t do those things.
- Your Father might be the biggest and best Asshole that you know. Out of all the Assholes in my life, and there are a lot of them, my Father is hands down the biggest Asshole that I know. I definitely got schooled in the Art of Assholing from a black belt Master in Assholery. Does your mom call your Dad an Asshole? Mine does. All the time. To this very day. Start there.
- What about your friends? Remember that saying about “Like attracts like?” There’s truth to it. I surround myself with Assholes. Both IRL and online. I would have to say that over 95% of those I follow on Twitter are all Assholes. The guys that are part of the Red Pill? All of them are Assholes. No exceptions. Ivan Throne is a grade A Asshole. Chief Chuck? Come on. Career military Man? One of the nicest Men I’ve met on Twitter, but I guaranfuckingtee you, he’s a weapons grade Asshole. Even some of the young guys who follow and interact with me are budding assholes.
- Wear the Badge of Asshole with Honor. Even when people try to guilt and shame you with it. Don’t be a “Nice Guy.” Be an Asshole.
Okay, now let’s actually move on the the characteristics of what makes an Asshole.
- An Asshole has high self-esteem. He thinks highly of himself. He knows he’s got something to say and that his opinion matters. He has confidence literally coming out of his ass.
- An Asshole isn’t afraid to express himself. He usually has little or no filter. He tells it like it is and doesn’t sugar coat much, if anything.
- An Asshole has Zero Fucks to Give. He knows that his barrel of fucks is limited and that his time on this planet is limited, so he focuses on giving his fucks to things that matter to him. You can’t give a fuck about everything.
- An Asshole puts himself and his needs first. In order to help others, you’ve got to help yourself first.
- “Sorry” isn’t in the vocabulary of an Asshole. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t apologize, he does, if and when it is warranted, but apologies seldom happen, and “sorry” is almost unheard of.
- An Asshole has thick skin. He’s going to need it. In a world of special snowflakes, haters, and politically correct “wahmen’s,” an Asshole is going to come under direct fire at some point. It’s not a matter of if, but when.
- An Asshole has the ability to say “no” to anyone. On the other side of that coin, an Asshole almost never accepts the word “no” from anyone. Read that sentence again if it made your head spin. I’ll wait.
- An Asshole always has a plan. He makes shit happen. He doesn’t sit around waiting for things to happen. An Asshole is control of the situation as well. That doesn’t mean he is a tyrant or domineering, but that he’s willing and able to Take Care of Business.
- An Asshole is blunt and honest. Honesty is really and truly the best policy. However, if the person you are dealing with cannot and will not handle the truth? Lie your ass off. Give them what they ask for, and then charge them a ton of money for it.
- If you aren’t being called an Asshole at least once a week, then you are doing it wrong. I get called an Asshole almost daily. It’s my barometer. Not that I give a fuck about it, because at this point I don’t.
So there’s your Primer on Being an Asshole. Yes, there’s much much more that could go into it. Maybe I’ll write more about it in a later post. Maybe I’ll talk about it more in my newsletter. Maybe I’ll write a book and you can buy it.
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