Fear and Shame

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I’ve been reading several books and blogs while on my journey of the Red Pill, and I’ll probably make a post about those books that I’ve found really beneficial to me. But that’s for another time.

Right now, one of the books I’ve been reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy!” by Robert Glover really gave me a punch to the stomach and to the balls. Right from the beginning this book has made me very uncomfortable, so uncomfortable that I’ve had to put the book down for periods of time only to pick it up again at a later date and keep going. Many of the lessons and the ideas that he talks about are like opening old wounds, some that I thought had healed and scarred over, some that I was totally unaware of and didn’t know existed.

Fear and shame over sexuality was and is one of them for me. All my life, I’ve felt that sex was dirty and on some level, bad. This isn’t new for a lot of men, or women for that matter. I wasn’t raised in a strict, religious household. I wasn’t sexually assaulted or abused. My parent’s never told me that sex was bad or wrong. Other than giving me a very watered down version of the “birds and the bees,” my parent’s never talked about sex with me at all. And herein lies the issue. My mother’s idea of sex is that it’s something you do with someone you love and something you do when you’re married. So my wanting to have sex was somehow wrong and bad, at least that’s how I saw it growing up. I wasn’t in love with girls and women that I saw, I was in lust. I wanted to fuck them, I didn’t want to marry them and make a bunch of babies.

I also picked up the idea somewhere along the way, that women didn’t like sex. Maybe it was my parent’s lack of talking about it, maybe it was after I had my first sexual relationship, the girl I was seeing/fucking said that maybe we shouldn’t have had sex as early as we did, and that maybe we should cut down and/or stop having sex altogether. Years later, I realized what was going on here, but at the time, it seemed to me that she didn’t like sex, regretted the sex that we had, and didn’t want to have sex anymore, especially with me. Maybe it was some of the girls I hung around with at that time that had their own hangups about sex and men as well. I’m sure it’s all of the above and probably some more that I haven’t even tapped into. God, it sucks being in my head sometimes.

Sex for me was enjoyable and I wanted it all the time. I still do. The fear and shame kick in though. I sometimes wonder on some level if the women I sleep with, or have slept with enjoy/enjoyed the sex. I still feel like I’m “pestering” them if I want sex, and in all honesty, I hate asking for it. I don’t beg or do the “please please please can we have sex please?” But I will on occasion straight up ask, “I’m feeling real turned on by you, would you like to have sex?” Sometimes I get a yes and we do, sometimes it’s no, and there is some sort of reason behind it. I hate rejection. I hate being told no. I take it personal. Like it’s me that’s the problem, when I know it’s not me. She’s not in the mood, she had a long day, she’s sick, on her period, busy, pissed off, etc. It sounds bad reading this, I know. It sounds like rationalizations too, I’m sure. Maybe some of them are. Some of them aren’t though. There are times I’ve turned down sex when approached because of a headache or I’m pissed or tired or whatever, and it wasn’t about them. Sometimes I’m being lazy. I like it when a woman initiates sex with me. It turns me on. I don’t have to risk rejection. I can do the rejecting if that’s what I’m wanting to do.

Sex has always been something that is taboo to me I guess. I like fucking in public. I like bondage, especially tying her up. I like sex where we run the risk of getting caught. I’ve even had sex with married women. Not my most shining moment, but there it is. I even had sex in a brothel with a prostitute when I turned 21. Something that I just had to try and experience. Not a bad experience, but not something I would do again.

From what Glover said in “No More Mr. Nice Guy!” in order to get through and past the fear and shame, I need to come clean about it. I need to talk to others about it. “Safe people” as he put it. People who won’t judge me about the shit I feel, the shit I’ve done. I don’t really have that other than here on ye olde internet, what with the semi-anonymity of it all. I could still attract judgment and trolls, but hey, I’m a big boy now, I think I can manage the judgment and the trolling. I’ve been there before with other things on other platforms. What’s a bunch of keyboard warriors to me anyways?

I’ve always felt that since women basically don’t like sex, or that they do it out of a sense of duty, or to get the guy off their back, that it’s wrong for me to want it, that I’m bad for wanting it. So in order to avoid the shame of it and the rejection of it, I’ve tried, pretty successfully, to inhibit myself as a sexual being and to not be sexual. Flirting has been interesting to say the least. How fucking boring is it to not want to bring up sex, even in innuendo? Takes the fun out of it for sure. Makes it fucking boring and sterile. How many encounters have I missed? How much fun have I lost because of this stupid shit? I can’t even imagine. I don’t want to imagine.

And then there is me wanting to be the “Good Lover.” That’s when I focus solely on their satisfaction to the detriment of mine. All you Men out there. If you are reading this, please for the love of god, listen very carefully to what I’m about to say next. Please.

Focusing solely on her satisfaction to the detriment of yours will lead to some fucked up shit. Like not being able to come. I’ve encountered this ALOT. I want to come, and I can pound away for what feels like forever, and it won’t happen. I’m not advocating that you totally ignore her wants and her satisfaction, but for fuck’s sake, you need to think and focus on yours too. Your needs and wants are just as valid as hers. Oh, and not only can you have the effect of not being able to come, focusing on being the “Good Lover” will set up a recipe of a boring ass sex life too.

I’m quoting Glover here:

“Sex that focuses on trying to please the other guarantees a routine, do-what-worked-last-time kind of experience.”

It’s like he was in my bedroom taking notes.

Approval. Seeking approval is part of it too. The more I’ve been dependent on seeking a woman’s approval, the more I would hide my sexual behavior. Can’t have her disapproving of me, god forbid I offend her because I want to fuck her.

This fear and shame has another interesting effect too. Since I’ve pretty much believed that woman don’t like and don’t want sex, why the hell would they be attracted to me? What could I possibly offer them? That one was and is, a nut-buster. I’ve felt that way for years. It was never really on the conscious level, but always running in the background, like a subroutine.

Quoting Glover again:

“…trying to be nice robs a man of his life energy. The more a Nice Guy seeks approval and tries to “do it right,” the tighter he clamps a lid down on any kind of energy that might actually draw a person to him.”

Ouch. Ding ding! Been there, done that. Still do it.

Taking the Red Pill has been an interesting and challenging journey to say the least. I have no regrets, I’m glad I’ve done it. I know I can’t go back to the blue pill lie, nor do I want to. But goddamn, this one, this part of the journey has been a real motherfucker. I am definitely not a victim here. I will not, and cannot play that card. Fuck that. It’s my shit and I get to deal with it and overcome it. But fuck….

Why am I even writing all of this? This is my “coming out of the closet,” I guess. It’s me putting my shame and fear out on the table for the whole world to read if they so choose to. I can’t get past it unless I shed the light of day on it. I’ve put this off long enough. For far too long actually. And there’s more, but I don’t have the time or the stomach to put it out there right now, so that’ll be another time. Another post. Yay me.

Glover has some wonderful tools and ideas in his book, “No More Mr. Nice Guy!” and if you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend it. I’ve read a lot of literature out there when it comes to being a Man and relating to women and whatnot, and this is definitely a good one.

Pick up a copy today. You won’t regret it.

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