I wish I could take credit for this one, but alas, I cannot.

Rian Stone wrote in his book, Fuccfiles, “She doesn’t want you. She wants to know she could.”

Man, that hits me right in the “feels.”

It hits me there because it is true.

I have done a lot of dating since I first got “serious” about dating back when I was at the tender age of 18. And by “serious,” I mean that I had finally had my first sexual experience and caught a “case of the feels.”

I remember back to 1991, I was in college and I had been dating a girl, my first “true love,” and my first sexual experience. We had been together about 8 months or so, and because I wanted to see other women, I ended it with her. This was around June or so of 1991.

Fast forward a couple of months, and my now ex, was still “hanging around.” She was still coming over when I would have get-togethers and whatnot, and she would still come up and talk to me. I was too young, too blind, too inexperienced, and too stupid to see it at the time, but she still wanted to be with me.

One of her girl friends called me up one day and asked me if I still cared about my ex-girlfriend or not, to which I replied that I did. She (the friend) then told me to call up my ex and go from there, because the ex was losing hope and would surely disappear, sooner rather than later.

So I called up the ex, and long story short, we got back together. Only to have it end about another 6 months or so later. This time it was my ex who ended it.

Let’s jump forward to 1994, shall we?

In 1994, I had just graduated from college and I was working as a custodian at a local high school. I was doing my thing, doing the work one day, when I ran across the path of one of the most beautiful Indian women I have ever met. And when I say Indian, I mean “dot,” not “feather.”

I was giving her “the eye” as she was walking down the hall. She reciprocated. Another long story short, she was interested in me as well. I initially thought she was a student at the high school that I worked at, but to my great surprise and pleasure, I found out she was only a couple of years younger than me at the time. She was there, waiting on her Dad, who happened to be the band teacher for the school.

We started dating. The sex was phenomenal. But the conversations and everything was… Well, it could have been much better.

A few weeks into dating this woman, I realized that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t date her anymore, amazing sex or not. I called her up one day and ended it. I told her she was a great woman and that she would make a great catch for some future dude, but that future dude wasn’t me. I told her that the sex was amazing, and that I wanted to remain friends, but if she didn’t want that, I understood.

She was angry and hurt, of course. And I ended the call with, “I understand how you feel. If you change your mind about being friends, you have my number,” and I ended the call.

I figured that I would never hear from her again, and I was okay with that. About two weeks later though, she called back.

She took some time and “cooled off.” She had a chance to reconsider and rethink things. She wanted to be friends. So we were. Friends with benefits. We did that on and off for about 5 years.

In 2021, I ended things with Teriyaki. Things had taken a turn for the less than desirable, at least for me. I remember going up to her and asking her, point-blank: “Do you want to keep seeing me or not?” I was fine with whatever answer she gave me. It was either a “yes,” or anything else was a “no.”

She gave me a “Eh…” And a shrug.

That was a “no.”

So I ended it with her.

No hard feelings, no anger, no animosity. I just ended it.

I kissed her goodbye and told her, “If you change your mind, you have my number.” And I left.

About two months later, she reached out to me.

She apologized for her behavior while we had been together. She said that she had been an “asshole.” I listened and let her carry on. I told her again, that there was no hard feelings. She wanted to get together for her birthday, but I soon found out it wasn’t me that she wanted to see, she just didn’t want to be alone on her birthday. Anyone would have done.

She sent me a final text in July of 2021 and that was the last that I heard from her.

I met a woman from Venezuela earlier this year. She was 43, no kids, and a “strong, independent woman.” She wanted to get married (again) at some point, and start a family. I didn’t have the heart to tell her, “Yeah, you’re 43 and you have never had a child? That’s probably not going to happen.” We dated for a few months and then she decided to end it around March of this year.

She texted me a novel about why she was ending it and I ended up telling her, “I understand.” She wanted to remain “friends.” I understood that too.

A couple of months later, she reaches out to me on Facebook Messenger. She wanted to know how I was doing, how I was. I was polite, civil, and courteous. Why wouldn’t I be? I also knew that she didn’t want me. Not really. She just wanted to know that she could have me.

Here’s something I have learned over the years:

The only time women have been quasi-serious about “getting me back,” or “staying in my life,” was when I ended it.

Any time they ended it, whether they stayed in contact or not, they were not serious about “getting me back.” They just wanted to know that they could.

Even when I ended it, other than the two examples that I gave above, they didn’t want me back, they just wanted to know that they could.

Think about it for a moment:

If you end the relationship, do you really want to stay in touch? Do you want to keep them in your life? Other than if you have some type of custody over children, why would you?

I know that every time I ended it, I had no desire to stay in touch, even when things ended on a good note. I was ready and wanted to move on. Do you think it’s any different for her?

When the women from my past ended things between us, do you think that they “realized that they had made a mistake?” They didn’t. They ended things for whatever reasons that they had. Did some of them try to “stay in touch?” Sure. But did they “want” me? No. They just wanted to know that they could have me.

When my ex-girlfriend ended things between us at the end of 2018, we stayed in touch for several months afterwards. She didn’t want me. If she had, she wouldn’t have ended things. She stayed in touch until approximately October of 2020.

I was civil, polite, and courteous every time. But I knew that she didn’t want me, she just wanted to know that she could have me.

I’m still waiting for “Velvet” to reach out to me. She ended things on Labor Day of this year. It’s been a month now, as of this writing. Does she want to be with me? Or does she want to know that she could still have me?

Either way, it doesn’t matter. I’m polite, courteous, and civil. Things between her and I ended about as good as they could. But am I going to pursue her? Am I going to do any of the “heavy lifting?” No.

She had that chance. Now it’s on her and on any of the women from my past to do the “heavy lifting.”

They want to talk? Fine. I’m polite, courteous, and civil. They want to get together? I’m willing to see them all. But they get to do the work. They get to set up the dates and the meet ups. They get to do the “heavy lifting.”

Here’s my final thought:

The only time I have had women circling around and coming back, was when I was the one who ended things. Any time they ended it, it amounted to absolutely nothing. Even when I ended things, it ultimately added up to nothing.

She doesn’t want you, she wants to know she could have you.

Act accordingly.

We’re having another round of elimination apparently.

I said it back in 2019, and it still stands today:

The underlying problem, the elephant in the room, remains.

It’s still someone else’s platform.

YouTube, Bitchute, Anchor, Patreon, Soundcloud, even my e-mail list, whatever. It’s still someone else’s platform. They all can pull the trigger for any reason at any time. Maybe it’s advertisers putting pressure, maybe it’s funding. Maybe it’s the guys running it got tired of doing it. It doesn’t matter.

This came from my post “In Perpetuity.”

The fun thing is, Chest came back with this:

And he’s not wrong. The Red Pill will always show up somewhere. Somebody will host it, copy it, reference it, whatever it takes. There’s always a “keeper of records” out there. There’s always a bibliographer, writing books about books. There’s always a librarian keeping track of who wrote what, when, and where. I believe we also call them historians.

The problem is, there are too many record keepers and not enough actual “doer’s.” It’s far too easy today to copy some links for posts, books, videos, and audios. It’s easy to keep a record of them. God knows I have done it in my time, too. But then that’s about as far as it goes. Guys hanging around in the “redpill scene” for years. And they haven’t learned a goddamn thing. But they can quote Rollo book, chapter, and verse. That’s great bud, how many women have you fucked lately? How many women have you approached and talked to lately?

*Crickets*

That’s what I thought.

Dante, BullRush, and I were having an audio conference on Dante’s discord. We were talking, well Dante was specifically talking about “nuking” the server in its entirety. He’s got shit to do and I know I don’t want the reins. Sorry, not sorry if I’m “outing” you, Dante. Too many guys jerking off and not doing anything. I don’t know if or when he’ll “pull the plug” or not, but it’s definitely a possibility. How does it affect me personally? Not one iota. The server stays, the server goes, I don’t care. I got what I needed from the Red Pill many years ago. Now I hang around for the lulz and to shoot the shit with friends.

I suggested instead of nuking the whole server, why not just nuke the text channels? Too many “keeper of records” saving information that they will never use in the real world. But boy, they will copy and paste that shit into a notepad or some kind of Word document that they will file away “for future reading.” Same with YouTube videos. They’ll put them in the “Watch Later” category and that is where it will stay until they delete it one day, or it’ll disappear because the channel owner deleted it or made it private. How do I know? Because I have done it.

I can remember “back in the day.” Back in the day, there was no internet. There was no forums, no discord, no Twitter. No easy way to get information on seduction. There was definitely nothing on what we now call “the Red Pill.” And yet, I managed to get laid. Even if it was “right guy, right place, at the right time.” But it meant I had to clean myself up, get dressed, leave the house, go outside, and in my particular case, go to the bar. But it happened. And I didn’t have Mystery helping me out. I didn’t have the internet and YouTube. I wasn’t able to be a “keeper of records.”

But then the mid 90’s came along and I was able to find things in backs of magazines that then turned into catalogs sent to me by mail, which turned into targeted advertising that was also sent to me by mail. Cassette tapes, books, and eventually DVD’s started showing up for me. Of course I was paying for the majority of them, and most of them, just like today, sucked ass. I had become a consumer of seduction material. I had become a “keeper of records.” And that’s how I spent much of my 20’s into my early 30’s. Lots of material, little putting it to use. I could have been the proto “all of my experience is in the abstract guy.”

Which is what got me to thinking about what I’m writing right now.

Guys, are you going to be “keepers of records,” quoting Rich, Rollo, Rian, Roosh, Roissy, and whoever else comes along? Or are you actually going to do something with the information that you have so much easy access to? Which way, internet man?

If Dante takes my advice, the server will be losing most, if not almost all of its text channels. If you fuckers want to learn something, you’ll have to jump on and actually be a part of a verbal conversation. I’m sure some of you will record it “for future use,” which is where you will miss the point entirely, but maybe some of you will remember the “nuggets.” The bits and pieces that gives you that “Aha!” moment. Don’t worry, I won’t be offended if you can’t remember that I said it. I don’t expect you to be able to quote me, that’s not why I’m here.

You guys want to go and be the “keeper of records?” That’s fine by me. You’ll also probably be the guy, sitting in his room, jerking off to Pornhub or whatever the next latest and greatest will be. Or you’ll be that guy, the one sitting on whatever replaces Facebook and Twitter, talking about how you’ve been in the “redpill scene” since the time of Rollo. How you were there when the Rational Male first came out. You’ll reminisce about the days of when Tate got crucified on the internet and about how F&F was a thing, those silly bastards. You’ll laugh about the guys who have sex dolls, while hoping that no one finds out that you too, have a sex doll. But goddammit, you got those links, those videos. You are keeping those records, man.

I’m going to leave you with this, which also happens to be one of mine:

If you guys out there, aren’t getting what you need from me, or my interpretation of the message, then somehow I have failed you. More importantly, YOU have failed you. I can’t sit here and spoon feed this stuff to you for the rest of your lives. At some point, you’re going to have to jump off into the deep end and swim. You’re going to have to join the club. You’re going to have to commit to it too. You will be initiated. Whether you want to be or not. Whether you are ready or not. Your own futures depend on it.

I’ve come to really, truly, realize that this blog has not only been about me and my “Red Pill Journey,” which is what it started out to be, but it’s about me exploring and ultimately owning, my Shadow. Hell, it took me until very recently that that was what I was doing.

With posts like Villain, Hedonist, and Desire, how could I not really see it? I did, but maybe I didn’t. Maybe I’m just fucking with you at this moment. Maybe not. That’s for you to figure out.

The Shadow. A term that Carl Jung came up with back in the day if memory serves me correctly. My college professors would be shaking their heads in shame for the fact that I spent the money and now I’ll be damned if I can’t remember all the hoopla over Jung and the Shadow.

The Shadow, if I recall correctly, is that “part” of you that you find undesirable. It’s the “part” that you ignore or hold some sort of guilt and shame over. It’s the “part” that you don’t want to acknowledge. I get it. There’s a lot of things about me that when I was younger, I was told was undesirable about me. Let me give you a brief list of the things that I would consider my Shadow.

I’m self-centered.

I’m talkative and can be abrasive.

I put my needs before other people’s needs.

I can be insensitive.

I’m impatient.

I’m intolerant.

I’m one horny motherfucker.

I like sex.

I can be the laziest motherfucker you’ve ever met, and I’m okay with that.

I get off on other people’s suffering.

That’s good enough for now. That’s a good “starter list.”

These are all “traits” or behaviors that most of polite society would consider to be undesirable. I know I’ve met plenty of women that have frowned on some of these traits or characteristics.

Here’s a screenshot of one of the latest encounters I’ve had recently:

I mentioned on the most recent Let ‘Em Burn (at least at the time of this writing) that I met a woman and I stirred up her outrage and indignation with a comment: “I DNGAF about the children. Yours, or anyone else’s.” I smirked and she nearly shit. The fire in her eyes was incredible. What did she do? She kissed me. And then the next day she sent me that text that I screenshot for you.

When she and I met, she asked me the standard fare of questions, including, “What are you looking for?” To which I told her straight up, in plain english, “I’m a Lover. I’m not looking for buddies to hang out with. I’m not looking for friends. Sex has to be on the menu for me.”

Call this “Mode One.” Call it “taking out the mystery.” Call it what you will. I don’t care.

I embraced my Shadow after I got everything everyone told me was the “Keys to Success.” I had the house, the job, the wife, the college degree, the toys, the respect of my peers, the approval of my family, and enough money to live a comfortable lifestyle. I had it all.

And at the end I was so miserable that eating a shotgun shell was more appealing than living.

So I embraced my Shadow. I embraced all of those things that I was told that I shouldn’t embrace. I embraced my sexual desires. I embraced my enjoyment of booze. I embraced being loud, obnoxious, talkative. I embraced being heard as well as seen. I embraced being forward, blunt, and to the point. Why not? The alternative was suicide or an endless misery of existence. It definitely wasn’t living.

“M” in the first screenshot of this post mentioned that “some people do whatever they can to avoid exploring their shadow, while the rest lean into it.” (italics are mine)

I definitely lean into it, and why not? I already “did the time,” I might as well “commit the crime.”

Guys, it’s my life. And I’m closer to dying every minute of every day. To quote Aaron Clarey, “I have less time ahead of me than behind me.” So fuck it. I’m going to do me. There’s nothing to be afraid of. All of the nonsense is just that, it’s nonsense. It’s all in your head.

When you really “lean into” not giving a fuck, everything changes. Do I always “get the girl?” No. Perhaps I “came on too strong” for the woman in that earlier screenshot. Perhaps my straight-forward demeanor was too much for her. Maybe she had “buyer’s remorse.” Maybe it had nothing at all to do with me whatsoever. I don’t care. Ultimately it doesn’t matter. There’s always another woman.

So how do you “integrate your Shadow?” Your Shadow isn’t a separate thing. It’s you. Like I said in the first screenshot: “Spirit” and “Body” aren’t separate. They are One.”

Your Shadow isn’t this “thing” outside of you, it’s you. Sure, it’s the things that you either don’t like about yourself, or it’s the things that “society, culture, family, etc” has told you NOT to like about yourself, but it’s all you. So accept it and own it. Stop caring about it and just own it. Be the Villain. You’re going to be the Villain in somebody’s story, might as well be good with that.

You can go on ignoring those things that you don’t like about yourself, or those things that you’ve been told NOT to like about yourself. You can do that until you end up looking down the barrel of a shotgun, or you can accept those things and be okay with those things. You can own it. It’s what I did.

You know what?

My life got geometrically better when I just owned that stuff. So own yours. Own and “integrate” your Shadow. There’s worse scenarios for you if you don’t.