I wish I could take credit for this one, but alas, I cannot.
Rian Stone wrote in his book, Fuccfiles, “She doesn’t want you. She wants to know she could.”
Man, that hits me right in the “feels.”
It hits me there because it is true.
I have done a lot of dating since I first got “serious” about dating back when I was at the tender age of 18. And by “serious,” I mean that I had finally had my first sexual experience and caught a “case of the feels.”
I remember back to 1991, I was in college and I had been dating a girl, my first “true love,” and my first sexual experience. We had been together about 8 months or so, and because I wanted to see other women, I ended it with her. This was around June or so of 1991.
Fast forward a couple of months, and my now ex, was still “hanging around.” She was still coming over when I would have get-togethers and whatnot, and she would still come up and talk to me. I was too young, too blind, too inexperienced, and too stupid to see it at the time, but she still wanted to be with me.
One of her girl friends called me up one day and asked me if I still cared about my ex-girlfriend or not, to which I replied that I did. She (the friend) then told me to call up my ex and go from there, because the ex was losing hope and would surely disappear, sooner rather than later.
So I called up the ex, and long story short, we got back together. Only to have it end about another 6 months or so later. This time it was my ex who ended it.
Let’s jump forward to 1994, shall we?
In 1994, I had just graduated from college and I was working as a custodian at a local high school. I was doing my thing, doing the work one day, when I ran across the path of one of the most beautiful Indian women I have ever met. And when I say Indian, I mean “dot,” not “feather.”
I was giving her “the eye” as she was walking down the hall. She reciprocated. Another long story short, she was interested in me as well. I initially thought she was a student at the high school that I worked at, but to my great surprise and pleasure, I found out she was only a couple of years younger than me at the time. She was there, waiting on her Dad, who happened to be the band teacher for the school.
We started dating. The sex was phenomenal. But the conversations and everything was… Well, it could have been much better.
A few weeks into dating this woman, I realized that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t date her anymore, amazing sex or not. I called her up one day and ended it. I told her she was a great woman and that she would make a great catch for some future dude, but that future dude wasn’t me. I told her that the sex was amazing, and that I wanted to remain friends, but if she didn’t want that, I understood.
She was angry and hurt, of course. And I ended the call with, “I understand how you feel. If you change your mind about being friends, you have my number,” and I ended the call.
I figured that I would never hear from her again, and I was okay with that. About two weeks later though, she called back.
She took some time and “cooled off.” She had a chance to reconsider and rethink things. She wanted to be friends. So we were. Friends with benefits. We did that on and off for about 5 years.
In 2021, I ended things with Teriyaki. Things had taken a turn for the less than desirable, at least for me. I remember going up to her and asking her, point-blank: “Do you want to keep seeing me or not?” I was fine with whatever answer she gave me. It was either a “yes,” or anything else was a “no.”
She gave me a “Eh…” And a shrug.
That was a “no.”
So I ended it with her.
No hard feelings, no anger, no animosity. I just ended it.
I kissed her goodbye and told her, “If you change your mind, you have my number.” And I left.
About two months later, she reached out to me.
She apologized for her behavior while we had been together. She said that she had been an “asshole.” I listened and let her carry on. I told her again, that there was no hard feelings. She wanted to get together for her birthday, but I soon found out it wasn’t me that she wanted to see, she just didn’t want to be alone on her birthday. Anyone would have done.
She sent me a final text in July of 2021 and that was the last that I heard from her.
I met a woman from Venezuela earlier this year. She was 43, no kids, and a “strong, independent woman.” She wanted to get married (again) at some point, and start a family. I didn’t have the heart to tell her, “Yeah, you’re 43 and you have never had a child? That’s probably not going to happen.” We dated for a few months and then she decided to end it around March of this year.
She texted me a novel about why she was ending it and I ended up telling her, “I understand.” She wanted to remain “friends.” I understood that too.
A couple of months later, she reaches out to me on Facebook Messenger. She wanted to know how I was doing, how I was. I was polite, civil, and courteous. Why wouldn’t I be? I also knew that she didn’t want me. Not really. She just wanted to know that she could have me.
Here’s something I have learned over the years:
The only time women have been quasi-serious about “getting me back,” or “staying in my life,” was when I ended it.
Any time they ended it, whether they stayed in contact or not, they were not serious about “getting me back.” They just wanted to know that they could.
Even when I ended it, other than the two examples that I gave above, they didn’t want me back, they just wanted to know that they could.
Think about it for a moment:
If you end the relationship, do you really want to stay in touch? Do you want to keep them in your life? Other than if you have some type of custody over children, why would you?
I know that every time I ended it, I had no desire to stay in touch, even when things ended on a good note. I was ready and wanted to move on. Do you think it’s any different for her?
When the women from my past ended things between us, do you think that they “realized that they had made a mistake?” They didn’t. They ended things for whatever reasons that they had. Did some of them try to “stay in touch?” Sure. But did they “want” me? No. They just wanted to know that they could have me.
When my ex-girlfriend ended things between us at the end of 2018, we stayed in touch for several months afterwards. She didn’t want me. If she had, she wouldn’t have ended things. She stayed in touch until approximately October of 2020.
I was civil, polite, and courteous every time. But I knew that she didn’t want me, she just wanted to know that she could have me.
I’m still waiting for “Velvet” to reach out to me. She ended things on Labor Day of this year. It’s been a month now, as of this writing. Does she want to be with me? Or does she want to know that she could still have me?
Either way, it doesn’t matter. I’m polite, courteous, and civil. Things between her and I ended about as good as they could. But am I going to pursue her? Am I going to do any of the “heavy lifting?” No.
She had that chance. Now it’s on her and on any of the women from my past to do the “heavy lifting.”
They want to talk? Fine. I’m polite, courteous, and civil. They want to get together? I’m willing to see them all. But they get to do the work. They get to set up the dates and the meet ups. They get to do the “heavy lifting.”
Here’s my final thought:
The only time I have had women circling around and coming back, was when I was the one who ended things. Any time they ended it, it amounted to absolutely nothing. Even when I ended things, it ultimately added up to nothing.
She doesn’t want you, she wants to know she could have you.