Newsflash: Men and women aren’t the same. We don’t value platonic relationships the same.

Ah, the old, “Can Men and Women Be Friends” quest is back on the map again. Apparently a whole new generation of people have been watching “When Harry Met Sally.”

Spoiler Alert: They can’t.

Well, not in the way that women want.

First, we need to come to a consensus of what “friends” actually means. I think women define “friends” differently than men do. I know my definition of a friend is someone that I can call on, day or night. They will help me solve problems (like burying a body or fixing a computer issue) and they will usually do stuff with me.

From my experience with women, they (the women) don’t usually want you (the man) to solve their problems. They want you to listen. They want to vent, they want to be heard. They may also want you to do something, like help them move, or kill a spider or something. And when I say they want you to listen, I’m not kidding.

My ex-wife didn’t “have an unspoken thought in her head.” That quote is directly from her. She wasn’t kidding. The woman could talk and talk and talk and talk and then talk some more. The only time she would shut up was when she was sleeping, which was rarely because she had a major case of insomnia; when I was sleeping, which I “played possum” all the time in order to get a few moments of peace, or when one of her favorite TV shows was on. Then she would shut up. Any other time, oh boy. At least at the time, I was fucking her. Until I wasn’t.

I met a woman back in late June and we went out for drinks one night for our first meet up. She verbally vomited all over me. The only way I could get her to shut up was to kiss her. Which worked as long as I was kissing her, but the moment I would pull back, she would start talking again.

We went out one more time where she finally got around to asking me what I was looking for. I told her what I tell all women I meet: “I’m a Lover. I’m not looking for friends.”

Long story short with her: She texted me the next day wishing me well, but she wasn’t into me, at least not sexually, and since I was clear that I wasn’t looking for friends, she wished me the best.

She did me a favor.

I said quite some time ago that I like women, and I do.

But I also like and value my time. I can and I have spent many countless hours and days in the distant past being “that guy” who listened. Who let women verbally vomit on me. Who let them cry on my shoulder. Lesson learned. I won’t ever do that again. While I like women, I don’t consider them my friends, with the exception of one.

I do have one woman that I consider a friend. I met her back in high school, so I have known her, at the time of this writing, for over 32 years. “Back in the day,” she was hot. “Back in the day,” we had a moment in time between us, where yes, I slept with her. So yes, she’s a friend, and she is also someone that I fucked a long time ago.

Would I sleep with her again today if given the chance? No. She’s far from the young, slim, good looking woman that she used to be. My desire for her sexually went away a long time ago. That and I find her mostly insufferable. Her bitching, ranting, and venting is too taxing to do for extended periods of time. So I only talk to her a couple of times a year. We’ll text each other, like on our birthdays, and we’ll get together and “catch up” over breakfast or something. But that’s about it. She’s a friend because I have known her most of my life, and she was one of the few people that showed up for me when my Mom died. I won’t forget that any time soon.

Sorry to break it to you babe, but the great majority of women aren’t “worth my time unless I get to be inside her.”

That female friend of mine that I just mentioned? Yeah, she used to say that same type of shit a long time ago. “Men are pigs. You only want one thing and it’s disgusting.” I won’t lie, it fucked with my head back then. Now? Nah. “I already did the time, I might as well commit the crime.”

The only time that I can think where men and women can be friends is where both parties are gay. That’s probably it. Any time one party is attracted to the other, but the other “isn’t feeling it,” you have “unrequited love.” And that’s a bitch.

I don’t think men and women can “just be friends,” until we have an agreed upon definition of what “friends” is. From my experience, women throw the word “friend” around like it is going out of style. Guys on the other hand, use the term “friend” with a little more discernment and reverence. If I call you a friend, you can reach out to me any time, day or night, and I’m there for you. I’ll help you solve your problems. I’ll do stuff with you. I’ll keep in regular contact with you to make sure you are doing okay. That’s what friends are for, that’s what they do. I have never heard a guy say, “That guy over there? I just barely met him, he’s my friend.”

My time is my most valuable commodity. I can never get it back. There are no “do-overs.” I can’t get more time. So I want to spend my time wisely. Would I choose to spend it with someone who wants to verbally vomit all over me, with nothing given in return? Or would I rather spend it with someone who wants me to “go up inside her?”

For the ladies who might be reading this, let me ask you a sincere question:

“What am I getting in exchange for my time? What are you willing to give to me or do for me? Are you willing to come to my house and fix me dinner or bring dinner with you, out of the kindness of your heart? Are you willing and able to help me solve some of my problems? Are you willing to keep your mouth shut and help me bury a body if that time and need should ever arise?”

You want me to listen to your woes and not offer advice or judge. You want to have a shoulder to cry on, I understand that. You want me to do the “heavy lifting” if and when it should arise. What are you willing to offer to me in exchange? Sorry if it sounds so “conditional,” but it is conditional. The only person in the world who may love and care for you unconditionally is your mother, if you are lucky. Other than that, you are going to have to provide some value. Something worth my time.

I have had some of the most amazing conversations, and done some amazing things with women over the years. But…

I slept with every one of them first.