Appetite For Destruction

Well, as you might have seen or heard I got banned from Twitter. It’s a permanent ban, so I get can’t back on it that easily.

Even though the Conservative route of saying Twitter is “silencing voices who don’t align with their ideology” would be an easy one to take and maybe give me some clout, it’s as far away from the truth as possible.

I knew damn well what I was doing and had been poking the bear for a couple of weeks now, because I got bored of the platform. Even though I had put in a lot of effort for the 5.7k followers, after I got them I got bored with it.

And as my friend Watson once stated about me:

“When everything is going well with you, you get bored. And when you get bored you start looking for something that can mess it up because you enjoy the chaos and anxiety it brings.”

I wouldn’t say I “enjoy” it, but he was right about me messing up a good thing.

I’ve gone on record before with Rob saying most of my LTR’s were ended by her after a couple of months of me getting bored and changing my behavior.

I knew it was unattractive, I knew it would drive her away and I knew damn well I would end up single.

But I did it anyway.

*Note: In some cases I did get hit out of nowhere with her cheating, but more often than not I got annoyed with having my freedom taken away and being bored with the “happy life”.

And I couldn’t tell you why.

Maybe it’s some deep internal believe system that I don’t deserve it. Maybe I want to fail just to prove I can’t do it anyway. Or maybe I have a self destructed personality.

I’ve had the tendency to grab to substances knowing it wouldn’t end well in my younger years. The legal drinking age in The Netherlands used to be 16 for soft liquor, but enough soft liquor will still hit hard and when I turned 18 and hard liquor became available, this didn’t suddenly stop being something I’d grab to. *

*I have never gone to AA not did I need to. I have had my own personal demons which were founded in a childhood trauma that has been dealt with. My behavior, though toxic, wasn’t near to the level of bad as alcoholism is and my heart goes out to everyone who has ever gone through it. I have not experienced this. 

I’ve also been honest about my previous nicotine addiction. I knew full well it was bad for me, but I did it anyway.

I guess I have an addictive personality as some would call it. 

Some people will brush these off and say: “It’s just occasional alcohol and nicotine. There are thousands of people who do hard drugs every day which is way worse!”

As a man who grew up in a house with an alcoholic I will tell you to go fuck yourself.

Substance abuse is substance abuse. Focussing on the word “abuse” here.

Especially nicotine has a form of nihilism to it.

People know it’s bad for, people know it’s expensive and people know it’s probably cause cancer.

Yet do they it anyway.

Yet I did it anyway.

Every cigarette is another step closer to your heart failing, lungs stopping and or other bodily malfunctions.

Yet, the taste of death never tasted so sweet.

“So what if it happens? At least I got to enjoy it!”

And there’s the hook.

Do they really enjoy it or did they stop caring all together?

Little habits can tell you a lot about someone now only views the world but also themselves.

Whether they want to feel alive, are just bored or completely apathetic and stopped feeling anything or want to feel everything. 

With all of that also comes a devil may care attitude behaving in ways that at least cause something.

Something that changes the daily grind of life.

A little excitement. 

Which is something I consciously or subconsciously have done for as long as I can remember.

“A will get me into trouble, so let’s push A as far as possible and see what we can get away with.”

I did this in middle school, high school, college and heck even today.

Consequences don’t feel real until they’re actually happening and the appetite for destruction needs to be satisfied.

Wether it be big or small, consequential or negligible something needs to make you feel.

As long as you feel something.

“I’m not going there to die. I’m going there to see if I’m really alive” -Spike Spiegel 

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