Just got back today to the city of sin.
They say the apple and the snake is how it all began…
And now I’m back, in Babylon…
Those are lyrics from the song, “Back in Babylon” from the band, Babylon A.D. Check them out sometime if and when you get a chance, you won’t regret it.
I was going to write this post over a year ago, but other projects, people, things, situations, and life itself got in the way. Lots and Lots of distractions and things to do.
Today is September 14th as I am writing this. This post will be published on Wednesday the 16th, that’s when you, Gentle Reader, will be seeing it for the first time. Thursday September 17th will mark the second year anniversary of my Mother’s death.
Two years already. Two years.
In some ways, it feels almost like she died yesterday. In some ways it feels like she died a long, long time ago. I can still see her face in my mind’s eye without having to look at pictures and I can still hear her voice if I so call on it.
If and when the day comes that I can no longer recall her voice, I have a couple of voice mails that she left me several months before she died. I can always listen to those if and when I want to. Right now, almost two years later, I’m still good not listening to them.
I haven’t been to her grave in almost two years either. I was there the day we put her in the ground, but I haven’t been back. Part of me thinks I’m avoiding it. But why? All that is there is a headstone and grass. Underneath that is her casket and inside is her body. Her “soul” isn’t there. Her “essence” isn’t there. If I want to “feel her presence” so to speak, all I need to do is go and visit my Dad. Bits and pieces of what she did in life are still in that house. There are some toiletries and whatnot that she purchased that are still there. Hell, some of her personal belongings are still there. None of that stuff is at her grave.
So I don’t go. And honestly, I don’t know if I ever will go except for when my Dad dies. His plot was purchased years and years ago, and it resides right next to hers. That may be the next time that I see her grave. And after that? Like the wind, I’ll be gone. Gone from Utah. Gone from the life that I have known and into a new life somewhere else. Somewhere warmer than here. I’m tired of the snow and I’m tired of the cold. A warmer climate where I can ride my motorcycle year round would be ideal. But not so hot that I’m cooking at night. Probably Texas.
I’m not running from my life and I know that wherever I go, there I am. You can’t run from yourself. Wherever you run to, you’ll still have to deal with you because there you are. I knew a few guys when I was much younger who ran from things in their home and their lives, and yet they could never run far enough or fast enough from themselves. Nowhere was good enough because there they were. Some of them kept running and are still running to this day as far as I know.
That’s not me. I’m not running from anything. I’m good with my life and my life choices. I’m good with staying here in Utah for the time being, I’m in no hurry to leave. At the same time, once my Dad dies, there’s nothing keeping me here. I’m not close to any of my extended family. I can always transfer my job from here to wherever I want to go for the most part, and if I can’t transfer, I can always find another job.
As far as women are concerned, if I have someone serious in my life at that time, she’ll either come along for the ride, or she won’t. If she does, great! If not, that’s too bad, but I’ll find another one, or several other ones, wherever I end up.
Let’s move along.
I mentioned that I’m taking up music again. I’m excited for this. I’m excited that I’ll be creating things that I haven’t created in a long time. I’m nervous at the same time. I don’t know how to explain it, but there it is. I’m nervous too. I’m sure it’s my inner perfectionist yapping about being perfect and being able to just “master this shit” right off the bat. That’s not how it works though. Just like writing or making videos, or standing in front of an audience, I don’t think you ever truly “master” it. You might become so good at it and so comfortable with it that other people will call you a “master,” but in your own head, it’s never quite there. You’re always striving to achieve more and to “do better” than the last article, the last video, or the last performance that you gave.
Since I’m taking up music again, something has got to give. I don’t have enough time in the day to do everything that I’m doing. So what is going to get the axe?
Not dating. I like women too much. Not motorcycle riding. I like that too much too, plus it’s therapeutic in ways that non-motorcycle people will never know. Not shooting guns. Got to keep my skills up for the upcoming apocalypse. Not doing my videos or liveststreams. Those are too much fun too. I still need to work and I need to eat and sleep. I’m barely getting enough sleep as it is, so I’m not giving up more of that. And I’m definitely not giving up writing. It’s another creative outlet for me to focus and channel some of my energy to. This blog isn’t done until I say it is done, and I’m not done here by a long shot. I’m going to keep it “non-fiction” as it were, and I’ll focus my fictional creativity over at Punchriot. You should go there and subscribe if you want to see my fiction as well as many other amazing writers. The only thing that I hope when it comes to my fiction is that I don’t disappoint my editor, Nick August, and that I don’t disappoint the people who read my work.
So I’m not going to give up all those things. What am I going to give up then?
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still keep my account active and up, but I’m going to limit my presence there. Twitter has become too much of a waste of time for me. A couple of interactions recently showed me this. I’ll still be there to use that platform to promote this blog, my YouTube channel, my audio channel, and I’ll still be there to interact with people in my DM’s, but other than that, I’m going to limit my time and interactions there severely. I want to have time to focus on my music and video creations. I don’t need to be spending my time on Twitter arguing with idiots.
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