I went out with a friend of mine on Sunday and he introduced me to another guy who is approximately 18 years younger than me. This younger guy is a cool cat, he’s got his shit dialed in as far as I can tell. Let’s put it this way: I like him so far and he’s likeable.
The three of us went out and a some food and a drink at a microbrewery that I had never been to before and for the most part it was a really good time. The television was on in the background and thank god the volume was muted. The closed captioning however, was there in all of its glory.
The whole BLM and racism thing was going full force and the creators of the advertisements and the programs were going at it hard. It left a foul taste in my mouth. If people aren’t racist already, they will be when this whole thing is “over.” Instead of eradicating racism, it’s being created. I wonder if that is actually the goal.
While we were sitting there, commenting to one another about the ads and the programs that were going full force on the television, I felt uneasy. I felt watched. I felt like a target. I almost wanted to say to my friends, “Not so loud, you don’t want the other’s in here to hear you.” Not that they would have done anything necessarily, but it’s the idea that they could. As edgy and even as hostile as some people have become recently, who knows what could have happened?
I hate wearing masks. I hate that this virus has people running scared and hiding in their homes. I hate the riots. I hate all of it. I especially hate the fact that I don’t feel like I can relate to people as well as I did before the pandemic. Even “getting out there” isn’t the same as before, and I hate that the most.
My Father thinks that masks are going to be the norm from now on. Same with social distancing. I really hate thinking that he is probably right. What good is the world when you hate what it has become and the direction that it is going? All I can say is, I’m pretty sure that I’ll hate it even more than I already do.
I hate feeling paranoid and social media doesn’t help. Twitter is becoming a cancer to me. If I get off of it completely though I won’t have the interactions with my friends that I have there and I won’t sacrifice that. It’s too good to give that up.
Alcohol only goes so far in numbing some of the bullshit and after several beers the low is worse than what I felt before drinking, so boozing it up to complete excess and self medicating isn’t the answer. Maybe MDMA is. Hahahaha! I’ve never done that one, but I’ve heard great things about it. Problem is, I don’t know anybody who has some. That and I don’t trust strangers. I don’t want to get ripped off or get more than I bargained and paid for. So that’s pretty much out of the question.
Sex is a great placebo for a minute, but then it’s back to reality. I now understand the line from a Korn song where they say, “All I want to do is fuck it away.”
Writing about it all helps though, as weird as that may seem. Putting it “out there,” onscreen makes it seem more manageable and more petty that what is brewing in my head. The trivialities of an existential crisis. Life is absurd and since there’s no inherent meaning to life, you get to choose what life means to you. Except sometimes in the deep, dark, quiet of the night, life is just absurd with no meaning and pleasant sounding words and the click of the keys on a keyboard don’t kill the dread.
Can you relate? I started off with that title and when I typed those words, it had a different meaning than the one that is coming to me as I’m typing these words. How’s that for a swift kick in the ass?
I started off thinking, “I’m having a helluva time relating to people with everything that is going on, are you able to relate to the people around you? Can you relate to others?” and now I’m at, “Do you get me? Do you understand? Are you going through something similar?” Can you fucking relate?
This is almost stream of consciousness for you kiddies. Number of beers drank while writing this? Zero. Sobriety at one hundred percent. Jesus, what would it look like if I was drunk? I have no idea, but it would probably make more sense and it would be more entertaining. Maybe even relatable.