My Concise Guide To Twitter

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If prison is a bunch of guys having sex, Twitter is a bunch of guys wishing they were having sex. – Rob Says

So you’re new to Twitter and you want to know more about it?

Okay, so according to Wikipedia, “Twitter is an American microblogging and social networking service on which users post and interact with messages known as “tweets”. Registered users can post, like, and retweet tweets, but unregistered users can only read them.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah. That’s not want you want to know and that’s not why you are here reading this.

So walk with me for a bit and let me tell you about Twitter…

From phony tough guys, to faux Chads banging only 9’s and 10’s, to outraged Karen’s screaming their indignation at Susan, Twitter has it all.

From E-Whores taking your money to TradCons wanting to “Save the West” and having Jesus save your soul, there’s something for everybody, just with the volume maxed out and there is no off-switch.

Degenerates, dweebs, dorks, dickheads, douchebags, sluts, players, pimps, pornstars, prudes, priests, and puritans are all rubbing shoulders, shouting over each other in order to be heard.

E-Comm kids selling courses for $999.97 so they can drive lambo’s and do kick-boxing, and don’t forget the limited edition PDF that’s only available on gumroad.

Everyone is an entrepreneur, an author, a hustler, and a self made billionaire. Except for me. I’m the only guy that works a 9 to 5. Me and these two guys:

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I’m the one in the middle.

We’ve got guys periscoping in cars, guys ‘scoping in bars, and guys smoking cigars – the message is always the same (Look at me!) I’ll admit it, I’m no different.

The meat and veggie crowd is having a food fight over whose diet is better, and son, you better fucking lift or you’re just pure soy.

We got women telling Men how to be Men, Men wanting to make women great again, and if you’re lucky, someone will tell you that you better get some sun on your asshole. There’s even a guy who specializes in enema’s. He just gave himself one and you can ask him anything.

We got life coaches giving life advice, being your cheerleader for twice the price, and single women as relationship experts telling you, how you too, can get your One. Nevermind that their lives are bigger trainwrecks than yours.

We got nerds who like their D&D, guys worried about their dick’s burning when they pee, some asshole named Gary V, and a whole lot of shit posting.

We got anonymous accounts telling the truth, guys who show their faces who are uncouth, and we’ve even got old men yelling at clouds, calling everyone a pervert or a degenerate. Yes, Twitter is really like that.

We got twenty year olds handing out life advice like it’s going out of style and as if they have lived long enough to be handing out life advice. (Sit down.)

We have Power Dad’s and Mommy Bloggers trying to outdo each other as to who is the best parent when it comes to their kids. A question for the Dad’s: “Do you want to be a ‘Good Dad’ or raise ‘good kids?’ It’s okay if you don’t know the difference, your kids will.” (h/t to Rian Stone for that question.) While I’m at it, hey Twitter Parents, do you think it’s a good idea posting pics of your babies on the internet for every weirdo and predator to see them? I’m just curious.

We got bullet-point list guys making bullet-point lists and if you follow each and every bullet point, well, you might be an idiot.

We got guys hawking platitudes like nobodies business and if you want to get your first 1000 followers, I highly recommend that you regurgitate the same shit that these dipshits are doing, because it does work. Who knows? Maybe you could be the next Tony Robbins.

We got guys making threads about anything and everything, and I can’t be bothered to read them because, well, life is short and I don’t have the fucking time. Besides, they are all about something that sounds profound, even though they aren’t really, and they all end with a link to a course or some E-book that is overpriced on gumroad.

We got guys taking pictures or videos of themselves eating meat in a restaurant, showing you, the common unwashed masses, just how good they are living, while you are relegated to eating ramen and processed foods. All in the name of staying relevant.

We got guys who barely tweet, women who take pictures of their feet, and if you are unfortunate, you’ll find the Island of Cortes. Stick around long enough, if you don’t find it, the Island of Cortes will find you.

We got feminists saying that they don’t need no man, thirsty beta’s doing what they can, and you can buy some girl’s bathwater, just click the link. She sold out quickly. What can I say? The thirst is real.

While we’re on the subject of women, there’s the progressive left, the status quo right, an ancap who does cosplay, and beware the Sunhat Gods. By the way, there are no women on the internet. Ever seen the movie Catfish? You haven’t? Better check that one out before coming on to Twitter.

We’ve got guys who lift, guys who don’t, guys who drink soy latte’s and those who won’t, and there’s a guy named Ed who only drinks his coffee black. (Nice guy by the way.)

Speaking of coffee, we got guy’s who take cold showers and guys that get up at ungodly hours because you’re a piece of shit if you wake up any later than 4:30 in the morning.

Oh that’s another thing about Twitter:

Fuck nuance.

Everything is binary, everything is extreme, everybody has all the right answers and fuck you if you tell them otherwise. The sperg levels and the autism is real. Just ask some random tweeters about single mom’s and see what happens.

Twitter is a shit show and everybody is flexing and lying about who and what they are, all in the hopes of getting laid, and if you aren’t getting death threats and nudes in your DM’s, you’re doing it wrong.

Gun nuts, truck nuts, peanuts, and if you don’t have nuts, you better sack up like you got a pair. Twitter ain’t for the timid or the weak, just ask any hard to kill guy, he’ll be more than happy to tell you.

While we’re at it, check out Inmate Twitter. It’s for those who are interested in what it takes to be a convict and how to capitalize on that status once you are back on the outside. It’s as real as it gets.

So welcome to Twitter. Wear a cup.

Sharpen Your Mind. Weaponize It. Start here and here. Sign up for my newsletter.

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