The Relationship That I Don’t Want

photo of couple hugging during dawn

I’m not sure if I wrote about this particular topic or not, so I went back and revisited some of my old posts, mostly around the time that my Mother died. I couldn’t find what I was looking for, so I’m going to go over it here. If you guys out there reading this have seen this before, my apologies for rehashing old news. (Oh, and if I did go over it, drop me a comment pointing me to where I talked about this, thanks in advance.)

Right after my Mother died, my Father and I had a real genuine, man-to-man talk about his and her relationship. He shed some light on it for me that was truly eye opening. I had imagined that they were together out of “true love.” Not that bullshit, blue-pill “The One Soul Mate” shit that’s part of well, everything, but that they genuinely really loved each other.

Turns out that wasn’t the case. My Mom divorced my Dad when I was around eight years old or so, and long story short, they got back together when I was eighteen and remarried each other when I was twenty or twenty one. They were by each other’s side until the day she died. That’s where I figured that they really loved one another. Don’t get me wrong, I know they loved each other, but as my Dad told me:

“There was no love lost between me and your Mother.”

“Why did you stay with her then?”

“Because it was cheaper to keep her.”

Those are exact quotes.

Because it was cheaper to keep her. My Dad was more concerned about his “stuff,” his possessions than truly living his life on his own terms. I don’t fault my Dad. He’s a baby boomer that has pretty much drank all of the Kool-Aid when it comes to life.

Those words keep ringing in my ears. It was cheaper to keep her.

My Dad now has another relationship with another woman, and she’s a good woman. They seem to get along pretty well and both seem content with one another. I’m happy for the both of them. And yet, what I’m seeing is my Dad recreating the same relationship that he had with my Mother. This woman is…Okay. I think my Dad has a scarcity mentality going on. Maybe it’s his age. Maybe it’s his generation, I don’t know.

All I do know is that I don’t want the relationship that he has and that he had. If that is what life is truly about, if that is what relationships are truly about, then I want nothing to do with them. I would rather be alone. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live like that.

The thing is, I know that’s not how life is and that relationships have to be that way, they don’t have to be that way because I’m living it, I’m living proof that there is “another way.” He’s even met two of my girls. He has witnessed “how I roll.” And over the last year, I’ve tried to gently explain all of this to my Dad. Consider it me dropping little red-pill nuggets on him from time to time when the discussion of his or my dating life comes up. He doesn’t want to hear it though, and that’s the hard part. I get to watch him burn.

Who am I to tell him what to do and how to live his life though? He’s happy enough with how his life is and with what he has, so I just smile and nod and go with the flow and let it go.

He thinks what I’m doing when it comes to “spinning plates” is absolutely crazy. He thinks I should date women my own age. He thinks a lot of outdated things when it comes to women and relationships. That’s okay though. He can think whatever he likes and I don’t mind when he offers me dating advice, even if it is quaint, out of date, and honestly, at least for me, just plain wrong. He can do him and I’ll do me.

Oh Dad, if only you could see what I see. If only you could see through my eyes. You might change your mind about damn near everything. But you can’t see through my eyes. You can’t read my mind. And the few times I’ve tried, you’ve turned a blind eye and a deaf ear on what I have said. That’s okay though Dad, I don’t fault you or blame you, you just get to burn is all. You do you, Dad, and I love you anyway.

Dad, you are so smart and so wise when it comes to many, many things. I thoroughly enjoy sitting with you, at the kitchen table, in the back yard, down in the basement, and at the car shows, listening to you dispense your wisdom about vehicles, home repair, even fixing meals. But I have to draw the line with you. I have to draw the line when it comes to women. Dad, I know I’m no “expert” when it comes to women, far from it. But I do know that I have more experience with women than you have or will ever have. Even if I swear off women today, right now, and never deal with them again, I know more about them than you ever will.

I know for a fact that I do not want the relationships that you have created for yourself when it comes to women. I won’t settle. I won’t. There’s too many of them out there. There’s just too damn many of them and not enough time. I may choose to see women of all age groups, including women in my own age group, but that will be because that is what I choose. Not because that is what I “should” do, or “ought” to do. I’ll follow my own path when it comes to women. It’s okay if you don’t understand why I’m doing what I’m doing, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart that you don’t press the issue, even if you think I’m absolutely crazy. Because I’m not, Dad. I’m not crazy. I know what I’m doing. Thank you for trusting me on how I choose to live my life, even if you don’t agree with me. It’s totally okay that we can agree to disagree.

I firmly believe that we create or find the relationships that we grow up watching. I know I did that for many years. What I saw that my parents had, well, that’s what relationships are about. That’s how they just are. But that’s not the case though. Not to sound like some “New Age” bullshit artist, but you really can create the relationships you want. You just have to have the balls to do it. You just have to literally take it.

You want kinky, horny women in your life? All women are like that. They really are. You just have to “expect” it. It’s just a normal part of life, a normal part of your life. If you think it’s possible and normal, then it is. If you think it’s all bullshit and not possible, you’ll be right on that one too. If you think women are goofy, fun spazzes, they are. If you think they are cold-hearted and “out to get you,” they are that too. They are and will become whatever you see and think about them. They “reflect” back you. I don’t know how to explain it other than that.

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