My Cats Send Their Regards

Let me tell you a story. It starts everyday when I get home from work. The long haired Maine Coon hybrid, his name is Nermal, is waiting for me, like a dog, at the top of the stairs. He’s so excited to see me. He’ll start crying and meowing as I’m locking up the door. He’ll cry and meow as I’m walking up the stairs. He’ll meow and reach up and put his front paws on my leg as I reach the landing. He wants me to pick him up, which is no little thing, considering he’s about 20 lbs of cat. So I’ll pick him up and carry him into the kitchen and I’ll rub his head as I’m doing it. He’ll push back against my hand and his motor will be running the whole time. His purrs are very loud.

Kubuki, my tuxedo cat, will come out from behind the stereo entertainment system, or out from under the kitchen table, or out from under the couch, where ever she has been hanging out, and she’ll cry and start rubbing up against my legs, begging to be petted.

This routine happens every day. From what the girlfriend tells me, Nermal will start meowing and crying when I leave the house. He’ll either go down the stairs and cry at the door, or he’ll sit on the landing and do it. Apparently he’ll do this for quite some time. My girlfriend has tried to shut him up, distract him, try to get him to come to her during my absence, all to no avail. I guess my cats are devoted to me.

Later in the evening, or during a lazy weekend at home, when ever my girlfriend or I try to sit on the couch with our laptops, the cats come along and want to be front and center. They will sit right on the laptop itself, right while you are typing whatever it is that you are typing. We can push them off and two minutes later, they are back. They will try to force themselves either on us, or in between us while we are relaxing in the living room.

The only “peace” we get from them is when we go to bed at night, and that’s only because the bedroom is a “cat free zone” because we shut the door at night. Even then, Nermal especially, will sit outside the door and do this guttural, weird, “meow howl.” He is going “feral” as I call it. I can open the door and tell him to shut up. That only encourages him. I can use a spray bottle filled with water and hose him down. I’ve done that many many times. All it has done is get him to move out of range. He’s a smart bastard.

What is the point of this story? I’ve realized that I have learned many lessons from my cats. The lesson I’m illustrating here is Persistence. My cats are nothing but persistent. They will have their way eventually. They are pretty patient about it too. Nothing deters them from getting what they want. They want to be on me? It WILL happen. Sooner or later, it will. What does this have to do with anything?

It is about EVERYTHING. Everything you do, you must be persistent. You want to get in better shape because you let yourself go? Persistence. You didn’t get fat overnight, you ain’t gonna lose it overnight either. You want to make more money? Again, persistence. You’re going to have to get up and get your ass out there. You’re going to have to hustle.

Want to start your own business? Persistence again. When you first come up with an idea, it’s awesome. You are full of piss and vinegar, ready to take on the world. You’ve done some research and found something that you would like to do, and so you do it. You build a website, you get your license to do whatever it is that you want to do. You get your tax I.D. You even find some product or service to sell, whatever that is and then…..

Nothing happens. No customers are banging down your door to buy whatever it is that you are offering. So you place some ads, you tweet your shit on twitter, you post on facebook a bunch of times, you take an ad out on Craigslist. And still nothing.

This is where persistence is key. You HAVE to keep going. Otherwise your business will fail before it had a chance, before it even got off the ground. This is the part you DON’T hear about on YouTube videos or on some course that you bought on the internet. This is where it becomes WORK.

Persistence is getting up at o’dark thirty everyday, rain or shine, and going to the gym. Persistence is when you don’t see any results at all, but you keep hammering at it anyway. Persistence is when you have faith that something, sooner or later, will happen. Persistence is when you go out chasing women and you get blown out. And you WILL get blown out. But maybe, just maybe, that next one will say yes to your invitation. You won’t know until you go after it. One thing I do know is if you quit, you WON’T be getting that woman that is right in front of you.

Persistence is getting your ass out of bed every day to go to work. Especially when you don’t want to. Persistence is writing another e-mail, another blog post, making another phone call, crafting another tweet, posting another picture on IG. All when you are the only one that is reading them or looking at them. All when everybody doesn’t read that post, doesn’t answer that call, or hangs up on you.

Persistence is pushing ever forward even when you sometimes want to give up and watch Netflix.

Think about your kids if you got them, or how you may have been as a kid. When you and your family went on a road trip, what did the kids do the most? “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” That was me as a child. I’d say it so much my Dad would get pissed off and say, “Don’t make turn this car around!” And then I would say it again for good measure. That’s persistence.

Look at these two lovelies:

How can I say no to that?

Persistence is work. You have to keep at it everyday. Even when it seems pointless and stupid. Even when you don’t want to. Especially when you don’t want to.

“But I’m tired!” Yeah? Me too. Cry me a river. I’ll get plenty of sleep when I’m dead.

As a final note, my cat’s both sleep with one eye open. There’s a lesson there too, but that’s for another day. 😉

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20 Thoughts on Life

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1. Rule #1.STFU. Not everybody wants to hear what you are saying. Say less than needed. Don’t volunteer more than asked for.
2. There’s always someone bigger, better, and badder than you. You keep acting the fool, and one day someone WILL show up and kick your ass.
3. If you’re a man, you have to prove yourself. Showing up and expecting something for nothing isn’t going to happen. You have to earn your keep. Which leads to:
4. Stop being a bitch. You know what’s worse than listening to a woman cry and whine? A man crying and whining.
5. If you work for somebody else, you can either be a prick or a fuck up, but you can’t be both. If you are a fuck up, but you get along well with others, you can usually get a pass. If you are a prick, you better be bringing your A game. All the time, every time. Your shit had better be tight. Spotless and flawless. Perfect basically.
6. Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy? Usually the two don’t go hand in hand. Take your pick and then deal with it.
7. A husband that takes his wife’s last name isn’t a man. He’s soy.
8. Stop pedastalizing your women. They are just chicks. They do stupid shit too. Which brings me to the next point:
9. Stop walking around on eggshells around your women. Stop being afraid of pissing them off. What? Afraid you aren’t going to get that good, golden pussy? There’s other women, and pussy is pussy. It all feels the same physically when you are up inside them.
10. Being good at being a man isn’t the same thing as being a good man. One is amoral, the other is moral. When the shit hits the fan, it’s better to be good at being a man than being a good man. Morality is a luxury for the most part. When the perimeter is secure, then the moralizing can begin. (Jack Donovan)
11. Don’t wish it was easier, wish you were better. (Rollo Tomassi)
12. Give credit where credit is due.
13. Reality just IS. It doesn’t give a shit about what you think it “ought” to be.
14. Most people would rather hear pretty lies than the truth. Which brings me to the next point:
15. Everybody lies. Everyone. No exceptions. You may not lie to others, but somewhere at sometime, past, present, or the future, you either have or will lie to yourself. Don’t do that.
16. Happiness isn’t an end goal to be pursued. It’s a byproduct of you doing things. Stop chasing happiness as if it was a static state, it isn’t. It comes and goes.
17. Thoughts are just thoughts. Feelings are just feelings. Are you in control of them, or do they control you? Either way, the external world (i.e Reality) goes on just the same as before. See 13.
18. Stop giving a fuck so much. You only have so many fucks to give in this life, make them count, otherwise you’ll drive yourself, and everyone around you batshit crazy.
19. Men and women aren’t equal, they are complimentary to each other.
20. Don’t argue with idiots. You’ll only be wasting your breath and your time. You can’t fix crazy, and you can’t fix stupid.

For 20 more thoughts on life, go here.

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A Tale of No One

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My “Soul Mate” when I was 18.

I had a “Soul Mate” when I was 18. That’s her in the picture. She was my first love, she was my first sexual experience, she was my first in a lot of things. We dated for almost two years. I look back on that now and that time period is really very short, but back then, it felt like an eternity. Everything was good, until it wasn’t. When our relationship ended, I took it very well initially. I was in college at the time and there was plenty of new women to date and hopefully get laid by. As time and dating went on, I kept comparing the new women to her and it always ended badly for them. Little did I know what I was creating.

Fast forward about 6 months after the relationship ended and I thought I was hitting rock bottom. It didn’t help that I had a summer job that I hated and that the guys that I worked with would play country music constantly. A sad song of loss would come on the radio, and there I was, identifying with it. It got so bad that I actually called her one day and asked her if there was a chance that we could work things out. I remember very vividly to this very day what she said to me. “I’m sorry Rob, but that door is closed.” I literally heard it slam shut in my head.

A few months later the bottom in my life at the time truly fell out from under me. It was around Christmas, and I was home on winter break from college and my mother and I went to see a movie. I don’t remember the title right now, I do know it was a comedy that had Eddie Murphy in it. I think it was Coming to America, but I’m not sure. What I do remember is that something funny happened in the film and the whole audience was laughing, including me. My laughter kept going and going until I started to cry. My mother looked over at me and asked me what was wrong, and I told her, with tears running down my face, “I think I want to kill myself.”

Six months after the break up, the slide into depression began. It was stealthy and quiet at first. My comparing new women to my old flame didn’t help in the slightest. I know now that I created a fallacy about her and me. In my eyes, she was better and more beautiful than she really was. Our relationship was better than it had actually been. The sex was more amazing than anyone new. You get the idea.

I ended up getting help with my suicidal tendencies and my depression and got through it, obviously. The whole soul mate idea still lingered though. I really and genuinely thought that I would never meet another woman quite like the one I had had. To a degree that was and is true. No one is quite like her. But that doesn’t mean that there wasn’t others to come. I thought that I had lost my “soul mate” until another woman came along about two years after this first love of mine. She was pretty terrific in her own way, and guess what? The relationship worked until it didn’t, the sex was pretty amazing, and we experienced the usual things that couples experience. I learned then that there are a lot of women out there that will fit into my life just fine.

The point I’m getting to is this: There is no One.

Rollo Tomassi of the Rational Male describes it best, so I’m quoting him here:

ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you.

There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are LOTS of ‘special someones’ out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who’s remarried after their “soulmate” has died or moved on.

This is what trips people up about the soul-mate myth, it is this fantasy that we all at least in some way share an idealization of – that there is ONE perfect mate for each of us, and as soon as the planets align and fate takes it’s course we’ll know that we’re ‘intended’ for each other. And while this may make for a gratifying romantic comedy plot, it’s hardly a realistic way to plan your life. In fact it’s usually paralyzing.

Why am I talking about this? A friend of mine reached out to me via Instagram the other day, apparently she has been reading my blog. She had a question for me in regards to getting unstuck. She mentioned a past relationship that had imploded. I imagine that there are other areas of her life that she would like to work on as well, but this is the one that she came to me about.

I referred her to my post, 10 years from now, and I hope it helps her with not only her other stuff that is going on in her life, but with her failed relationship as well.

However, with that being said, I wanted to bring up a few things that I didn’t mention to her that involve relationships specifically. I didn’t have the time at that moment to talk about it with her, so I’m going to bring it up here.

M, I have no idea as to why you guys didn’t work out except for the little tiny bit that you divulged to me, I’m certain that there is a lot more to that story, and I’m willing to listen to your take on it, if and when you ever decide that you want to share that with me. That being said, you have to own up to your part of it. You have to look really close and honestly at yourself. Where could you have done better by him? What needs could you have fulfilled for him better? I’m positive that he deserves some of the blame for the failing here as well, but I’m not talking with him, I’m talking with you. What could you have done differently? We men, we are fairly simple in most respects. We don’t really care what you do for a living, just so long as you have a means to help support yourself. We don’t care what goals you have for the most part, just as long as you have goals and that there is a way that we can help you achieve them without it just being about money.

Men DO. That’s what we are hard-wired for. We are problem solvers. In a way, we need to be needed. If there isn’t something that we as men can do, there’s no real point in us sticking around. Were you too independent? Were you too boisterous in your opinions of how things “should” be? You mentioned that your ex was a recovering “nice guy.” I know all about that as I’m one myself. Did you say anything to him like, “You should do this, or you should do that?” That’ll get his defenses up in a heartbeat. That will get him to push back hard. I know, I’ve been there.

Were you too “clingy?” Did you want to spend every waking moment with him, and did you? Sometimes men need time for themselves and sometimes they need time to do stuff with other men. When a man wants to spend time alone or with other men, trust me, it’s not a reflection on you. You have nothing to do with it.

Did you change your appearance? While a change of clothes or a new hairstyle won’t be the be-all-end-all of a relationship, it can add to the demise of it. Any radical change in appearance can cause a man to start questioning things. I know about this as well. My ex-wife chopped off her hair at one point and it gave me pause. There were many other things that were not working in my marriage, this didn’t help. I know it might sound and seem shallow, but there it is.

So what do you do now? You move on as best you can. You compare yourself to you only. Are you better today than you were yesterday? That’s what matters. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in other people’s lives. It doesn’t matter if your ex hit the ground running and never looked back, it doesn’t matter if he is sitting in a room with a bottle in one hand and a gun in the other. All that matters for you to get unstuck is you. That means taking a really good, hard look at yourself. Change the things you can, little by little, one by one, day by day.

This also means you need to get back out there and start dating again. The fastest way to get over somebody is to meet somebody new. I know that’s what has worked for me, every time.

When it comes to meeting someone new, look not only for what they bring to the table, look for what YOU have to offer as well. Are you a good cook? Are you a good listener? Are you a good lay? Crude question, but it’s important. A really good woman will make a man’s dick hard, not his life. What value can you add to his life? What do you have to offer? I know you have kept in shape and that will put you miles ahead of the competition. Keep doing that.

Whatever you do, you actually need to DO IT. Talking about it for a short time is okay, but it won’t solve the problem. You’re going to have to take action. You’re going to have to be honest with yourself.

Remember: There is no One. Just like there are some good women, some great women, and some horrible women out there, there are some good men, there are some great men, and there are some bad men, but there is no One.

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