A while back, I wrote about some observations that I had made about Men today, and apparently I’m not the only Man to notice other Men having this same lost look of confusion. While I was at a loss to this “What the fuck? How did I get here?” state, one of my new follows, MJ, has broken it down into how Men have got here and what they can do about it.
The truth is you got there slowly as she broke you down….Somewhere along the way you went from that carefree guy having a good time to being her pack mule. Carrying the load. Likely not getting laid like it said in the shiny LTR brochure you were shown.
Ain’t that the fucking truth. It’s the Death by 1000 Concessions.
I’m going to tell you how to avoid that empty look. First, choose wisely when selecting a LTR mate….
The most important way to avoid this hell is to be upfront about what you bring to the table, and what you expect…
Show her you are willing to face her fury. Hold strong in the whirlwind she stirs thinking it will result in you backing down when she demands something. (Bold and emphasis is mine.)
MJ got me to do some introspection, and when I think back to my marriage, I was that guy who had the “How the fuck did I get here” stare. I really was that guy. One of the ways that I got there was the Death of 1000 Concessions. I wouldn’t “face her fury” as MJ describes it. I would go along to get along in order to have some peace and quiet. I wanted tranquility. What it got me was “compromises.”
Compromises in the form of she, the ex-wife, wanting something, me not wanting whatever it was, a fight breaking out, or her nagging me until she wore me down, and her getting what she wanted. That’s what she called a compromise. She wanted a dog, I didn’t want a dog. We “compromised” and got a dog. She wanted a tablet, I didn’t think she needed a tablet (trust me, she didn’t need it.) We “compromised” and she got a tablet.
I’m not blaming her for any of this. This was totally on me. I didn’t necessarily create this particular “monster,” but I enabled it and endorsed it because I allowed it and wanted peace and harmony over conflict. And who wouldn’t want peace and harmony over conflict? Point is though, not all conflict is bad, and even when it is, you have to stand up and face it. Sometimes you do have to be the asshole and say no. Sometimes you do have to be the “bad guy.” Accept it and move on. Stand your ground on the things that matter. Learn to say no. Learn to stand against her fury and her outrage. Learn to deal with her behavior and more importantly, learn to accept less shitty behavior from her. Stop rewarding her bullshit. Put the kibosh on it or be willing to walk away.
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“Why are you so bitter?” It’s a question that gets asked a lot, usually by a woman to a man when he points out something about her or her gender that is less than flattering. Most of the time, it’s nothing but her doing “point and sputter.” It’s a shaming tactic for the most part.
However, there may be times when that question is legitimate. Any time I’m asked that question, I pause and do a little self examination. “Am I actually being bitter?” It’s a valid internal question for me and here is why:
Many times when we are actually being bitter, when there is some actual validity to the question, it’s because we are angry that she isn’t being what we want her to be. She’s not acting the way we want. In essence, we are projecting what we want her to be and how she should act (according to our own standards, beliefs, etc.)
While I fully believe that we should stop giving women a pass when it comes to their bad behaviors and their poor choices, at the same time, a woman’s nature is what it is. And you’ll never change that about her.
You can’t trust her, but you can trust her to be her. You can trust her to do whatever it is that she’s going to do. Arguing with her about it, trying to change her mind is like pissing into the wind. It’ll blow back on you and all you’ll end up doing is getting soaked and smelling like piss.
I think a lot of men are “bitter” because of this. They want and expect their women to act and behave in certain ways. Basically we want our women to act and behave like men on certain levels. To use logic and rationality. To put facts before feelings. To honor their words. To follow through on their commitments. To be loyal to us. To want a sense of fair play.
Women don’t do these things. At least not like men do. They have their own set of standards when it comes to all of this, and those standards can swing any direction, for any reason, or no reason at all. On the surface, this makes them seem unpredictable. But in reality, you can predict what is coming next if you can get past your ideals of how you think they should act and behave.
Don’t get me wrong, I love women. I don’t think they are “less than” a Man. I don’t think they are inferior to me. I don’t think they are superior either. Nor are they my equals. They simply are what they are. They are complimentary.
When I was younger, I actually was quite bitter towards women. I didn’t hate them, but I definitely didn’t trust them and was suspicious of them. That’s because I didn’t fully understand them. I didn’t understand their natures and wanted to change them. Basically I wanted them to be more like a man. At least when it came to their emotionality and their virtues. The more I tried to get them to act and behave like me, like a Man, like I thought they “ought to,” the more disappointed I became.
When I finally let go of that desire, that need to make them more like me, the world opened up. I could see them for what they actually were, and I could see what was coming next. Sometimes that future behavior or action was something I didn’t like. Sometimes it was something I did want, and sometimes it was just plain interesting. Nothing more. In all cases, I may have been a little bummed because I knew that what was coming was unacceptable to me and I would most likely have to end the relationship, but it was what it was. And I was no longer angry. I was no longer bitter.
Once I accepted that I could trust her to be her, things would usually get better and in a big way. I actually understood them better and realized that 9 out of 10 times, they have no fucking idea what they are doing and why they are doing it. Many times they are more lost than you are.
When I let go of the need to know why she did what she did, life got a lot simpler for me. It didn’t always mean that I liked it, but life did and does get easier. You want to know the secret to women? You want to know why they do what they do? I mentioned it in my last post, but I’ll bring it up here for those that haven’t read it, or are too lazy to go back and read it.
She did whatever it was that she did, she does whatever it is that she does, because she can and because she could.
That’s it. End of story. That is the “why” of all of it. When you can accept that, life gets way easier. You don’t have to like it, hell, I don’t, but you do need to accept it.
The next time a woman, or a man for that matter asks you, “Why are you so bitter?” Stop for a moment and ponder it. Are they just doing the “point and sputter” routine that is the usual go-to tactic? You’ll know if that is the case by knowing yourself. If you are calm, if you don’t care about the outcome, if you are debating, talking, arguing, whatever it is for the simple sake of doing it, for the enjoyment of it, then that question is most likely a “point and sputter” tactic. You got under their skin and they have nothing else. They have nowhere else to go, so they fall back on that one.
But if you find yourself engaged and you actually are angry or hot, or you find yourself trying to actually convince them of your point of view and you have a stake in the outcome, then maybe that question deserves some merit and a closer examination on your part. You may have a blind spot that you didn’t know was there.
A good friend of mine reached out to me just a few days ago. He told me that he and his girlfriend had just broken up. From what he told me, they had been together for awhile. A year or so from what I gather.
They had been living together for a period of time and had just decided on getting a place together, a place that was larger and better than where they had been currently living. Something that they could call their own. They would have moved in on February 1st of this year. But not now. Now that she decided to end it.
I’m sure he’s wondering about the “what’s” and the “why’s” of their break up. I would, and I did when my relationship ended a couple of months ago. I wondered why we broke up. I wondered what I could have done better. I still wonder from time to time about those things.
I’m sure that she gave him some sort of answer as to why they broke up. Maybe it was something similar to what I was given when my ex broke up with me. Maybe it was his age. Maybe it was something about his diet, his health. Maybe it was his politics. Maybe it was all of these things or none of them at all. Maybe it was something else entirely.
The truth of it all, the real fucking nut crushing, hard core, in your face truth is, it doesn’t matter why she left. It doesn’t matter what reason she gave. It doesn’t matter what he thinks he may or may not need to change for a future relationship if he decides to get in another one.
She left because she could. She left because she wanted to. She left because “reasons.” Reasons are just rationalizations and excuses at the end of the day. They don’t really matter. They don’t change anything. In the end, she left because that was what she wanted to do.
I have to remind myself of this sometimes. My ex ultimately left because she wanted to. She didn’t want to be with me anymore. That’s the beginning, middle, and end of it. She didn’t want to do it anymore. And that’s that. I don’t say that out of misery. I don’t say that to garner sympathy. I don’t pity myself. It is just reality. The only reality that matters. She left because she wanted to.
You Men reading this, I want you to understand this:
She left because she could. She left because she wanted to. That’s all that matters. Everything else is just rationalizations piled on bullshit piled on excuses.
She left because she could. She left because she wanted to.
This is the reason that she left. She may tell you a variety of reasons that she left, or not. She could say shit like, “you are too fat.” “You are too domineering.” “You are too angry, too disagreeable, too cold and you shut me out, etc.” None of this changes anything. And it won’t bring her back if you change it. She left because she could.
So your challenge now is to pick up the pieces and move on. To start over. Learn from it and move on. Do shit differently, but move on.
Which brings me to the subject line:
“Should I live with her?”
If you are under the age of 30, the short answer is no. You haven’t established yourself yet. If you are in your career, it’s either just starting, or it’s just starting to take off.
I’ve witnessed many Men, young and old, move a woman in with them only to be bankrupt and living either with their parents or living in a shit-hole a few years later when the relationship went south.
One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to get a lease or a mortgage that you cannot afford on your own and then entrust this other party, your woman, to carry half of the financial responsibility of this arrangement. What are you going to do if the relationship grenades? You either break the lease and take a hit on your credit and then you can’t get a house down the road, you break the lease and can’t get into something else that is decent, so you end up living in a shit-hole, or you may get “lucky” and be able to move back in with your family, or you end up having to get roommates to pay the bills. And beggars can’t be choosers at that time. Have you seen the majority of people that are “roommates?” Flighty, flakes, and fuck offs for the most part. Who wants or needs the drama? Chasing them down to collect their part of the rent. Going after them because they ate your shit. Confronting them on the fact that they are complete pigs and don’t clean up after themselves. No thank you, I’ll pass.
I own my own home. I’ve lived in it for fifteen years. My house has seen quite a few women come through its doors, including an ex-wife and now an ex-girlfriend. In all cases whether there has been another party living under my roof or not, I can pay the mortgage and all of my other bills. I’m not in danger of losing my home.
I can’t stand the idea of having roommates unless they are women and I’m sleeping with them. Too many flakes, dipshits, and deadbeats in the world. I don’t need or want that drama. So I saved up quite a bit of money when I was younger and started thinking long game. I found something that I could afford on my own. That way I wouldn’t be financially impacted in the event that a significant other and I decided to part ways.
You Men reading this and thinking of moving in with a woman, whether you marry her or not, need to keep this in mind:
If you can’t afford the lease, the rent, or the mortgage on your own, you don’t do the lease or get the mortgage. You don’t get a place together. You may move her into your place if you have the space and can afford to make that move, but don’t get a place that requires both of you to put up the money. You can avoid a lot of headaches and heartaches by doing this.
It will require you thinking in long game terms. That means living within your means. Spending less that you earn. Reducing or eliminating as much outstanding debt that you have. That means you may be making certain sacrifices. You may not be eating out as much. You may be living with your folks for a while longer. You will have to delay your gratification.
Moving her into a place that is in your name means it’s yours. She will have to be the one to find somewhere to live if the relationship ends, not you. Moving sucks. I’ve done it enough in the past and I’ve helped others do it many times over the years. That’s why I’ve lived where I have for as long as I have. That, and it’s a decent area. It’s also close to my work, so my commute is only 10 minutes.
I planned all of those things long before I met my ex-wife or my ex-girlfriend. That’s also how I survived the housing recession back in 2008. I only borrowed what I could afford to pay back and I lived within my means. I was never in danger of losing my home back then, and I’m not in any danger of losing it now. I’m definitely not going to lose it over some woman because we broke up.
If you can’t afford the place by yourself on your own, don’t get into that place. Period. Don’t move her in to help with the bills because you can’t afford those bills on your own. Don’t move her in so that you have “pussy on tap.”
The best, most intense, and most frequent sex I ever had, with any woman, was before I moved her in.
Familiarity does breed contempt. Or at least a degree of comfort and laziness. And the sex can quickly decline in frequency and intensity from there. Have slumber parties, for sure. But think twice before your move her in.
And never, ever move in to her place. Her furniture and decorations will already be in place. You will be second place to her stuff. You will literally be moving into a “man cave” from the word go. You will be the one out on your ass if the relationship implodes. You’ll be the one figuring out where you are going to sleep the night it ends. You’ll be the one having to pack your shit up and move on a cold winter day.
Rob Says 
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