When I See It..

No one wants to hear or see the truth. Not really.

So today I’m going to speak of truths, half-truths, and straight up stories and lies. Maybe you’ll be entertained, maybe not. Maybe you’ll figure out which parts are true, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll spot the lies, maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll care, but I don’t care if you do. But maybe I do. Then again, maybe I don’t.

I have always seen myself as grandiose. Larger than life. But I’m also invisible, seen and heard by no one. I’m a Lover and a Hater. I’ve had abundance in everything and I also have nothing. Everything matters and yet it doesn’t. Everything has meaning and form and yet it’s all meaningless and formless. Life is both absurd and yet it’s beautiful and terrible at the same time.

I can seduce and be shunned at the same time. I can be Desired and scorned. I bring Value on occasion and on others I bring nonsense and nothing.

It’s strange how life is a paradox.

In order to “get good with women,” you have to be desireless. In order to love them, you also have to hate them, just a little bit. (h/t to Rian Stone.)

You can accept the world as it is or you can make it your own. And you can do both. Or you can do nothing at all.

There is structure to seduction and at the same time there is a “flow” or “vibe.” There is observation and intuition. There is seeing with your own eyes and also “trusting your gut.”

There is “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

But what about, “I’ll see it when I believe it?”

What are you not seeing because you don’t believe?

What are you not hearing because you turn a deaf ear? What are you not seeing because you turn a blind eye? What is not happening because you don’t believe it can happen?

I’ve always envisioned myself walking with one foot in this world and one foot in another. Is it a fantasy? Yes. Is it a reality? Also, yes. Is it neither? Also yes.

Luke Skywalker said to Yoda after Yoda pulled Luke’s X-Wing out of the swamp, “I don’t believe it!” To which Yoda replied, “That is why you fail.” Am I waxing poetic from a fictional film? Yes I am. Have I taken that little “fiction” and turned it into something that I can use to further my life? Yes, I have.

Am I rambling? Of course I am. It’s nonsensical, grandiose bullshit from a guy who is no one, who is mildly drunk and decided to sit down at a keyboard and type this nonsense out. It’s also my experience with life itself.

And yet I’ve acquired and attained things that if you asked me 30 years ago would be possible for me, I would have told you, “No way.”

I am happier now than I have ever been. And yet I’m alone. I have friends and lovers and I haven’t lost myself in the process, I’m still and will always be my own person. I’ve sacrificed it all and have been given all in return. I see it because I believe it.

What else is possible? How does it get better than this? I don’t know. But I know I’ll see it because I believe it.

I keep “pushing the envelope” to see what will happen. I keep looking and waiting to be told, “No. That’s enough. Stop.” I keep waiting for a boundary, a “line in the sand.” I haven’t found it yet. I push further than I ever thought possible. Resistance has been but a token. It’s all smoke and mirrors. It’s all bullshit and timidity on the part of others. It’s all fear based. This is in everything.

Is it “magical thinking?” Sure it is. It’s also pragmatic and realistic at the same time. It’s Order and Chaos. It’s Black and it’s White. It is both and it is neither. It is confusion and clarity all in one.

It is ancestry and “magical dirt.” A motherland or fatherland. It is also “home is where the heart is.” It is “wherever you go, there you are.” You’ll see it when you believe it.

You’ll get “good” at “it.” Or you won’t. You’ll see it when you believe it.

Life, relationships, sex, women, “success.” They are fantastic, until they aren’t.

Every single relationship I’ve ever had with a woman, with another human being, was great. Until it wasn’t. And then sometimes it was great again. And sometimes it was never great again with that particular person.

I’ve watched and learned by observing others do what I initially thought was impossible for me. I learned from them. Then I had to unlearn what I had learned in order to make it work for me. And then I fucked up and failed and failed again, until one day it “just worked.”

And then I was like, “Ah ha! I have succeeded! I am the master! I won!” Until the next thought came around which was, “Wait. Is that it? That’s all there is to it?” What a bummer. Something that I thought was so complex was actually pretty simple. Until it wasn’t. The rabbit-hole can be never ending sometimes. And sometimes it’s a dead-end.

I could spoon-feed certain things to you, Dear Reader. God knows, I had a discussion with BullRush about it a few weeks ago after an episode of Let ‘Em Burn. He was like, “You and me and a couple of other guys need to sit down and record this and talk about it.”

I agreed with him and I disagreed at the same time. “I don’t think most are ready for these things, Bull. But maybe they are. But why should I give it away for free? Why should I put it “out there” at all? They won’t appreciate it. They haven’t suffered for it from learned experience, so fuck them.” And so, for now, that conversation hasn’t happened. At least not that I know of or that I have been a part of.

Is it egotistic of me to say those things and pronounce “judgment?” Of course it is. But hard won, first hand experience trumps watching YouTube videos and book learning, hands down. Why should I spoon feed anyone? You don’t “deserve” it and you don’t have a “right” to it. Why should I tell you straight up what I have learned when you don’t listen and you won’t apply it?

You don’t want the truth, not really. You want “bread and circuses.” You want to be entertained. Are you not entertained? So I speak in truths, half-truths, and straight up stories and lies. Because that is ultimately what you want to see and hear.

Don’t worry bro, either “just be yourselves,” or be 6’4, jacked and ripped. Be a millionaire with a yacht and a Lambo. Just watch one more YouTube video and read the latest “How to Get The Girl Of Your Dreams,” just one more time. Then, then you’ll be able to finally “get the girl.”

Read this and either dig deep, or don’t. Spot the bullshit or don’t. You’ll see it when you believe it. Or you won’t. You’ll either take something from this, or not. Figure something out for yourselves, or cope.

What do you want? What beliefs are actually yours? What was “planted in your head” by someone else? Do you think it’s possible? Will you see it when you believe it? Or will you believe it when you see it?

3 thoughts on “When I See It..

  1. Rob, you posted this at the exact moment I needed it. I was sitting in my recliner, staring out the window at the perfectly manicured yet nauseating neighborhood I live in. Thinking to myself how I have it made, I have a perfect life, how can it get any better, and at the same time wondering, “Is this all there is? That’s fucking disappointing…” Feeling you have it all and nothing is fucked up.

    51, in good shape, feel pretty good but can tell not what I once was. Overall awesome life yet sitting here thinking I’ve got at best 20 good years left. Is this how it ends? Have I reached the point that now I’m waiting to die? What the hell? It’s not as bad as it sounds, but it is.

    Liked by 2 people

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