Moment Of Clarity

white and brown ceramic vase

A week or so ago, I did a Salt Lake Sit-Down show. It was “on the fly” and mostly “seat of the pants.” It went off really well considering that we were literally setting things up and testing them out, working out the bugs literally moments before it was time to go live.

Then I decided to drink. A lot. The alcohol really went to my head by the time it was time to go live on Masculine Geek. I only vaguely remember what I said for that first episode of the day, and the last time I’ve been that intoxicated, I blacked out. That was a long, long time ago when that one happened and blacking out hasn’t happened since. But that afternoon was a close second.

It was so bad that I remember muting the microphone for the majority of that episode because I honestly didn’t know what random bullshit was going to fall out of my mouth. That’s how intoxicated I was. I definitely didn’t want to be “that guy.”

The guy where it’s like you think you are being profound and “heavy.” That you think you’re dropping “serious truths,” and that everybody is watching and listening raptly, hanging on your every word.

Only to find out later once you’ve sobered up, everybody was quiet, but not for the reasons that you thought. They weren’t in awe with your profundity, they were shocked and made uncomfortable into an awkward silence. It wasn’t rapt attention, it was, “Oh my god, watch this slow moving trainwreck as it goes up in a ball of fire.”

I hate being made a fool of, especially when I’m the jackass doing it. I got to burn. I set myself on fire. Look at me go.

Now, was it as bad as I think and imagine it was? Honestly I don’t know. In a way, I don’t want to know. I’m still embarrassed at myself for losing it that bad.

I woke up the next day, fully sober and finally fully hydrated and with a clear mind. I’m done doing that shit. That doesn’t mean that I’m giving up booze and going on the wagon, but I’m not drinking to that level of excess again. You’re not 21 anymore Rob, get your shit together.

Besides being embarrassed at myself for my behavior that afternoon, I had another revelation. This is why I don’t hang out with people that do a bunch of drugs. Weed was never my thing and the majority of the people that I used to hang around with, when they would get stoned, they would think that whatever thought came to their drug altered minds was some profound, sacred truth.

The reality was a lot different.

It was more like, “Dude, you’re high and you aren’t making any sense whatsoever. You need to shut up.”

And babysitting.

At least people doing weed were generally happy-go-lucky compared to someone who gets drunk and you don’t know what you’re going to get with that. Happy drunk? Sad drunk? Angry drunk? Pick a fight with the biggest guy in the room drunk? Puke on your shoes drunk? Suicidal drunk? Keep an eye on them so that they don’t pass out and choke to death on their own vomit drunk? I’ve been around all of these type of drunks. I’m too old for that shit. At least I’m usually a happy or quiet drunk when I get there, my anger is gone for the most part.

So I’m still going to enjoy my booze, but I’m not getting hammered and going live with it anymore. I want to put out a good quality show with good quality content, not a frat party “look at me getting drunk and making an ass of myself” show.

Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it up and remove all doubt.

I’m still going to entertain and have a bunch of laughs and hopefully make others laugh and forget their bullshit for the time that they are watching my shows or videos. Hopefully besides just the pure entertainment side of it, hopefully they get more from what I’ll be saying as well. Hopefully it will be something that they’ll be able to take home with them and put it into their own lives and get something positive out of it.

So that’s it.

To anyone including Vince, TJ, and Aaron, that watched and thought, “Oh my god..WTF? It’s a trainwreck.” I offer my sincerest apologies. You all deserve better than that from me. I’m sorry if I disappointed or let any of you down. Most of all though, I let myself down. I’m done doing that.

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