For those of you that follow me on Twitter, you may be aware of what has been going on in my life recently. For those of you that don’t, I’ll give you a brief recap.
Starting in September, my girlfriend decided to go on a trip and see Europe for 3 months. During that time, my Mother became ill and eventually she died. Her date of death was September 17th.
There was some things going on in my relationship with my girlfriend at the time. I’m not going to go into the details for several reasons. The biggest reasons though are:
- It’s none of your business. I don’t mean to sound mean, but it’s really none of your business. I briefly touched on it on Twitter as well as on at least one of my Periscope podcasts. If you’re dying to know, you will probably find what you are looking for there.
- I’m not going to shit talk my girlfriend. We both could have done things differently. We both made mistakes and fucked up. We both are accountable. We both need to own our shit in that regard. She’s a good person. I have nothing against her for her part in things. I wish her well.
Needless to say, the girlfriend and I are no longer a couple. She moved out on this last Saturday, the 8th of December.
On Wednesday, the 5th of December, my car was stolen from my driveway. Don’t worry, it’s been recovered. The police found it on December 10th. It’s actually in pretty good shape too. I need to get it re-keyed and deal with the insurance company at this point to get some of the losses taken care of.
So that, in a nutshell, is what I’ve been dealing with for basically the last three months.
Some days I’m good, really good even. Some days, not so much. Waves of sadness wash over me at different points, at different times, on different days. Right now as I’m typing this a wave is washing over me.
I miss my now ex-girlfriend. I miss what we had. I miss what we shared. I miss the fact that our future together isn’t going to be what I had hoped for. I miss the potential future that never was.
I’ve accepted that we aren’t going to be together. I knew that this was not only a real possibility, but a probability.
I’m thankful that I met her when I did, and I’m thankful for the years that we had together. In all honesty, when I first met her, I didn’t think we had any real chance of going any distance other than maybe a couple of months at best. But almost 4 years later, there we were.
It is what it is. It’s done. If I had to do it all over again, knowing that it would still end the way it ended, I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Because all relationships end.
You may go a few days, a few weeks, a few months, a few years, or even decades. You may be with someone for most of your life, even the rest of your life. Eventually it all comes to an end though.
In that sense, you could say that life is tragic. Boy meets girl, boy loses girl either to someone else, or she dies. Same for the women out there who happen to read this.
It’s an eventuality.
You can go your whole life avoiding this truth, all things end. Or you can accept it and embrace it. You can seize it and suck the marrow out of it. The choice is yours.
I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
When the waves wash over me, I tend to go to dark places.
Suicidal thoughts are no strangers to me.
Don’t worry though, I’m not going to do anything like that. I’m not going to do something stupid. I’m not going to bring a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life is too short as it is.
For a lot of years, I’ve had my life on easy mode. I’ve taken the easy way out of things and avoided pain as much as possible. And when the pain of things seemed to almost be too much to bear, I would go to those dark places. It would be so easy to do it. It would be a way to make the pain stop. It’s not the right answer or the right way for me though. I realize that now.
I’m choosing to embrace this pain, as much as it hurts. I’m choosing not to avoid it this time. I’m living with it. I’m living in it too. It will pass with time. I’m choosing to do something with it.
When I’ve experienced pain similar to this in the past, not only would I go to dark places, but I would isolate myself from others. I can’t do that this time. That would probably be too much. It would also drag that pain out longer. I can’t do it. I can’t. I won’t.
So I did something that I don’t usually do.
I reached out.
I reached out to the Men on my Twitter feed. I reached out to anyone and everyone that has been watching my Periscopes.
I’m absolutely floored by the outreach that I’ve received. Men have showed up for me. Men have reached out to let me know that I’m not alone in all of this. Men have reached out in their own ways to let me know that they care about what is going on with me and that in one way or another, I matter to them.
I’m so grateful for them. I’m so indebted to them for this. I only hope that one day, in some way, I can pay them back for their kindness and their concern.
From talking to them on Twitter, from speaking with them on Periscope, from getting phone numbers and follow up texts, I am truly amazed and humbled. From e-mails like this one that I received today:
You don’t know me. We’ll likely never meet. But in this new age of computers, reddit, youtube and blogs; I stumbled across you quite a while back on a youtube video with Rollo Tomassi. I’m a little surprised to be writing this to be honest. But after reading pretty well all of your blogs and watching most of your videos I figured I’d drop you line. For what it worth coming from a complete stranger I just wanted to say I appreciate the time you put into your posts. Despite the bitter taste (at least for myself) of the redpill your articles are well thought out and written, I look forward to reading them. I’m sorry to hear about the passing of your mom, and the recent breakup with your girlfriend. In this day and age the prospects of keeping a relationship in the somewhat idealized state of kindness and respect is difficult, at least from my experiences.
Hope this message finds you well.
“Illegitimi Non Carborundum”
I’m speechless and I’m blown away.
Thank you Mike.
Thank you Vincent.
Thank you Chuck.
Thank you Quintus.
Thank you to all of the men, both the ones in name, and the ones that choose anonymity.
Thank you to all of you reading this. Thank you to those that I forgot to mention or that I don’t know your names. You are not forgotten. Your words to me are not forgotten. Your messages to me have not fallen on deaf ears. I hear you. I see you.
Thank you to all of you who reached out to me in my time of need and threw me a life line. I’m forever grateful and indebted to you. I have your back because you’ve had mine.
I’m not going anywhere Gentlemen. I have work to do. I’ve got things to say. I’ve got blogs to write. I’ve got videos to shoot. And I’ve got Men that I need to meet in real life.
2019 is going to be that year for all of it.
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[…] Mother died in September of 2018, my LTR of almost 4 years ended in December of 2018, although in all honesty, I knew and I believe she knew that the relationship […]