So the 4 to 6 week time line didn’t go as expected. Turns out my Mother had only a few hours left in her life to live.
She died on September 17th at 5:00 pm MST.
She died about 8 hours after I posted my last post.
I’m writing this mostly on Tuesday, the day after. I’m numb and sort of in shock. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all. Even though I knew it was coming, I still thought I had more time. It seems unreal. At least I got to see her one last time before she died and I got to tell her that I loved her and that I would be okay after she was gone. Both my Father and me will be okay.
On Tuesday the 18th, I went with my close extended family and my Father to the mortuary to discuss what’s the next step.
My Father decided to bury her instead of cremate her because he needs and wants a final resting place for her. Somewhere he can go and talk to her. I support his decision for him. I’m good with that.
I never realized what a racket the death industry is until Tuesday. Coffins ain’t cheap. A burial plot ain’t cheap. The vault that the coffin goes in ain’t cheap. The headstone ain’t cheap. I’m not entirely sure at the moment, but I believe my Dad is into it about close to $10,000. Apparently that is cheap considering other people have paid more for this “service.”
After we got done at the mortuary, we went for lunch and talked about everything and nothing. We talked about the shit my Mom has said and done over the years. We talked about people we knew well, we talked about people that were acquaintances at best.
All I wanted to do was drink myself into oblivion. I had a few and got a good, and I mean a real good buzz going on and then went home and began to type this up.
It’s the only way right now that I can cope with the thoughts in my head and the silence that is surrounding me.
The girlfriend is in Europe for 3 months. I won’t see her until December. She knows what is going on because we talk for a bit every day. She’s offered to come home early, but I told her to enjoy her trip, there’s nothing that she can do. It won’t bring my Mom back. I miss both of them so dearly. It hurts just thinking about it.
Death is absurd. So is life when you think about it.
On one hand, I miss my Mom so much, and I know that that particular pain hasn’t even really sunk in yet. The viewing will be on Friday the 21st from 6 to 8 pm. The funeral itself will be on Saturday the 22nd and it starts at 10:30 am. I think. Maybe closer to 11. I don’t remember right at this moment.
So on one hand I miss my Mom, and on the other, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I’m truly free of her. I can truly do what I want and be who I want without her gaze and her judgment. My life feels truly like it is my own. Maybe that makes me a terrible, selfish person, maybe not. Either way, it’s my choice now.
My girlfriend’s family has offered to come up to support me during the funeral, to be there in my girlfriend’s stead. I told them that that wouldn’t be necessary, I’ll be alright.
Maybe they’ll come up, maybe they won’t. Either way, I’m good with it. It’ll be great if they do, it’ll be fine if they don’t. I have no expectations either way.
My Father is 67 years old as I write this. He is a good man. He’s pretty good at being a man too. Some of my earliest “red pilling” came at his hands many years ago.
This will be the first chapter in his life where he is truly calling his own shots and doing whatever he wants to do. He won’t have to feel guilt for not going to the hospital to sit with my Mom. He won’t have to be a caregiver anymore. He can now do whatever he wants to do. I’m happy for him and I’m excited for him as well. He has plans. As he says, and I quote, “I’ve got shit to do.” I look forward to whatever it is that he’s going to do from here on out.
Death and life are absurd. We create all of these expectations and have ideas of what life is truly about and what we think it should be.
The truth is, life just is what it is. You keep on keeping on. It’s punctuated with highs and lows, and in the middle is where you keep on keeping on.
You get to decide what you want to do with your life. Nothing and nobody can truly hold you back except yourself. Not your Mother. Not your Father. Not even society to a large degree. Just you. Your thoughts, your hopes, your expectations. That’s all that is truly holding you back, and that’s all it’s ever been really.
That all being said, the grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side. There are consequences for the choices that you make. You may do things that make your life more incredible than you could have ever possibly imagined. You could fuck things up so bad that there’s no coming back from it too. Remember that. You can choose to do whatever you want, but can’t always escape the consequences of your choices.
Keep on keeping on. Life is what it is. The grass isn’t necessarily greener on the other side. You can have anything you want, but you’ll also have to accept the consequences of having whatever it is that you got.
There are no do overs in life. There’s just life. Consider the consequences of the choices you are making or are about to make and then choose accordingly.
Even writing about life and death is absurd. It’s all absurd to one degree or another. In the end there are no rules.
I’ve run out of things to say for now. Now I’m choosing to stop writing and I’m going to drink myself into a stupor. Maybe not my best choice, but it’s what I choose for the moment. I accept the consequences of my choice. Judge me if you want. I don’t care. Your judgment and my own judgment really mean nothing in the long run, and they are both absurd as well.