The Silence…

silhouette of man at sunset
Silence Is Hell.

[Edit: I wrote this a while back when I was going through a real rough patch. Things are much better now. -Rob]

The Silence is…Deafening.

The Silence is…Distracting.

The Silence is…Unbearable.

Not going to lie, it’s been a rough few weeks since my relationship ended. The worst part of it is the nights.

Like that cornball saying from Game of Thrones: Winter is Here. It gets dark early, the house is quiet, too quiet. I go to bed early because why not? Only to not fall asleep and stare at the ceiling.

The ringing in my ears from the silence is distracting almost to the point of madness. So a video comes on. Or a movie. Or music. Anything to shut out the sound of silence.

As I write this, the click of the keyboard on my bed is soothing. It dulls the silence. It is background noise of a sort.

I’m trying to remember what it was like to be able to sit in silence or lie down in silence and be comforted by it. To be good with the silence. I’ll get there. Eventually. I know this. It’s just not right now.

Right now silence is too silent. It’s a distraction. It’s an obstacle. It’s an adversary to me. It’s not my friend at the moment.

Too much silence at this moment in my life.

It’s kind of funny, I wake up in silence. I go to work in silence. I can’t stand listening to the radio in the morning during my commute. Too many commercials and shit music. Too much mindless babbling from the radio “personalities.”

I talk with my co-workers briefly before going out on route. I drive around in silence. I exchange brief, cordial pleasantries with the customers when I service them. Rinse and repeat.

I get back to the shop when the work is done, talk briefly. Get back into my car for the commute home in silence. I get home to a silent house. I go to the gym and listen to music while I’m there. I don’t talk to anyone for the most part because I’m there to work out, as are they.

I go back home, fix dinner in silence, and then I’ll get on Twitter or Periscope for a bit. My voice breaks the silence for however long I’m doing the social media thing.

I go to bed in silence and not fall asleep because of the silence.

And the whole process tends to repeat itself. At least for right now.

The Silence is…Hell.

I can see the “light at the end of the tunnel,” so to speak. But it feels like it’s a million miles away.

I’m tired of the silence already.

I’m tired.

I’m rambling via a keyboard so that the click of the keys breaks the silence.

I’m typing to keep on keeping on.

I’ve got this. Some way, somehow, I’ve got this.


I just found this in my drafts recently and debated on sharing it or not. I originally wrote this post back in March of 2019. It’s interesting finding this post and reading it, seeing where I was at and comparing it to now.

The silence is still there from time to time, but it’s rare now. I still have an occasional sleepless night, but those too, are rare.

Winter is Here, yet again, just like last year. Only this year is better, much better. All those feelings I felt a year ago, they were just feelings, and they passed with the passage of time. I went from being alone in a silent house to having multiple people show up and share time with me. If I had done the unthinkable, if I had contemplated the thing that cannot be undone, I wouldn’t be here now. I wouldn’t know the things that I know now. I wouldn’t have had all the experiences that I have had now.

I wouldn’t have the friendships that I have now. I wouldn’t have the sex and the relationships that I have now. I wouldn’t have told the stories that I’ve told and I wouldn’t have been able to listen to the stories that were told to me. I wouldn’t have seen the things I’ve seen, or visited the people and the places that I’ve visited.

A whole lifetime of stories and experiences had, and in less than a year from when I first wrote this particular post. Damn, what a wonderful world I inhabit and live in. And to think, the silence was starting to do me in. I didn’t let it, and here I am.

Don’t let it do you in either.

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How To Win At Anything

ace playing cards on brown textile

It’s Story Time. So gather ’round and listen up…

A Young Man lived in a Village by the Sea. He had heard that somewhere, many miles away, up on a Mountain, there was a Man who had a Secret. A Secret so strong and so powerful, that if One had the Secret, he would win any competition. He would win any argument. No one would be able to stop him.

The Young Man set out to meet this Man….

For days and weeks, what seemed like days on end, the Young Man trekked. He swam across rivers, cut his way through jungles, dared the heat and thirst of the desert, and climbed slowly, painfully to the peak of the Mountain. He traveled so long, he forgot the days, he knew not how long it had taken him to reach this point, but reach it he did….

The Young Man reached the top to find the Man that he had been looking for. The Man was of average height and build, unassuming. The Man sat before a small fire, sipping from a glass, what appeared to be whiskey.

The Man looked up at the Young Man, the Young Man’s clothes were dirty and torn from his long travels. His hair disheveled, the Young Man desperately needed a shower and a shave.

The Man sipped from his glass and watched, saying nothing.

The Young Man gasped and panted, the trek had been long and arduous. He finally spoke.

“I’ve been seeking you, Sir. I’ve come a long way from my home in the Village by the Sea so that I may learn your Secret. Your Secret where if I have it, I’ll win any argument, any competition. Do you know of the Secret that I am speaking about?”

The Man nodded.

The Young Man grew excited. “You do know the Secret! Will you teach it to me?”

The Man nodded again and gestured for the Young Man to sit down by the fire.

The Young Man sat down and waited…

The Man finished his drink, stared into the bottom of the glass, and then looked around himself to find a container nearby. He opened the container and poured some of the contents into the glass.

The Young Man waited, watching…

The Man sat the container of fluid next to himself, took another sip from his glass and looked at the glass approvingly.

The Young Man spoke. “Well?”

The Man looked at the Young Man inquisitively.

“Are you going to teach me the Secret?”

The Man nodded.

The Young Man waited….

And waited…

The afternoon crept into dusk. The fire was burning down and the Man added a couple of logs to it to replenish it.

And the Young Man waited some more…

Night came…

And both Men sat alternating staring at each other and fire….

The Young Man grew drowsy from his journey and he slumped over in exhaustion…..


The Young Man woke with a start…

The fire was stoked and the Man was making coffee from the heat of it. The Man offered a cup to the Young Man who angrily refused it.

“What is going on here?!” The Young Man exclaimed. “I thought you were going to teach me the Secret, and instead we have been staring at each other all night long! I can’t believe this! I traveled long and far to come to you, to learn from you, and here you sit, saying nothing!”

While the Young Man was raving, the Man sighed and got up, turned his back on the Young Man, and started walking slowly up the remainder of the peak to his tent that was set up.

The Young Man jumped to his feet, “Where are you going? What are you doing? You said you knew the Secret and that you would teach it to me! I demand to know what it is! You’re going to teach it to me!”

The Man looked back over his shoulder at the Young Man and spoke, “Young Man, go home. Go back to your Village by the Sea. For I have taught you the Secret and you are too deaf to hear it.”


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