It’s been a little over a month since my ex-girlfriend moved out. I’ll be completely honest, I miss her terribly sometimes. I miss what we could have had, and what we did have. I miss her company. I miss seeing her smiling face and hearing her laugh. I miss her body. I miss having her lying next to me in bed at night and waking up to see her in the morning.
Maybe I have a small touch of Oneitis. I wouldn’t doubt that. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any delusions that she was ever my “soulmate.” I don’t have the scarcity mentality that “I’ll never love again.” But every once in a while, damn, I sure do miss her.
She was the youngest, most fit, and most attractive woman that I’ve had so far in my life. She put the past women to shame. There will be other women, I know this. But at this moment that I’m typing this, it doesn’t seem like it. It doesn’t seem like there will be another “younger, hotter, tighter.” There will be, I know it. It just doesn’t seem like that right now. I’ll get there though.
Here’s something I did think about though:
Maybe I dodged a bullet. You see, my ex-gf snowballed me when we broke up. I really had no idea that it was coming. Maybe us breaking up was a good thing.
A couple of months before we broke up, we had talked about a future where there would have been marriage and most likely some children. I’m old enough at this point that I was good with the idea that I would never be a father, but then we talked about it, seriously. I realized that not only was the idea okay, it actually appealed to me. I got excited about the idea of being a father. I got excited about the idea of raising children and being called “Dad.”
Now that’s not going to happen. At least not with her anyways. Perhaps it won’t happen at all. I don’t know how I feel about that.
Maybe I dodged a bullet because we could have gotten married and had children and she could have snowballed me then, and either left me raising children by myself, or even worse, she could have gotten custody of my children and then I’m left doing what a lot of Men are doing these days: Working themselves into an early grave to provide for their children that they don’t get to see as often as they would like to. Having another man raising and/or influencing their children in ways that may not be how he, as the father, would want his children raised. Paying alimony.
I could sit here and lament the relationship that ended. I could lament how it didn’t work out the way that I had hoped it would. I could pine over her. I could torture myself in a thousand different ways by playing the “coulda, woulda, shoulda” game. I could go over all of this for the millionth time in my head and try to wrap myself around it. And still come up short on answers that satisfy me.
Or I could look at it as I dodged a bullet. Better now that all of the things that happened, happened. Better now that they happened rather than 5 years down the road. Better they happened before we ever talked about setting a wedding date and started actually having children.
If you are a Man and you’re reading this right now, and you’re dealing with a divorce, a break up, a loss of a relationship, maybe you too, dodged a bullet.
Screaming Into The Void. It’s a term I’ve come across recently. For me, it evokes an image of a person screaming into a gigantic, never-ending black nothingness. Nothing escapes the Void. Whatever goes into it never comes back out. No sound ever leaves it. Not an echo, not a murmur, not a whisper. Not even light can escape the Void. It’s a black hole.
Being on the internet and on social media specifically, is like screaming into the void. You create a blog, you start putting your thoughts and feelings out there, you start bleeding on your keyboard. You pour your soul out, you expose all your fears, insecurities, ideas, anything. Anything to be heard, anything to be seen. Anything to say, “I’m here. I’m alive. I matter.” You pour it all out. Then you hit “send,” or “publish.” And then?
Nothing.
Oh don’t get me wrong, your words, your thoughts, your pictures, your ideas are out there. You can see them on your screen, large as life. You can click an array of links and get back to your words, your essence. Yep, still there.
But still. Nothing.
And this can go on forever. It really and literally can.
It can make you lose hope. It can make you want to give up. Trust me, I get it. There’s been many times over the years that I wanted to give up, to say, “fuck it,” and go back to watching television or reading a book, or doing…. Whatever.
Maybe I’m masochistic. Maybe I’m just stubborn. Maybe I think that what I say does actually have some value, and that maybe, just maybe, some day, some time, somewhere, someone might actually penetrate the Void and find what I’ve put out there.
It does happen.
It can and does take time, but it does happen.
When I first got on to Twitter, like everyone else, I had no followers. So I followed a couple of “celebrities.” I watched the tweets, replies, etc. I’ve come to realize that most of your really, really big accounts have handlers. It’s not usually that one person doing the actual tweeting. Of course, there are always exceptions. But most of the time, it’s not the actual person that is named on the account doing the tweeting.
I then started following some of the big accounts followers. Little guys. Guys a lot like me. Guys who followed a bunch of people but had few followers themselves. I found some of their tweets added value to my day, my life. So I re-tweeted what they said. Maybe I really liked what they said. Maybe they said it better than I could have said it. Sometimes I would add my two cents in the re-tweets.
Soon, I started replying to their tweets, adding my own two cents. Most of the time, and even today when I reply to something, it usually goes into the Void. That’s okay. I’m not necessarily looking for interaction. I’m just adding my two cents. But every now and then, somebody replies to my reply and a sort of dialogue opens up. I’m no longer screaming into the Void.
So I decided to start a blog. This blog. And in the beginning, it was me screaming into the Void again. Even now, when it comes to comments on my posts, when it comes to interaction with others, I’m still screaming into the Void. That’s fine. I’m not here to get a bunch of followers and have a ton of interaction. I created my blog mostly for me to log my thoughts and my journey through my life and my experiences that I’ve gained from learning about the Red Pill.
Anyone who finds this blog, anyone who reads it, is simply going along for the ride. I’m doing the driving and the navigating, you dear Reader, are just enjoying the scenery. Hopefully you are enjoying the ride. Hopefully you are enjoying the reading. I hope you are getting something of value from what I write.
I have no idea how many people that follow my blog actually read my blog with any consistent basis. I like to think that there are a couple of people that do. I like to think that there are a few of you out there that have found my blog, you’ve penetrated the Void, and that we have some sort of common connection. Some sort of common bond or experience.
And I know I do have that. I do have that connection and bond. Comments do come in from time to time. Interactions are had. Moments are made.
In some cases, friendships have been forged. It’s truly an amazing time we live in.
I created a Youtube channel a long time ago. I set it up mostly so that I could watch what others have created. I then decided to add to my channel by putting up videos of my animals doing what they do. Those videos are still there. I’m not taking them down even if they are dumb. Those are moments that bring me joy even if you or anyone else think they are stupid. I don’t care. It’s not about you on those videos, it’s about me and my life.
I then started adding videos of motorcycle rides that I’ve done. That’s another passion of mine, motorcycle riding. I’ve seen a lot of places, met a lot of people, created a lot of memories while sitting on a motorcycle. One of my closest friends I met on a ride.
Then I started adding videos about things that I’ve talked about on this blog. Some of it is me reading my blog posts word for word. Sometimes I add things to the videos that I didn’t know or think about at the time I created the blog post. Sometimes the videos are off the cuff, me flying by the seat of my pants. Everybody has different ways of gaining knowledge. Some, like me, prefer to read the written word. I get the most “bang for my buck” by reading.
Some people gain more insight by seeing, by watching. This is the second best way for me to get something out of something.
Some people gain their insight by just listening. Welcome to audio podcasts and audio books. I like these as well. I do find that I enjoy listening to podcasts and audio books, but I tend to wander and that if I’m truly trying to learn something, it’s better for me to either read about the subject at hand, or watch something about it. Just listening, for me, is more about relaxing and entertainment value.
I then took the audio portions of my videos and turned them into bonafide podcasts. I decided if I’m going to scream into the Void, I’m going to scream into as many parts of that Great Nothing as possible. I’m going to put as much out there as I can, because maybe, just maybe, someone somewhere will find it.
I think the the term Void is misleading. It’s not really this great big black hole nothing that our words, our thoughts, our hopes, ideas, and dreams go into.
It’s more like a radio signal being broadcast into space. In some cases this is actually, literally true. If you are broadcasting something via some form of radio transmission, you are actually and literally broadcasting into space.
The point I’m trying to make is that the signal is out there. It just has to be found. It takes time. Sometimes a lot of time. But it gets found eventually. It always does. Someone, somewhere does find it. So you keep going. You keep writing. You keep doing videos. You keep tweeting. You keep doing podcasts. You keep sending the signal.
It only feels like the Void because you think it’s the Void. It’s not the Void. It’s just space. It’s just tuning the radio dial to the right frequency. It’s just tuning in. It’s just timing. Keep at it. Keep doing it. Keep going on. Keep doing you.
I’ve received all sorts of feedback via direct messages, texts, and e-mails about my videos and this blog. I’m not screaming into the Void. Not any longer. I never really was. People just tuned into the frequency that I’m transmitting on. The Void, the silence, has been broken.
While I send a decent amount of time writing my posts, tweeting my tweets, and making my videos, I also spend a good amount of time tuning my radio dial. I spend time looking for new connections and content. I too am travelling through space looking to find new experiences and learn new things. I’m tuning that dial. I’m looking for you.
Don’t stop doing what you are doing because you feel like you’re screaming into the Void. Don’t stop. I’m still trying to find you. Give me a chance to find you. Don’t give up. Not yet. You haven’t done it long enough to give up yet. I’m still looking for you.
For those of you that follow me on Twitter, you may be aware of what has been going on in my life recently. For those of you that don’t, I’ll give you a brief recap.
Starting in September, my girlfriend decided to go on a trip and see Europe for 3 months. During that time, my Mother became ill and eventually she died. Her date of death was September 17th.
There was some things going on in my relationship with my girlfriend at the time. I’m not going to go into the details for several reasons. The biggest reasons though are:
It’s none of your business. I don’t mean to sound mean, but it’s really none of your business. I briefly touched on it on Twitter as well as on at least one of my Periscope podcasts. If you’re dying to know, you will probably find what you are looking for there.
I’m not going to shit talk my girlfriend. We both could have done things differently. We both made mistakes and fucked up. We both are accountable. We both need to own our shit in that regard. She’s a good person. I have nothing against her for her part in things. I wish her well.
Needless to say, the girlfriend and I are no longer a couple. She moved out on this last Saturday, the 8th of December.
On Wednesday, the 5th of December, my car was stolen from my driveway. Don’t worry, it’s been recovered. The police found it on December 10th. It’s actually in pretty good shape too. I need to get it re-keyed and deal with the insurance company at this point to get some of the losses taken care of.
So that, in a nutshell, is what I’ve been dealing with for basically the last three months.
Some days I’m good, really good even. Some days, not so much. Waves of sadness wash over me at different points, at different times, on different days. Right now as I’m typing this a wave is washing over me.
I miss my now ex-girlfriend. I miss what we had. I miss what we shared. I miss the fact that our future together isn’t going to be what I had hoped for. I miss the potential future that never was.
I’ve accepted that we aren’t going to be together. I knew that this was not only a real possibility, but a probability.
I’m thankful that I met her when I did, and I’m thankful for the years that we had together. In all honesty, when I first met her, I didn’t think we had any real chance of going any distance other than maybe a couple of months at best. But almost 4 years later, there we were.
It is what it is. It’s done. If I had to do it all over again, knowing that it would still end the way it ended, I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Why?
Because all relationships end.
You may go a few days, a few weeks, a few months, a few years, or even decades. You may be with someone for most of your life, even the rest of your life. Eventually it all comes to an end though.
In that sense, you could say that life is tragic. Boy meets girl, boy loses girl either to someone else, or she dies. Same for the women out there who happen to read this.
It’s an eventuality.
You can go your whole life avoiding this truth, all things end. Or you can accept it and embrace it. You can seize it and suck the marrow out of it. The choice is yours.
I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
When the waves wash over me, I tend to go to dark places.
Suicidal thoughts are no strangers to me.
Don’t worry though, I’m not going to do anything like that. I’m not going to do something stupid. I’m not going to bring a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Life is too short as it is.
For a lot of years, I’ve had my life on easy mode. I’ve taken the easy way out of things and avoided pain as much as possible. And when the pain of things seemed to almost be too much to bear, I would go to those dark places. It would be so easy to do it. It would be a way to make the pain stop. It’s not the right answer or the right way for me though. I realize that now.
I’m choosing to embrace this pain, as much as it hurts. I’m choosing not to avoid it this time. I’m living with it. I’m living in it too. It will pass with time. I’m choosing to do something with it.
When I’ve experienced pain similar to this in the past, not only would I go to dark places, but I would isolate myself from others. I can’t do that this time. That would probably be too much. It would also drag that pain out longer. I can’t do it. I can’t. I won’t.
So I did something that I don’t usually do.
I reached out.
I reached out to the Men on my Twitter feed. I reached out to anyone and everyone that has been watching my Periscopes.
I’m absolutely floored by the outreach that I’ve received. Men have showed up for me. Men have reached out to let me know that I’m not alone in all of this. Men have reached out in their own ways to let me know that they care about what is going on with me and that in one way or another, I matter to them.
I’m so grateful for them. I’m so indebted to them for this. I only hope that one day, in some way, I can pay them back for their kindness and their concern.
From talking to them on Twitter, from speaking with them on Periscope, from getting phone numbers and follow up texts, I am truly amazed and humbled. From e-mails like this one that I received today:
Hey Rob
You don’t know me. We’ll likely never meet. But in this new age of computers, reddit, youtube and blogs; I stumbled across you quite a while back on a youtube video with Rollo Tomassi. I’m a little surprised to be writing this to be honest. But after reading pretty well all of your blogs and watching most of your videos I figured I’d drop you line. For what it worth coming from a complete stranger I just wanted to say I appreciate the time you put into your posts. Despite the bitter taste (at least for myself) of the redpill your articles are well thought out and written, I look forward to reading them. I’m sorry to hear about the passing of your mom, and the recent breakup with your girlfriend. In this day and age the prospects of keeping a relationship in the somewhat idealized state of kindness and respect is difficult, at least from my experiences.
Hope this message finds you well.
“Illegitimi Non Carborundum”
I’m speechless and I’m blown away.
Thank you.
Thank you Mike.
Thank you Vincent.
Thank you Chuck.
Thank you Quintus.
Thank you to all of the men, both the ones in name, and the ones that choose anonymity.
Thank you to all of you reading this. Thank you to those that I forgot to mention or that I don’t know your names. You are not forgotten. Your words to me are not forgotten. Your messages to me have not fallen on deaf ears. I hear you. I see you.
Thank you to all of you who reached out to me in my time of need and threw me a life line. I’m forever grateful and indebted to you. I have your back because you’ve had mine.
I’m not going anywhere Gentlemen. I have work to do. I’ve got things to say. I’ve got blogs to write. I’ve got videos to shoot. And I’ve got Men that I need to meet in real life.
Rob Says 
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