Tag: men

A Tale of No One

Rob Says7 Comments
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My “Soul Mate” when I was 18.

I had a “Soul Mate” when I was 18. That’s her in the picture. She was my first love, she was my first sexual experience, she was my first in a lot of things. We dated for almost two years. I look back on that now and that time period is really very short, but back then, it felt like an eternity. Everything was good, until it wasn’t. When our relationship ended, I took it very well initially. I was in college at the time and there was plenty of new women to date and hopefully get laid by. As time and dating went on, I kept comparing the new women to her and it always ended badly for them. Little did I know what I was creating.

Fast forward about 6 months after the relationship ended and I thought I was hitting rock bottom. It didn’t help that I had a summer job that I hated and that the guys that I worked with would play country music constantly. A sad song of loss would come on the radio, and there I was, identifying with it. It got so bad that I actually called her one day and asked her if there was a chance that we could work things out. I remember very vividly to this very day what she said to me. “I’m sorry Rob, but that door is closed.” I literally heard it slam shut in my head.

A few months later the bottom in my life at the time truly fell out from under me. It was around Christmas, and I was home on winter break from college and my mother and I went to see a movie. I don’t remember the title right now, I do know it was a comedy that had Eddie Murphy in it. I think it was Coming to America, but I’m not sure. What I do remember is that something funny happened in the film and the whole audience was laughing, including me. My laughter kept going and going until I started to cry. My mother looked over at me and asked me what was wrong, and I told her, with tears running down my face, “I think I want to kill myself.”

Six months after the break up, the slide into depression began. It was stealthy and quiet at first. My comparing new women to my old flame didn’t help in the slightest. I know now that I created a fallacy about her and me. In my eyes, she was better and more beautiful than she really was. Our relationship was better than it had actually been. The sex was more amazing than anyone new. You get the idea.

I ended up getting help with my suicidal tendencies and my depression and got through it, obviously. The whole soul mate idea still lingered though. I really and genuinely thought that I would never meet another woman quite like the one I had had. To a degree that was and is true. No one is quite like her. But that doesn’t mean that there wasn’t others to come. I thought that I had lost my “soul mate” until another woman came along about two years after this first love of mine. She was pretty terrific in her own way, and guess what? The relationship worked until it didn’t, the sex was pretty amazing, and we experienced the usual things that couples experience. I learned then that there are a lot of women out there that will fit into my life just fine.

The point I’m getting to is this: There is no One.

Rollo Tomassi of the Rational Male describes it best, so I’m quoting him here:

ONEitis is paralysis. You cease to mature, you cease to move, you cease to be you.

There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are LOTS of ‘special someones’ out there for you, just ask the divorced/widowed person who’s remarried after their “soulmate” has died or moved on.

This is what trips people up about the soul-mate myth, it is this fantasy that we all at least in some way share an idealization of – that there is ONE perfect mate for each of us, and as soon as the planets align and fate takes it’s course we’ll know that we’re ‘intended’ for each other. And while this may make for a gratifying romantic comedy plot, it’s hardly a realistic way to plan your life. In fact it’s usually paralyzing.

Why am I talking about this? A friend of mine reached out to me via Instagram the other day, apparently she has been reading my blog. She had a question for me in regards to getting unstuck. She mentioned a past relationship that had imploded. I imagine that there are other areas of her life that she would like to work on as well, but this is the one that she came to me about.

I referred her to my post, 10 years from now, and I hope it helps her with not only her other stuff that is going on in her life, but with her failed relationship as well.

However, with that being said, I wanted to bring up a few things that I didn’t mention to her that involve relationships specifically. I didn’t have the time at that moment to talk about it with her, so I’m going to bring it up here.

M, I have no idea as to why you guys didn’t work out except for the little tiny bit that you divulged to me, I’m certain that there is a lot more to that story, and I’m willing to listen to your take on it, if and when you ever decide that you want to share that with me. That being said, you have to own up to your part of it. You have to look really close and honestly at yourself. Where could you have done better by him? What needs could you have fulfilled for him better? I’m positive that he deserves some of the blame for the failing here as well, but I’m not talking with him, I’m talking with you. What could you have done differently? We men, we are fairly simple in most respects. We don’t really care what you do for a living, just so long as you have a means to help support yourself. We don’t care what goals you have for the most part, just as long as you have goals and that there is a way that we can help you achieve them without it just being about money.

Men DO. That’s what we are hard-wired for. We are problem solvers. In a way, we need to be needed. If there isn’t something that we as men can do, there’s no real point in us sticking around. Were you too independent? Were you too boisterous in your opinions of how things “should” be? You mentioned that your ex was a recovering “nice guy.” I know all about that as I’m one myself. Did you say anything to him like, “You should do this, or you should do that?” That’ll get his defenses up in a heartbeat. That will get him to push back hard. I know, I’ve been there.

Were you too “clingy?” Did you want to spend every waking moment with him, and did you? Sometimes men need time for themselves and sometimes they need time to do stuff with other men. When a man wants to spend time alone or with other men, trust me, it’s not a reflection on you. You have nothing to do with it.

Did you change your appearance? While a change of clothes or a new hairstyle won’t be the be-all-end-all of a relationship, it can add to the demise of it. Any radical change in appearance can cause a man to start questioning things. I know about this as well. My ex-wife chopped off her hair at one point and it gave me pause. There were many other things that were not working in my marriage, this didn’t help. I know it might sound and seem shallow, but there it is.

So what do you do now? You move on as best you can. You compare yourself to you only. Are you better today than you were yesterday? That’s what matters. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in other people’s lives. It doesn’t matter if your ex hit the ground running and never looked back, it doesn’t matter if he is sitting in a room with a bottle in one hand and a gun in the other. All that matters for you to get unstuck is you. That means taking a really good, hard look at yourself. Change the things you can, little by little, one by one, day by day.

This also means you need to get back out there and start dating again. The fastest way to get over somebody is to meet somebody new. I know that’s what has worked for me, every time.

When it comes to meeting someone new, look not only for what they bring to the table, look for what YOU have to offer as well. Are you a good cook? Are you a good listener? Are you a good lay? Crude question, but it’s important. A really good woman will make a man’s dick hard, not his life. What value can you add to his life? What do you have to offer? I know you have kept in shape and that will put you miles ahead of the competition. Keep doing that.

Whatever you do, you actually need to DO IT. Talking about it for a short time is okay, but it won’t solve the problem. You’re going to have to take action. You’re going to have to be honest with yourself.

Remember: There is no One. Just like there are some good women, some great women, and some horrible women out there, there are some good men, there are some great men, and there are some bad men, but there is no One.

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Your Co-Worker’s Aren’t Your Friends

Rob Says4 Comments
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Screenshot of a conversation with the girlfriend

This screenshot is what the girlfriend sent me the other day. Apparently, she was ratted out for using her phone while working when her company policy explicitly prohibits this. Of course, everybody at her work uses their phones while working. It’s one of those company policies that everyone pays lip service to until they need to use it to throw someone else under the bus. This was her first time, at least at this job, and as far as I know, that she has been targeted by somebody (or multiple somebody’s) at her work. Like you can see in the screenshot, she’s frustrated because she’s not sure who did it. I told her later that she’s got enemies that she didn’t know about and they haven’t revealed themselves.

Your co-worker’s aren’t your friends.

You may get along with them. You may joke around with them and have a few laughs. You may genuinely enjoy their company and find pleasure working alongside them. They aren’t your friends though.

Everything you do with them and around them is great and fine and funny, until it isn’t. Keep in mind that anything you say and do around your co-workers can, and most likely, will be used against you. Our modern corporate culture virtually guarantees this. Ratting out your fellow “team mates” is encouraged. Think of all those mandatory sexual harassment training’s that you’ve received. Not only should you report to management anything that happens to you, you should also report anything that you witness happening to someone else. You overhear a conversation between a couple of other co-workers that offends you? Report it. You see someone touching someone else in a manner that you consider inappropriate? Go to HR. In fact, if you don’t, you could be the one in trouble.

Several years ago, I worked with a guy who liked to hug the female bank tellers at the bank that we serviced. From what I could tell, it didn’t seem to bother these women. Until it did. One day I get called into the general manager’s office. He’s got my co-worker sitting there, and the lady who is the head of HR, standing there. Needless to say, it was a “closed door” meeting. The bank had called our business and apparently the women were in an uproar about my co-worker hugging the tellers, and my management was going to get to the bottom of it.

Fast forward a little bit: We both got suspended, with pay, until the investigation was completed. That was a week off for me. When I got the call to come back in, I was fairly certain that I was going to lose my job. The company took sexual harassment claims very seriously. They had a zero tolerance policy towards it. When I came back in, I found out that my co-worker was let go and my suspension with pay became a suspension without pay.

Why was that? Because of guilt by association, and the fact that I didn’t snitch my co-worker out. I was there on the days that he hugged the tellers, I witnessed him do it. I didn’t agree with him hugging the bank tellers, it’s definitely something I wouldn’t have done. However, it seemed that the tellers were fine with it. I’m not the morality police. It wasn’t in my job description to keep an eye on him and hold his hand. He’s a grown man. And I’m not a rat. This man was the eyes in the back of my head. While we would be out in the public, delivering money to banks, he was my protector, and I was his. He made a stupid mistake, he got too friendly. He thought “we (the tellers) were all friends.”

This wasn’t the first time that I’ve been in the cross-hairs of a fellow employee at work. I could give more examples, but I’m sure you get the point, and if you don’t, you will eventually.

With all of that in mind, here are my “7 rules” for surviving at work:

  1. Trust No One. Your co-worker’s aren’t your friends. Everything is fine until it isn’t.
  2. Keep a Low Profile. Keep your head down. Watch what you say and what you do. The walls have eyes and ears. Don’t talk about anything, and I mean literally, anything about your personal life. Don’t stare at the hot co-worker chick with the nice rack and the nice ass as she walks by. She may not see you staring, but somebody else will. And they will be offended, be sure of it. Don’t talk about sex, religion, and do not ever engage in politics. Not at this point in time anyways. My co-worker’s have no idea if I’m married, if I have children, or what I do in my spare time. It’s none of their business. If it sounds like I’m describing a war-zone, it’s because I am.
  3. As curious as you may be, don’t ask your co-worker’s personal questions. See rule number two. If you do, you are opening the door to them reciprocating and asking you personal questions. That way leads to Pandora’s Box. Just don’t do it.
  4. Remain calm at all times. Take your frustration out at the gym. Take it out at the gun range. Take it out anywhere except at work. In today’s world of safe spaces, triggers, and political correctness, you don’t want to be seen as anything other than stable and dependable. Smile and nod.
  5. Remember why it is that you work where you do and for whom you do. You are there to get paid. You may enjoy your work and even have a passion for it. I hope you do. But you are their to get paid first. I like all of my co-worker’s just fine and wish them no ill-will, but I don’t hang out with them once it’s time to leave. I’m there to get paid and do a job, not to be friends.
  6. Keep your conversation with female co-workers to the absolute minimum. Talking about the weather is fine. Conversation that entails work is essential of course, that’s part of why you are there. Avoid partaking in gossip at all costs. It’s perfectly ok to listen to gossip, you will have the pulse of the office, so to speak. Do not participate in gossip. Ever. It can and will blow up in your face one day.
  7. Do not apologize. If you are called out on something, if you get called into the office for some offense, however real or imaginary, do not apologize. Apologies are admissions of guilt and will be used as ammunition against you.

If it sounds like I’m being extreme, I am. Just because your not paranoid doesn’t mean that they aren’t out to get you. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve spent almost all of my working life in the corporate world and I’ve had far more enjoyable encounters than not, and I’ve been able to thrive and make a good living at what I do. You can too if you take my advice and keep those pointers in mind.

One last thing: In today’s world of #MeToo and #TimesUp, if you are a man, it would be in your best interest if you have a witness, preferably another man, present when dealing with your female co-worker’s. Minimize one-on-one exposure if you possibly can. Definitely do not have closed door talks with a female co-worker. It could turn into a “he said/she said” situation down the road, and right now whatever “she said,” will be right and true, and whatever you say will be wrong and false.

Keep this in mind as well: When dealing with office politics and your co-workers, if you don’t know who the mark is, you’re the mark.

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Purpose.

Rob Says1 Comment

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What is your purpose? What are you here for? What are you here to do?

As men, we are purpose driven, we have goals, we have desires, we have what we like to call our “destiny.” I’m seeing a lot of men right now that have no purpose in their lives. They are adrift. They are “going through the motions.” They are “wandering in the desert.” They are lost.

Video games, porn, junk food, drugs, mindless sex. These are symptoms of lack of purpose. I’m not against any of these things per se, but if that’s all you are finding yourself doing more often than not, then you probably lack purpose, your life lacks meaning. When your life lacks purpose or meaning, then nothing matters. Nihilism can get a foothold. I know, I’ve been there. One thing I’ve found out, if you keep looking outside yourself to others for purpose, you’ll find it; it won’t be your purpose, it’ll be their’s. Is that a good thing? Is that what you want? Don’t be surprised when you let someone else drive the bus that you’ll end up in a different destination than what you thought or wanted. But hell, if you had no destination in mind at all, then anywhere is good I guess. Or is it?

The quest for purpose isn’t outside of you, it’s inside of you. Your purpose is for you to find out, it’s your’s to discover. Your purpose will most likely be different from mine.

Keep this one in mind at all times: You are not “lost.” You don’t need to “find yourself.” You are here! Yours isn’t to find yourself, it’s to CREATE YOURSELF. You create your purpose. You create it now, inside you. You create it everyday.

Men are the creators. Men are the builders. Men have built the empires. Men created the technology that we use. You as a man are the creator, the builder. Create your purpose, create your reality. Figure out what it is that you want, figure out what it is that you desire, then GO DO IT.

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