Visions Of Your Future

crystal ball in hands
Gaze Into My Crystal Ball…

Something happened a couple of days ago that jarred my memory, yet again, and made me think of something that someone told me. I really wish I could remember who it was that told me what I’m about to tell you, I want to give credit where credit is due, but alas, I can’t remember who it was. Oh well, suffice it to say, it was something that I heard from someone back in high school.

What this guy told was so profound, and so true, that I would say it’s damn near prophetic. What I’m about to tell you Men, if you heed it and understand it, you will literally be able to see into the future. I’m not kidding.

Here’s the prophecy:

The girl you are with now? Want to know what she will look like in ten years? Look at her mother.

Like I said, I remember hearing this when I was a young lad back in high school. For some strange reason it stuck in my head, to this very day.

I remember the first time I thought about this little gem, I was eighteen and was dating a sixteen year old girl. She was sexy, cute, funny, and yes, she had a gorgeous body. She was my first “real” girlfriend, and she was my first sexual experience. She also ended up being my oneitis.

I remember one day while I was sitting with her, I looked over at her mother. Out of shape, fat, all sorts of health problems. It was all there. I remember thinking to myself, “god I hope that doesn’t happen to my girl.”

Fast forward 25 years…

I ran into that old girlfriend in 2015, not too long after I got divorced. We got caught up on each other’s lives. And guess what?

She turned out looking exactly like her mother.

Let’s move on to more recent times shall we?

My ex-wife had two girls from her first marriage. Those girls lived with their father. When I met and married my ex-wife, these girls were teenagers. The oldest one was 16 when I met her and she had just received her drivers license. She would come around occasionally to show off her driving skills and her car that she busted her ass to earn. She looked almost exactly like her mother. By that I mean facially. Her eyes, nose, teeth, smile, hair color, all of it. It was so uncanny because her father was literally not in her, at least not physically. She was definitely her mother’s daughter. If either she had been older, or her mother been younger, they could have passed off as sisters instead of mother and daughter. They could have almost been identical twins.

The years go by, I get divorced, and I haven’t talked to my ex-wife in a few years, and the same could be said about her daughters. Well, just a couple of months ago, the oldest daughter contacted me on Facebook. I have nothing against her. What happened between me and her mother had nothing to do with her, so we chatted for about an hour or so. I learned that she was in the military, had been married and divorced twice, and had two children of her own. Two girls. If memory serves me correctly, she’s either 28 now or 29.

I saw pictures of her on Facebook the other day. Not just headshots, but full body shots. Can you guess who she looks like now?

If you said her mother, you would be absolutely correct.

When I looked at her, it was like seeing what her mother looked like when she would have been 28 or 29. It was so eerie that it gave me goosebumps. Not only the physicality, yes the oldest daughter has put on a bunch of weight, just like her mother, but even the amount of tattoos. She almost as tatted up as her mother.

You need to understand something.

The oldest daughter and her mother had a falling out about a year before I filed for divorce. They hadn’t spoke in a long time. The oldest hadn’t seen her mother in years until she got her drivers license. There’s a lot of history and details going on here that I’m not going to go into. Suffice it to say, there’s issues between mom and the oldest. When the oldest and I talked not too long ago, she asked me if I had talked to my ex, her mother. I told her I hadn’t talked to her in almost three years. She said that it had been almost as long for her.

Their issues are so bad and run so deep, my ex-wife, her mother, hasn’t even seen or met her grandchildren. She knows of them, she knows they exist, but she hasn’t met them or talked to them or held them in her arms. She literally knows nothing about them. And that’s the way that the oldest daughter wants to keep it.

When I was back in college studying psychology, the big emphasis was the Nurture side of things in the equation of Nature vs Nurture. Nature was acknowledged, but was more or less summarily dismissed as not being as important as Nurture.

When I saw those photos the other day, when it gave me chills, it’s because Nature was showing up. I can’t scientifically prove it beyond a reasonable doubt, but I know what I saw and I know what I know.

The oldest is going down the exact same road as her mother. Same mistakes in men. Same mistakes in marriage. Same mistakes in body modification. She even has the same temperment, outlook on life, and mannerisms as her mother. And yet she hardly knows her mother. She barely interacted with her mother growing up. Her mom and dad got divorced when she was young, like 7 or 8, and her mother had little interaction with her after the divorce.

She has the same tonality as her mother. She even uses phrases that her mother used. And she never heard her mother say them.

History repeats itself indeed.

Guys, want to know what your girl is going to look like in ten years? Look at her mother.

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Regrets And Opportunities

black and white man young lonely

I have to start with a couple of stories before I get to my point. I would imagine that by the time I get to my point, you, Dear Reader, will have gotten the point. Let’s get going shall we?

Back in 2004 I met a woman online. This was before “swipe apps” and dating sites were really just starting to become a thing. If my memory serves me correctly, I met this woman on MySpace.

She and I begin a dialogue, which turns to checking out each others pictures, which turns into both of us sending each other more recent pictures, which turns into flirty texting, which turns into phone calls, which turns into Skype calls, which turns into both of us deciding to meet in Vegas for a weekend getaway.

This woman lived in Seattle and I lived and still currently live, in Salt Lake City. We both figured that Vegas would be a good “middle ground” and would also be neutral territory. Besides, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?

Fun thing happened when I went to get on the airplane to go to Vegas. She was already on the flight. Her flight from Seattle had a layover in Salt Lake, and was my flight as well. So there we both were.

It definitely made it easier logistically. Now neither one of us was going to arrive before the other. There was no need to contact the other person to find out where they were at, figure where to meet them, so on and so forth.

It was a great weekend to be sure.

Now, let’s fast forward a little bit. This woman and I continued our “romance” for about another 3 or 4 months. She ended up catching a flight to Salt Lake and stayed with me for a weekend, and I ultimately did the same thing and ended up spending a weekend in Seattle. I’ve never been to Seattle before my visit with her, it’s a beautiful city.

So now let’s fast forward to 2005. Seattle gal is a thing of the past, and enter Delaware Woman. Meeting her was pretty much the same thing as Seattle gal, so I’ll not bore you with those details. I believe it was in August, September, or maybe October of 2005 that I caught a flight to Delaware to meet this particular woman. Delaware is beautiful as well, and up to that time, I had never been there before either.

What I remember most about both of those amazing women (besides personal details and intimacies that I’m not going to share with you) is travelling around with them and the travelling I did to get to them.

Could I have met women closer to me? Of course. In fact, I was doing that as well as pursuing these two women. Just because these women were in completely different states from me wasn’t a reason that I couldn’t meet them.

I wasn’t kidding myself and they were not kidding themselves as to the status of our respective “relationships.” I wasn’t going to uproot and move either to Seattle or Delaware, and they weren’t going to uproot and come live in Utah. But that wasn’t going to stop us from having adventures.

Here’s my point:

I don’t regret meeting these two wonderful women. If I had to do it all over again, I would do it in a heart beat. I don’t regret that it took longer to meet them than if they had lived closer to me. I don’t regret the money that I spent to get to them.

The things that I do regret are the chances that I never took. The opportunities that I have missed out on because of hesitation or fear. Those are my regrets.

I don’t regret getting married in 2009 only to get divorced in 2015. I don’t regret that that particular relationship was the hardest relationship that I’ve had to date. Yes, marriage and relationships can be work, but when it’s fairly constant work, there’s more going on there than at first glance.

I don’t regret dating a woman who is twenty years younger than me. You would be surprised to find out just how much we had in common despite our age difference.

I don’t regret that I’m single again. There’s things that I am doing now that I would have not had the time, the energy, or the motivation to do those things if I was in a relationship.

I don’t regret that I told my Mother goodbye hours before she died. We both knew it was coming and inevitable. We both said what needed to be said to each other.

I only regret a few things.

I regret that I never went up and talked to a woman that I knew in school. Her name was Suzanne. She was stunning. She had the most piercing blue eyes that I have ever seen. I wish that I had had the balls and just gone up and talked to her and asked her out. Even if she had blown me out and told me no, that would have been okay. At least I would have known.

I regret that I never kissed another woman named Shannon. The worst part of that one is the fact that I knew, I fucking knew, she was in to me. She told me she was. And like a complete dumbass, I did nothing with that information. I was too chickenshit at the time.

You might see a pattern here. It has to do with women. I don’t regret the jobs I did or didn’t take. I don’t regret the money that I have or haven’t spent. I don’t regret the stuff I did or didn’t buy.

I regret not taking the chances with these women when I could have, and the opportunities that I have missed out on. I regret not knowing what kind of memories I could have made with them. I regret not knowing who and what those people were about. That’s what I regret. All because of fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of not doing it “right.” Fear of failure. And even in some cases, fear of success.

When it’s your turn to die, when you are lying on your deathbed, what are you going to regret? I know I won’t regret not spending more time at the office doing someone else’s work to make them more money. I won’t regret taking the chance on approaching and meeting someone new, and they aren’t interested in what I’m offering them. At least there, I’ll know. And if it doesn’t work out the way that I had wanted it to? Oh well, things don’t always go the way you wanted them to, but at least I tried.

And for that, I have no regrets.

P.S. If another opportunity presents itself, and I have to hop onboard another airplane to fly to another part of the country, or another part of the world to meet someone new and see what that’s like, what do you think I’ll do?

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Jekyll And Hyde

adult anger art black background

I find it interesting the common themes that show up in our lives. Take stories and movies for example.

I’ve always been drawn to stories that deal with the “duality” of man.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

Black Swan. (Have you seen Natalie Portman in this one? She’s still a woman I would like to bang. Oops, got off-track here. Nevermind, move along.)

Yin and Yang.

God and Satan.

Light and Dark.

Good and Evil.

I’m sure I’ll catch hell from the purists by mentioning God and the Devil, or Good and Evil. Relax guys, I’m talking about themes here, not absolutes and not literals. Take it easy, don’t get yourselves all riled up, it’s all good. As the great and venerable Obi-Wan Kenobi once said, “Move along.” Yes, let’s move along shall we?

Even elements from Star Wars, most notably the idea of the Force has that element of duality in some ways, at least in the original trilogy. Moving on into the Expanded Universe though, we broaden our concepts of the Force. What really turned me on with this one wasn’t the concept that there is a “light” and “dark side” of the Force, just that there is the Force, and it’s all about the intent of the person who “taps” into it. The Force just IS. It’s all about how you as the “user” of the Force that “makes” it “light” or “dark.”

Much like we are as people. For many years, I’ve run around with the “light worker” community. These are the “love and light” crowd that talk about chakras, astrological signs, and seem to have an affinity and an obsession with crystals and rocks. That somehow, someway, this or that rock or crystal can affect your “energy” or your “vibe.” That and smoking pot. Seemed like there was a lot of that going on as well.

I always felt like an outsider with this crowd even though they accepted me with open arms and open hearts. For some reason, I’ve always considered them, for the most part, to be soft. Like lambs. Trusting and even naive. I always felt like a fox in the henhouse with the majority of this crowd. I felt like a lion, lying down with the lambs.

Denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.

It was kind of funny, but mostly sad to see many of these people worrying about their “frequency,” whether it was “higher” or “lower” than the next person’s. Man these people knew how to beat themselves up about having “baser” desires.

I don’t have a problem with my “baser” desires. I’ve learned to accept them a long time ago. Sure, I felt guilty about some of them for a time, but it had nothing to do with my “frequency.” More it was conditioning and shaming from society at large about what I wanted.

I don’t have a problem with being a Corruptor, as my Mother once called me. It’s just one faucet of many that make up who I am. I’m okay with that. Nothing wrong with it in fact.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to fuck a beautiful woman. There’s nothing wrong with looking and flirting with them either. There’s nothing wrong with anger. It can be a most powerful emotion that can be channeled into getting things done.

Same can be said for sadness. Or envy. Or jealousy even.

The Seven Deadly Sins? What’s inherently wrong with them by themselves? Nothing that I can see. Greed just means wanting more than you already have. Just don’t let it rule you and become an obsession. Same can be said for sloth. What’s inherently wrong with being lazy and wanting to lie around? Oh that’s right, lying around in bed leads to lust. Can’t have that. Not in today’s day and age apparently. If you have lust, you are a degenerate. At least according to one section of Twitter that I see and hear from on a regular basis.

Hedonism and Puritanism are still alive and well today. Nothing has changed much that I can see. Except for maybe the volume got turned up and the clothing style has changed compared to the days of yore.

We all are Jekyll and Hyde, rolled up in one fantastic, fucked up, package.

Some want to embrace their “Jekyll,” some want to embrace their “Hyde.” Embrace them both. Nothing wrong with either of them.

Like the Force, there is no “light” or “dark” it just IS. It’s up to you. It’s your intention. It’s what you do with it. Own it either way.

Another example that just came to me as I’m writing this is the Rational and Logical vs the Emotional.

Too much rational and you can’t actually relate to anyone. You end up either a robot or a ‘sperg. Too much emotional and you go whatever way the wind is blowing, you have little to no self control. Everything is a big deal. Everything is so serious. “Why so serious?” Come to think of it, think about Star Trek. You’ve got the logical Mr. Spock and the emotional Bones. Somewhere in the middle, you have Captain Kirk. He got pissed off on occasion and then some Klingons had to die, but he also knew when and how to keep his cool too.

I’ve done the Machine. I’ve also fed off of my own emotions. Nothing quite like it either, feeding off of one’s own emotions. Nothing like feeding off of other people’s emotions too. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Go join a crowd at a concert or some sort of rally where emotions are running high, see if you don’t get caught up in it.

It’s okay to be both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Embrace your “higher” and your “lower” self. Embrace both the light and the dark. Enjoy your life either way.

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