Tag: insomnia

Insomnia

Rob Says1 Comment

man in blue and brown plaid dress shirt touching his hair

It’s 1am in the morning as I write this. I went to bed early, around 9pm, promptly fell asleep, and then woke up at 11pm.

And now I’m wide awake. After tossing and turning for 2 hours, I decided to hell with it, I’m getting up and doing something. Maybe after I write this, I’ll be able to go back to bed and get back to sleep. If not, the rest of this day is going to be a long day.

I’ve got so many things on my mind right now, it’s a tornado inside my head. The crazy thing is, I can’t seem to really pin any of these thoughts down for very long, if at all. I’m gonna try and pin a couple of them down though. Forgive my “stream of consciousness.”

I’ve got some concerns over finances. The registration on the car is coming up by the end of the month, and of course property taxes are just around the corner. I’ve got excitement for my upcoming trip to visit with Vince, TJ, Aaron, and anyone else who decides to show up. I want to get the motorcycle out and do some rides before the weather turns to shit. I’m excited for an event that’s coming up in late October.

And then there’s my Mom. It’s been almost a year since she died. September 17th will be one whole year. Where has the time gone? In some ways, it feels like it was only yesterday that she died. In other ways, it feels like it’s been an eternity. Some days I can still hear her voice very clearly, almost like she is in the next room. Other days, like right now, I barely remember what she sounded like. As of right now, I still haven’t been to the cemetary to visit her grave.

My Dad asked me about that a little while ago. He’s been up to the cemetary to visit her grave and make sure that it looks nice. You know, make sure there isn’t garbage on her spot. Make sure there isn’t any weeds or other nonsense going on around her grave. He told me it’s been well taken care of and it looks nice. I guess the guys who carved the headstone did a really good job.

But I haven’t been there yet. And honestly I have no desire to go there. I’m sure I’m avoiding something here. I know she’s gone and I’m as good with that as I’ll ever be. Maybe seeing her grave will “break something loose.” Maybe not. Maybe it will be no big deal. Just another headstone in another cemetary.

In my current state, you’ll have to pardon me if I don’t remember if I posted about what I’m about to say or not:

People who dwell in the past tend towards depression. People who dwell in the future tend towards anxiety. This isn’t a medical or psychological diagnosis I’m making here, just an observation. Most of the people that I’ve encountered throughout my life that either dwelled on the past or the future ended up either depressed or anxious most of the time.

When I think about how I do “my thing,” I tend to focus pretty much on the present with some jumps into the future. I’ve never been one to dwell on the past. The past is the past right? You can’t change it and you can’t go back to it, so why dwell on it? I think a lot of sentimentality is created from dwelling on the past, for better or for worse. I guess that’s why I’m not much of a sentimental guy. I guess that’s why I’m not too bothered about things like old family photos or the lack of them.

I’ve started a couple of “relationships” with a couple different women at the moment. These relationships have a shelf life, they have an expiration date. I don’t know when they will expire, but I’m sure they will. I’m not seeking anything long term and my expectations are low. In fact, I don’t have any expectations of these women except that if they are going to show up, we’ll enjoy each other’s company until it’s time for one of us to go home. Maybe we’ll see each other for several days, weeks, months, or even years. I highly doubt it, but hey, stranger things have happened. If they walk tomorrow, that’s okay. I have enjoyed myself fully while I was with them and while I was around them. I accept them for who and what they are. I don’t dig deep into their going’s on, other than scheduling the next time that we will get together. Their lives are their own. Their circuses and their monkeys are theirs, not mine.

That’s living in the present to me. Come and be around me, but if you do, leave your drama at home. Don’t bring it to my doorstep please.

Have you guys ever had insomnia? You still dealing with it? What has worked for you? Tell me in the comments, or shoot me an email.

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Lack Of Sleep

Rob Says8 Comments

white bed linen

I’ve been sleeping terribly for some time now. The weekdays aren’t so bad, I pretty much force myself to go to bed and get to sleep, working and driving around in a large truck does wonders for that, but the weekends…

Like in the movie Fight Club, Edward Norton’s character is suffering from insomnia, and he says it’s like having “a copy of a copy of a copy.” It really does feel like that sometimes.

I can go to bed at 9:00pm only to lie there for hours on end. 2 or 3 o’clock rolls around and before you know it, either the alarm goes off and it’s time to get up, or the sun is coming up and it’s time to get up.

I sometimes nap a little bit throughout the day, at least on the weekends, maybe 15 minutes here and 20 minutes there, but I wake up feeling mostly like I did when I fell asleep. Like a copy of a copy of a copy.

Sometimes the day goes by quickly, and it’s like, “Damn! Where did the time go?” Other times the day can’t get over soon enough. Today, at least at the time that I’m writing this, can’t end soon enough.

On a positive note, my focus is slowly, but purposefully, coming back. I’m actually able to read several pages, if not an entire chapter in whatever book I’m reading at the moment. That’s a significant improvement over the last few months where doing a paragraph or even a few sentences was a major accomplishment.

I’m still too easily distracted though, much more than I used to be. Being easily distracted is almost, or maybe even worse, than having insomnia. At least for me. Not being able to sleep, but being able to focus? Man, I can get some shit done. Not being able to sleep and also not having any focus? That’s the worst. Too tired to focus, too distracted to retain anything, and exhausted all at the same time.

A copy of a copy of a copy.

Anyways this will pass. I’m sure it will. Things have been gradually getting better, so I can’t imagine that this “distractedness” and my insomnia can last for too much longer. God I hope not.

On another positive note, my lack of sleep has pretty much given me a lot of time to do other things, like writing. It’s soothing to hear the sound of the keyboard clicking, and it’s almost meditative to put my thoughts to “paper” so to speak.

It definitely allows me to create more content. Although I question the quality of said content from time to time. Even this post itself, I question the quality of it. Is it really something that you, Dear Reader, are going to get some value from? Only you can decide that I guess.

I even wonder if this particular post will see the light of day. You have no idea how many things I have started to write about, only to send to the trash pile, wiped into oblivion. Or sometimes I complete something, only to have it sit in limbo in a draft state indefinitely. Sometimes the post is worthwhile, but I haven’t finished it yet, other times it’s actually finished, but I’m ambivalent about sharing it with the world.

Does it really need to see the light of day? Just because I wrote it doesn’t mean everyone needs or wants to see it I guess.

I’m getting sleepy now. I have learned to listen to that when it happens, so I’m calling it quits for this post.

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