State Of Men Today With An Update

Rob Says6 Comments

silhouette of man during nighttime

A while back, I wrote about some observations that I had made about Men today, and apparently I’m not the only Man to notice other Men having this same lost look of confusion. While I was at a loss to this “What the fuck? How did I get here?” state, one of my new follows, MJ, has broken it down into how Men have got here and what they can do about it.

The truth is you got there slowly as she broke you down….Somewhere along the way you went from that carefree guy having a good time to being her pack mule.  Carrying the load.  Likely not getting laid like it said in the shiny LTR brochure you were shown.

Ain’t that the fucking truth. It’s the Death by 1000 Concessions.

I’m going to tell you how to avoid that empty look.  First, choose wisely when selecting a LTR mate….

The most important way to avoid this hell is to be upfront about what you bring to the table, and what you expect…

Show her you are willing to face her fury.  Hold strong in the whirlwind she stirs thinking it will result in you backing down when she demands something. (Bold and emphasis is mine.)

MJ goes on in his article, which is a fantastic read. You should go check it out. Like immediately. The Man has been married for quite some time and because of that, he’s more of an “authority” on this particular subject matter than me.

MJ got me to do some introspection, and when I think back to my marriage, I was that guy who had the “How the fuck did I get here” stare. I really was that guy. One of the ways that I got there was the Death of 1000 Concessions. I wouldn’t “face her fury” as MJ describes it. I would go along to get along in order to have some peace and quiet. I wanted tranquility. What it got me was “compromises.”

Compromises in the form of she, the ex-wife, wanting something, me not wanting whatever it was, a fight breaking out, or her nagging me until she wore me down, and her getting what she wanted. That’s what she called a compromise. She wanted a dog, I didn’t want a dog. We “compromised” and got a dog. She wanted a tablet, I didn’t think she needed a tablet (trust me, she didn’t need it.) We “compromised” and she got a tablet.

I’m not blaming her for any of this. This was totally on me. I didn’t necessarily create this particular “monster,” but I enabled it and endorsed it because I allowed it and wanted peace and harmony over conflict. And who wouldn’t want peace and harmony over conflict? Point is though, not all conflict is bad, and even when it is, you have to stand up and face it. Sometimes you do have to be the asshole and say no. Sometimes you do have to be the “bad guy.” Accept it and move on. Stand your ground on the things that matter. Learn to say no. Learn to stand against her fury and her outrage. Learn to deal with her behavior and more importantly, learn to accept less shitty behavior from her. Stop rewarding her bullshit. Put the kibosh on it or be willing to walk away.

 

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10 Pieces Of Actionable Advice

Rob Says2 Comments

man in black short running on pavement road

I’ve been listening to a lot of different podcasts lately, and I’ve been watching a few different videos on YouTube when I get a chance. Honestly, I don’t nearly consume as much as I used to. Becoming a producer of content is far more gratifying and takes up far more time than consuming. You have to be active to be a producer. All you have to do to consume is click a button and sit there.

Which brings me to what the subject line of today’s post is about:

10 Pieces Of Actionable Advice:

  1. Get and stay focused. Stay on task for more than a few minutes. I know that’s hard for you in today’s day and age of dopamine hits and instant gratification, but if you want to accomplish anything, and I mean anything, in your life, you need to stay focused. Stop chasing the next dopamine hit. Watch the video for more than ten fucking seconds. Clear the fog from your ritalin addled, ADD head and stay on track.
  2. Stop asking other men to tell you what to do. This is a big one. Maybe the biggest one of all. Like I said at the beginning of this article, I’ve been listening to a lot of different podcasts lately. In one of them, the host does a Q and A session on each episode. His thoughts and his advice are great even though they are a little bit simplistic. What I noticed though is that his audience is almost entirely made of men, young men if I had to guess, and while they asked all sorts of questions across a wide range of subjects, there was a common theme to them all: “What should I do? Tell me what I should do.” If you ever want to have control over your life, if you ever want to become a leader of Men, you need to stop asking other Men what you should do. Too many men today are either completely clueless and stupid, or lazy, if I had to guess. You’re a fat piece of shit? You know what to do. Get off your ass and go for a walk. Cut down on the amount of food you consume. Eat healthier. Stop worrying about “doing it right.” Stop trying to be a perfectionist. Just fucking do it. Stop looking for someone else to hold your hand. Take a risk.
  3.  Do the work. Stop being lazy and/or entitled. Google the information yourself. Do some of the heavy lifting for once in your life. Look it up yourself. No one is your “dancing monkey,” so stop expecting them to do the work for you. Stop with the expectation that someone else will do it for you. They won’t.
  4. Stop being a perfectionist. Doing it, whatever it is, is better than not doing it, even if it isn’t perfect. When you wait until everything is “just right,” when everything is perfect, guess what happens? Nothing. You’ll never get moving. You’ll never start. You’ll never go anywhere. Why is that? Because perfect doesn’t exist except for in your head. You’ll always find some reason or excuse to not execute, to not start. Look for a reason to not do something and you’ll always find it. Always. Better to have something out there, even if it’s flawed than not have something out there at all.
  5. Stop consuming media that isn’t intended for you. Women write to and for other women, not to men. Don’t get caught up in the outrage, it’s just a distraction meant to keep you off-balance. It’s meant to cause you anxiety, distress, you name it. When that happens you can’t think straight and the usual way that we’ve been conditioned to get rid of this anxiety is to buy something. Outrage is meant get your business, nothing more. By clicking on a link, you are giving your business. You are enticed to subscribe, to sign up, to buy. The outrage is intentional in this aspect. It’s meant to get you to open up your wallet. Don’t buy into it. In the past, Men’s affairs were in the public domain while women’s affairs were in the private domain. They were separate. Now it’s all public. Stay away from media that wasn’t intended for you as a Man. The affairs of women shouldn’t concern you. Let them sort it out. Sort out your own shit.
  6. When you’ve exhausted all of your options, it’s okay to ask for help. Ask specific questions, ie. which strength training program is better for long term gains? vs. What should I do now? Do the initial work first, then ask for help when you hit a wall or get stuck.
  7. When asking for help, what do you have to give in exchange? Money? Knowledge? Labor? A skill? What value do you offer to the person you are asking the question? Their time, knowledge, and experience is valuable too.
  8. When you ask and you receive, do something with what you are given! Otherwise you are just an askhole.
  9. Manners are important. Don’t be a fuck when asking for help. Don’t demand.
  10. Stop looking for magic formulas, short cuts and hacks. There aren’t any. You have to do the work. You have to do the heavy lifting. It’s going to take time and effort. Think work in progress and think long game. Stop with the immediate gratification and dopamine hits.

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Something My Mother Once Called Me..

Rob Says6 Comments

red lighted candle

March 17th, St. Patrick’s Day was exactly 6 months to the day since my Mother died. I went over to my Dad’s house and had home-made corned beef and cabbage. He did a really good job with the corned beef. We talked about Mom for a bit. For me, some days, like that day, it felt like she had just died the day before. Other days for me, it’s like it has been years since she passed.

Not so for my Father. From what he told me, every day is like she had just died. I don’t fully comprehend it but I do think I understand what he’s getting at to a degree. You see, I knew my Mom my whole life of 46 years at the time, but I didn’t spend my whole life with her. In all honesty, the last decade or so, I limited my interactions with her because she would still try and tell me what I should do and how to live my life. I don’t have time for that shit.

My Father on the other hand, spent close to 50 years with that woman. I don’t know how he did it. He was and is, a greater Man than me. I couldn’t have done it for that long. Their relationship wasn’t exactly love falling off the apricot tree or something like that. In some ways, theirs was a relationship of convenience. Practical yes, not very romantic though. Oh I’m sure there were moments, especially when they were younger that love and romance was in the air, but time always marches on.

I’m not writing this to stroll down memory lane, at least not theirs. I’m writing it because of something my Mom said to me, about me many years ago. It’s been something that I haven’t thought about in a long, long time. Something she called me.

Allow me to humor you with a backstory first. Don’t worry Dear Reader, I’ll get to the point and hopefully quickly. I know you’ve got other articles to not read and pictures of thots and food to look at on Instagram…

So the story begins when I was back in college. I was a senior, so this was 1993-1994. My Mother had a co-worker at the time who had a daughter who was enrolling at the same college that I was attending. Now this young woman had something that not just everybody had at the time. She had a stalker. I guess this guy had been stalking her for years. She would find footprints outside her window, every time she changed her phone number, he would somehow find out what the new number was and the heavy breathing calls and whatnot would continue. I guess this shit went on for years. Now in order to hopefully circumvent this guy, she was coming to the school I was attending, but under a pseudoname. Nobody except for the Dean and the campus police knew who she actually was. Well, I knew as well because this young woman told me about this stalker and told me her real name as well as her fake name that she was traveling under.

Anyways, the mother of this young woman was a very religious woman and had led a very sheltered life. When she found out through my Mother that her daughter would be attending the same school as I was, she got all excited and had a moment of fantasy where she thought that it would be magnificent and wonderful if I and her daughter would happen to start dating, fall in love, and ultimately get married. It’s a wonderful fantasy, but a fantasy is all it was. My Mother put the brakes on that in a hurry.

“Oh Kitty, you haven’t met my son. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good kid, but he, well…He tends to corrupt people.”

I shit you not, that’s what she said to the mother of this young woman. She then came home and told me what she had said. I was like, “Gee, thanks Mom. Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“Don’t get me wrong Rob, you’re a good kid, but you do have this tendency to corrupt the people that you are around. I know you like to party on occasion, and I know that when you have guests over, you like to make them feel comfortable. You are a very good host. You never force anything on anyone, but you always ask them if they would like something. You always offer whatever is on hand, and you make it really easy to say yes to whatever it is you are doing.”

All of this is true. I do make it easy to go along with whatever it is that I’m doing. Would you like a drink? No? That’s okay. No problem. If you change your mind, just let me know okay? I’ve got one right over here for you if you want it.

How about now? Want that drink? No? No worries. Just let me know if you change your mind, I can whip you up something really yummy, really quick. It’s not a problem, honest. I used to tend bar so making drinks is my speciality. You sure you don’t want one? I’ve got this great one that is really tasty and you can’t even taste the alcohol. It’s quite the hit at the bar, I came up with it myself.

And if you don’t want it, you don’t want it, no problem, no pressure, no worries. More for me. And I let it go at that. 9 out of 10 times I would have you drinking with me within the hour.

So I was the Corruptor according to my Mom. I was good at it too. Still am. And not just with drinking. With a lot of stuff actually. But hey, if you don’t want to do it, that’s cool. No problem. Honestly I don’t give a shit if you do what I’m doing or not, I just don’t want you to feel left out is all. I just want you to enjoy yourself as much, or even more than I’m enjoying myself, and I enjoy shit a lot.

Initially when my Mom told me what she had told this young woman’s mother about me, I was a little butt hurt. Jesus, you would think that your own Mother would have good things to say about you, which in all honesty, my Mother did. She was realistic though. She was never one of those mother’s that said, “Oh my kid would never do that.” She was always of the opinion when somebody asked her if she thought I was capable of something, she was always like, “Well, I would hope I raised him better than that, but I wouldn’t say for sure that he wasn’t capable of it.”

She knew me well enough to know that I’m capable of a lot. Good, bad, and ugly.

So on March 17th, six months to the day since my Mom died, I heard her voice in my head, and it was this story about me being the Corruptor, that showed up. It brought a smile to my face and I won’t lie, it brought a couple of tears to my eyes.

I miss you Mom.

Oh, in case you were wondering:

That stalker? He got caught later that year. Turns out he was the young woman’s boss that she had been working for since she was 16 or so. Guy was married and had a young baby. He went to jail and I don’t remember if he ended up going to prison or not. He lost his marriage and custody of his child over the whole ordeal though.

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