Some time ago, I wrote about Desire. I think I covered, in some rather graphic detail, what desire means to me. Today I want to talk about one of the things that I look for in women when I meet them.

Sensuality.

For great sex, I look for someone who is sensual. I watch how she touches things. A woman who caresses everything in her life will caress me too, if that’s where we end up. How does she pet an animal? How does she touch and hold a wine glass? Does she stroke it? If so, there’s a chance she may end up stroking me too. I watch how she smooths her outfit. What type of outfit is she wearing? I’m not necessarily talking about how low cut her top is or how short her skirt is. I’m talking about the fabric itself. Is is silk or satin? Is it comfortable? Or is it scratchy? Is it pleasurable to touch it? Do I want to touch it? Not all fabrics are created equal. She’s wearing whatever she’s wearing and she’s feeling it constantly whether she’s consciously aware of it or not.

I watch how she plays with her hair. Does she stroke it? Or does she blow it out of her way? There’s no wrong answer, but context matters.

I watch how she eats her food. Does she savor it and take her time? Or does she scarf it down? There’s nothing wrong with scarfing food down. Sometimes you are just hungry. It’s all a matter of context.

Women, and people in general for that matter, will tell you a lot by the way they move their hands and what they do with them. Are they all over the place? Are they flitting around like a couple of birds? Do they touch things and linger? Does she take her time? I watch how she moves her body. Women that like their bodies move differently than women who don’t. Going back to her attire, does it cling to her, showing off her curves? Or does it hide her body? While there are plenty of body types that aren’t for me, I can appreciate a woman who appreciates and is comfortable in her own body. Her choice of clothing can reflect that. Her choice may be questionable to you because you have your own preferences, but at least she’s owning it. I can’t fault her for that.

When you hug women, notice the ones who meld into you. Notice the ones who “push back.” The ones who meld into you are inviting, the others aren’t. Women will let you know if they’re interested in you with their bodies alone. No words needed.

I tend to think that women are more sensitive to smell than men are. That’s part of good hygiene and grooming on your part. That’s a reason why I wear the colognes that I do. I have one that always gets a reaction out of women. Every time. And so far it hasn’t been a negative reaction. Does she just take a quick whiff? Does she linger close to my body? Does she inhale deeply? Does she touch me when and while she’s breathing it in? What does she say, because she always says something. More importantly, how does she say it? What’s her tone? Does she pause mid sentence? Does her voice drop? Does it rise? Does she come back for more than one whiff? A woman than enjoys scents is sensual.

What I’m describing here is what I call, “Being in your body.” When she is engaging with her senses, she’s being sensual. She’s not “in her head.” Oh sure, she’s probably still thinking and maybe she’s even having an internal dialogue with herself, but that dialogue is diminished. She’s in the moment. The same could be said of you or me. When I’m observing, I’m not “in my head.” My inner dialogue is either severely diminished, or it’s completely non-existent. When I pay attention to the “outer world,” my “inner world” becomes irrelevant.

Is she relaxed and comfortable? Is she rigid, awkward, and uncomfortable? First meetings and first approaches can always be awkward and uncomfortable. How quickly does she go from rigid to relaxed? How quick does she go to laughter? Is it a nervous laugh? Or is it a deep belly laugh? Nervous laughter isn’t a bad thing, or it can be. It depends on other cues and the context.

Something else I’ll do is I’ll ask her what would feel pleasurable to her, what she would like. And I’ll watch her reaction, I’ll listen to her words, but more importantly, I’ll listen to her body. I’ll watch and listen to her actions. Did she blush? Is that a flush? Was that a nervous giggle? Did she just bite her lip? Or did she just stare at me? Staring isn’t a bad thing. It’s how she stares. Did she raise an eyebrow and look like she just smelled a fart? Did she look perplexed? Is she looking at me like I just sprouted a third arm? Is she doing a “Error 404, Page Not Found?” Or did her pupils dilate and she stopped blinking for a moment? Did her breathing suddenly stop? Did it slow down? Did it speed up and become shallow? These can all mean different things in different contexts.

How easy and comfortable is she with doing something that you ask her to do?

“Hey there! Nice to meet you. Turn around real quick for me.” Does she?

“Here, take my hand.” I say as I extend my hand to her. Does she?

Even better is when I just extend my hand without saying a word and she just takes it.

I always “assume the sale.” It’s always a “yes” until it’s a “no.”

When I extend my hand to her and she accepts it, does she automatically intertwine her fingers with mine? Or does she hold my palm? Does she hold my hand loose and limp? Does she “hold on for dear life?” Does she give my hand a squeeze or a “pump?” Do her fingers do a quick caress on the back of my hand? All of these things mean something. All of these things are different depending on the context and the moment.

What kind of music does she prefer? If she’s primarily into sensual music, she’s sensual. It doesn’t matter the genre so much, other than maybe rap. I haven’t met a woman who’s heavy into rap that is really sensual. Don’t get me wrong, I like rap to a major degree, but there’s very few songs and artists that I would call sensual. Then again, if you’re all about a bullshit-free seduction, a woman who is seriously into rap may be the way to go. If you’re into intensity over sensuality, this is the way.

I have a very distinctive voice. Personally, I’m not the biggest advocate for my voice as I find it high pitched and nasally. But the women who have showed up for me and have stuck around for any period of time love my voice. They love hearing me talk. They love what I say, and more importantly, they love how I say it. Tonality matters. While I’m not the greatest public speaker, and Barry White is in no jeopardy of me taking his crown, I hit them where it matters I guess. I speak sensually when I talk to women, and if she’s sensual, she’ll pick up on it and appreciate it. It’s funny, my Readers who also happen to follow me on Youtube get the blunt, no bullshit guy. And while I can be brutally honest with women as well, I tend to speak differently to them compared to how I would speak to a man. Then again, I tend to go more “Mode One” with women than not, and while it can blow me out of the water, more often than not the women find it honest and refreshing.

I’ve met women on a first meeting, offered my hand with barely a word, had them accept, and then twirled them around as if we are dancing to a tune that no one can hear but us. Their belly laugh of shock and surprise was gratifying. You don’t know what you can do and you don’t know what you’re capable of, until you do it.

You don’t know how willing she will be until you take a chance and find out.

Here’s the thing for those of you are new, or for those of you who haven’t figured it out by now:

I’m non-monogamous. I’m not looking to get married again. Ever. At this point, I’m not looking for cohabitation. I’m open to something “long term,” but can we leave monogamy at the door? I like variety, I like new. I’m always looking for something “extra.” Whether that extra ends up as a one night stand, or she becomes a significant part of my life, I’m always looking for more.

No one woman can fulfill all of my wants, needs, and desires. Nor can I be the only man to fulfill all of hers. There’s things that I can’t and don’t want to do. The belly dancer doesn’t fulfill all of my wants, needs, and desires, and I don’t fulfill all of hers. That’s some serious expectations if you ask me. That’s “covert contracts.” So why not non-monogamy? I wrote about the price of admission a while ago, and it hasn’t changed one iota. When you choose a life of non-exclusivity or non-monogamy, your dating and sex life will become a revolving door. Women will come and go. Sometimes they come back. Just like in the screenshot that I posted above. And then they go again, with or without warning. “Velvet” is “gone” again. Will she come back for round 3? Who knows? Maybe. Then again, I told her during the second round, that there wouldn’t be a third round. That’s because I know her bullshit and I’m not about history repeating itself too many goddamn times. Then again, the sex with her was pretty damn good. So if she’s down to fuck, why not? But that’ll be all it’ll be.

The point is, I choose a lifestyle over a woman. I like how it works for me and I’m fine with paying the price of admission. Life is short and temporary. There’s no guarantees, and we all die alone at the end. I’ve met plenty of women who were “looking for something serious” only to show back up a month later. Just like in the screenshot above. That’s why I say, “There’s always another woman.” That is why, “The Song Remains The Same, Only The Names Have Changed.” Maybe as I’m lying on my deathbed, I’ll reconsider what I have done, and realize that it was all for naught, and you can all say, “I told you so!” But I highly doubt it.

The only time there isn’t another woman is if you decide to quit or when you die. That’s it. Other than that, the sky is the limit.

Do I get lonely sometimes? Sure. But I have never felt so alone as when I was married. I chose the wrong woman for the wrong reasons and I won’t do that again. I realised who I was and what I wanted. I’m okay with a “revolving door.” I’m okay that women walk in and out of my life. I’m still here. And almost all of them are welcome back if they so desire. I’m not going to give up the lifestyle for any one of them until I decide to. That’s my choice, and I’m open to it, but it’s on my terms. I have been through worse than a woman leaving. Much worse. I’ll find another one in short order.

When I was in my 20’s an older woman asked me, “What are you looking for?”

I said, “Love.”

She said, “Oh honey, you can go around the block and find love.”

Back then I didn’t know what she meant. I understand what she meant now, and that’s because I’m close to the same age she was when she told me that. There is No One, as Rollo has said, and it’s true. That doesn’t mean that you can’t find someone to “grow old with,” but stop looking for your “soulmate.” They don’t exist and they never did.

When I look at most monogamous relationships, what I usually see is two people living a life of quiet desperation. Neither one of them are attracted to each other anymore, for whatever reason. Most of them are settling for each other because they don’t want to “die alone.” They tolerate each other at best. While they may look at each other and say, “I like them,” they aren’t “into” each other. I don’t want that. I would rather choose a “revolving door” instead of a life of quiet desperation. I would rather she be “into me” until she isn’t, or I her, than being roommates. I would rather live alone and be good with myself and my life than living with someone else who barely tolerates me, or I barely tolerate them.

Been there, done that.