Some time ago, I wrote about Desire. I think I covered, in some rather graphic detail, what desire means to me. Today I want to talk about one of the things that I look for in women when I meet them.

Sensuality.

For great sex, I look for someone who is sensual. I watch how she touches things. A woman who caresses everything in her life will caress me too, if that’s where we end up. How does she pet an animal? How does she touch and hold a wine glass? Does she stroke it? If so, there’s a chance she may end up stroking me too. I watch how she smooths her outfit. What type of outfit is she wearing? I’m not necessarily talking about how low cut her top is or how short her skirt is. I’m talking about the fabric itself. Is is silk or satin? Is it comfortable? Or is it scratchy? Is it pleasurable to touch it? Do I want to touch it? Not all fabrics are created equal. She’s wearing whatever she’s wearing and she’s feeling it constantly whether she’s consciously aware of it or not.

I watch how she plays with her hair. Does she stroke it? Or does she blow it out of her way? There’s no wrong answer, but context matters.

I watch how she eats her food. Does she savor it and take her time? Or does she scarf it down? There’s nothing wrong with scarfing food down. Sometimes you are just hungry. It’s all a matter of context.

Women, and people in general for that matter, will tell you a lot by the way they move their hands and what they do with them. Are they all over the place? Are they flitting around like a couple of birds? Do they touch things and linger? Does she take her time? I watch how she moves her body. Women that like their bodies move differently than women who don’t. Going back to her attire, does it cling to her, showing off her curves? Or does it hide her body? While there are plenty of body types that aren’t for me, I can appreciate a woman who appreciates and is comfortable in her own body. Her choice of clothing can reflect that. Her choice may be questionable to you because you have your own preferences, but at least she’s owning it. I can’t fault her for that.

When you hug women, notice the ones who meld into you. Notice the ones who “push back.” The ones who meld into you are inviting, the others aren’t. Women will let you know if they’re interested in you with their bodies alone. No words needed.

I tend to think that women are more sensitive to smell than men are. That’s part of good hygiene and grooming on your part. That’s a reason why I wear the colognes that I do. I have one that always gets a reaction out of women. Every time. And so far it hasn’t been a negative reaction. Does she just take a quick whiff? Does she linger close to my body? Does she inhale deeply? Does she touch me when and while she’s breathing it in? What does she say, because she always says something. More importantly, how does she say it? What’s her tone? Does she pause mid sentence? Does her voice drop? Does it rise? Does she come back for more than one whiff? A woman than enjoys scents is sensual.

What I’m describing here is what I call, “Being in your body.” When she is engaging with her senses, she’s being sensual. She’s not “in her head.” Oh sure, she’s probably still thinking and maybe she’s even having an internal dialogue with herself, but that dialogue is diminished. She’s in the moment. The same could be said of you or me. When I’m observing, I’m not “in my head.” My inner dialogue is either severely diminished, or it’s completely non-existent. When I pay attention to the “outer world,” my “inner world” becomes irrelevant.

Is she relaxed and comfortable? Is she rigid, awkward, and uncomfortable? First meetings and first approaches can always be awkward and uncomfortable. How quickly does she go from rigid to relaxed? How quick does she go to laughter? Is it a nervous laugh? Or is it a deep belly laugh? Nervous laughter isn’t a bad thing, or it can be. It depends on other cues and the context.

Something else I’ll do is I’ll ask her what would feel pleasurable to her, what she would like. And I’ll watch her reaction, I’ll listen to her words, but more importantly, I’ll listen to her body. I’ll watch and listen to her actions. Did she blush? Is that a flush? Was that a nervous giggle? Did she just bite her lip? Or did she just stare at me? Staring isn’t a bad thing. It’s how she stares. Did she raise an eyebrow and look like she just smelled a fart? Did she look perplexed? Is she looking at me like I just sprouted a third arm? Is she doing a “Error 404, Page Not Found?” Or did her pupils dilate and she stopped blinking for a moment? Did her breathing suddenly stop? Did it slow down? Did it speed up and become shallow? These can all mean different things in different contexts.

How easy and comfortable is she with doing something that you ask her to do?

“Hey there! Nice to meet you. Turn around real quick for me.” Does she?

“Here, take my hand.” I say as I extend my hand to her. Does she?

Even better is when I just extend my hand without saying a word and she just takes it.

I always “assume the sale.” It’s always a “yes” until it’s a “no.”

When I extend my hand to her and she accepts it, does she automatically intertwine her fingers with mine? Or does she hold my palm? Does she hold my hand loose and limp? Does she “hold on for dear life?” Does she give my hand a squeeze or a “pump?” Do her fingers do a quick caress on the back of my hand? All of these things mean something. All of these things are different depending on the context and the moment.

What kind of music does she prefer? If she’s primarily into sensual music, she’s sensual. It doesn’t matter the genre so much, other than maybe rap. I haven’t met a woman who’s heavy into rap that is really sensual. Don’t get me wrong, I like rap to a major degree, but there’s very few songs and artists that I would call sensual. Then again, if you’re all about a bullshit-free seduction, a woman who is seriously into rap may be the way to go. If you’re into intensity over sensuality, this is the way.

I have a very distinctive voice. Personally, I’m not the biggest advocate for my voice as I find it high pitched and nasally. But the women who have showed up for me and have stuck around for any period of time love my voice. They love hearing me talk. They love what I say, and more importantly, they love how I say it. Tonality matters. While I’m not the greatest public speaker, and Barry White is in no jeopardy of me taking his crown, I hit them where it matters I guess. I speak sensually when I talk to women, and if she’s sensual, she’ll pick up on it and appreciate it. It’s funny, my Readers who also happen to follow me on Youtube get the blunt, no bullshit guy. And while I can be brutally honest with women as well, I tend to speak differently to them compared to how I would speak to a man. Then again, I tend to go more “Mode One” with women than not, and while it can blow me out of the water, more often than not the women find it honest and refreshing.

I’ve met women on a first meeting, offered my hand with barely a word, had them accept, and then twirled them around as if we are dancing to a tune that no one can hear but us. Their belly laugh of shock and surprise was gratifying. You don’t know what you can do and you don’t know what you’re capable of, until you do it.

You don’t know how willing she will be until you take a chance and find out.

Here’s the thing for those of you are new, or for those of you who haven’t figured it out by now:

I’m non-monogamous. I’m not looking to get married again. Ever. At this point, I’m not looking for cohabitation. I’m open to something “long term,” but can we leave monogamy at the door? I like variety, I like new. I’m always looking for something “extra.” Whether that extra ends up as a one night stand, or she becomes a significant part of my life, I’m always looking for more.

No one woman can fulfill all of my wants, needs, and desires. Nor can I be the only man to fulfill all of hers. There’s things that I can’t and don’t want to do. The belly dancer doesn’t fulfill all of my wants, needs, and desires, and I don’t fulfill all of hers. That’s some serious expectations if you ask me. That’s “covert contracts.” So why not non-monogamy? I wrote about the price of admission a while ago, and it hasn’t changed one iota. When you choose a life of non-exclusivity or non-monogamy, your dating and sex life will become a revolving door. Women will come and go. Sometimes they come back. Just like in the screenshot that I posted above. And then they go again, with or without warning. “Velvet” is “gone” again. Will she come back for round 3? Who knows? Maybe. Then again, I told her during the second round, that there wouldn’t be a third round. That’s because I know her bullshit and I’m not about history repeating itself too many goddamn times. Then again, the sex with her was pretty damn good. So if she’s down to fuck, why not? But that’ll be all it’ll be.

The point is, I choose a lifestyle over a woman. I like how it works for me and I’m fine with paying the price of admission. Life is short and temporary. There’s no guarantees, and we all die alone at the end. I’ve met plenty of women who were “looking for something serious” only to show back up a month later. Just like in the screenshot above. That’s why I say, “There’s always another woman.” That is why, “The Song Remains The Same, Only The Names Have Changed.” Maybe as I’m lying on my deathbed, I’ll reconsider what I have done, and realize that it was all for naught, and you can all say, “I told you so!” But I highly doubt it.

The only time there isn’t another woman is if you decide to quit or when you die. That’s it. Other than that, the sky is the limit.

Do I get lonely sometimes? Sure. But I have never felt so alone as when I was married. I chose the wrong woman for the wrong reasons and I won’t do that again. I realised who I was and what I wanted. I’m okay with a “revolving door.” I’m okay that women walk in and out of my life. I’m still here. And almost all of them are welcome back if they so desire. I’m not going to give up the lifestyle for any one of them until I decide to. That’s my choice, and I’m open to it, but it’s on my terms. I have been through worse than a woman leaving. Much worse. I’ll find another one in short order.

When I was in my 20’s an older woman asked me, “What are you looking for?”

I said, “Love.”

She said, “Oh honey, you can go around the block and find love.”

Back then I didn’t know what she meant. I understand what she meant now, and that’s because I’m close to the same age she was when she told me that. There is No One, as Rollo has said, and it’s true. That doesn’t mean that you can’t find someone to “grow old with,” but stop looking for your “soulmate.” They don’t exist and they never did.

When I look at most monogamous relationships, what I usually see is two people living a life of quiet desperation. Neither one of them are attracted to each other anymore, for whatever reason. Most of them are settling for each other because they don’t want to “die alone.” They tolerate each other at best. While they may look at each other and say, “I like them,” they aren’t “into” each other. I don’t want that. I would rather choose a “revolving door” instead of a life of quiet desperation. I would rather she be “into me” until she isn’t, or I her, than being roommates. I would rather live alone and be good with myself and my life than living with someone else who barely tolerates me, or I barely tolerate them.

Been there, done that.

I have always been fascinated by the concept of Dread. I get what it is, and I get pretty much how you could use it in whatever relationship that you happen to be in. I’ve never had to use Dread, at least I don’t remember using Dread, and if I did, it was unconsciously.

That’s because if the offense is egregious enough, I’m willing to walk away. It doesn’t matter the time span of the relationship, if whatever happened between us was a “deal breaker,” I walked away. I’m not saying that it was always the best option, but it was THE option when the time came.

I remember at the end of my relationship with Teriyaki. Things were getting strange. She was quite a bit distant, it was becoming more difficult to see her, and the whole “thing” was “off.” That’s the only way I can describe it to you, Dear Reader.

I remember texting her one morning, and I didn’t hear back from her, until much, much later in the day. That wasn’t characteristic of her. Well, long story short, I had enough. So around her quitting time from her job, I showed up, unannounced.

I remember the look of surprise and shock on her face, she definitely didn’t see that one coming. I remember her finishing up her day and we went outside to our vehicles. I also remember chatting about nothing for a moment, and then I popped the question:

“Do you want to keep seeing me or not?”

Her answer was a pause, and then “Eh.”

That was a “no” to me. Anything but a “yes,” was a no.

So I said, “I guess we’re done here. Can I have the key to my house back?”

She gave me my key back, I gave her her house key back, and then I kissed her goodbye and told her:

“No harm, no foul. If you change your mind, you know how to reach me.”

And then I walked away, got into my car, and drove home.

When it comes to the salient points, that was that. Oh don’t get me wrong, I heard from her almost a month later, but we never did meet up or get back together. She didn’t really want me, and I had already started moving on. How do you get over a woman? Get under another one. And that’s what I did.

Also: I was prepared for whatever answer that she chose to give me. If it had been a “yes,” there was things that I would have said and done for that answer. I was also prepared if she told me “no.” I was prepared and “good” with walking away. Never ask questions that you aren’t ready to hear an answer that you may not like, because you just might hear it.

I’m bringing this up because I almost had another “Terminator Moment” a week ago.

The belly dancer and I had been talking about stuff, mostly music, via text. I had said some things that were very important to me and ultimately she said, “Look, I gotta go.” She cut me off.

I told her goodnight, feeling perplexed, and a little hurt.

By the morning, I was not only still feeling a little hurt, I was angry.

As the day went on, my anger only grew. She texted me good morning and I all but ignored it. By the afternoon though, my anger had simmered down by quite a bit. Why? Several reasons:

1. This wasn’t in character for her, it wasn’t who she was.
2. It was a “Perfect Storm.” There were other things that had happened at the time that we were texting, things I’m not going to talk about, and it couldn’t have happened at a worse time.
3. I can be emotional. I’m going to come back to this one as it is a part of the title of this post.

Later that afternoon, she wanted to see me. Needed to see me, as a matter of fact. It’s related to the stuff that I’m not going to talk about. But I went to see her. The things that had happened made me consider putting my hurt and anger on the backburner. What she was going through was more important. It could wait for another day and another time.

Except….

She asked me what was going on. She could tell that something was off. She could tell that I was distant. I initially told her it could wait for another day and time, but she wouldn’t have it, so I opened a potential “can of worms.” I didn’t care though, that’s the thing. I was willing and ready to “go there.” And if it meant that I would hand her her key back to her place and walk out of her life, I was willing to do it. So I went there.

“I thought there’s only one real deal breaker for me, and that’s deception. If I can’t trust you, there’s no point in continuing what we are doing. I realize now though, that I have another one. And that’s being made a fool of. I don’t like feeling foolish, and how things ended last night, I feel like a fool.”

I used to think that it was being “disrespected.” And it is, don’t get me wrong, but there’s disrespect, and there’s being made a fool of. Being made a fool of would fall under the umbrella of disrespect, but for me, it’s its own entity. For years I have said that being disrespected was a deal breaker, and it can be, but what I really meant is that I won’t be played for a fool.

The look of horror on her face was enough. You see, I know she wasn’t playing me for a fool. I know her character better than that. I know it was the “perfect storm,” and I know it definitely wasn’t intentional. But at the time, I was angry and I felt foolish just the same.

Which ties into the “emotional/analytical” part of the title:

I was talking to a guy just the other day, and we were “swapping notes.” Some of the things he said made me realize just how analytical he is. The questions he asked, his job, etc. That made me think of Mystery and the Mystery Method from many years ago. Most of the guys who came to Mystery to learn from him were very analytical. Engineers, computer programmers, architects. Those kind of guys. Guys who solve equations and problems. Guys who need a system and tend to look at things as a “game.” Guys who tend to take things literally, but not necessarily personally. And it made me think about how I operate.

I’m not nearly as analytical as your average bear. In fact, I would say that I’m far more emotional. What does that mean? Well, on the positive side, I think I’m far more fluent in “womanese.” I understand subtext better. I can walk in the “world of women” better than your average guy. I can empathize better and I know how to excite a woman better than most guys I know. I can adapt and improvise easily and “fly by the seat of my pants.” In fact, that’s usually my “system.” I “wing it” and go from there. I’m definitely able to “be in my body” instead of “in my head.”

On the downside, I can overreact, jump to conclusions that aren’t accurate or necessarily true, and tend to say or do things that I’ll ultimately regret later. I also have a tendency to take things personal, when in hindsight, I didn’t need to take things personal. I have a big mouth, always have. Add alcohol to that, and the “filters” tend to get “dimmed down,” or go away altogether. It’s a recipe for disaster.

Hey! Look at me analyzing my emotionalism! I’m not saying that I’m not analytical, I’m just not as analytical as the average guy who I talk to about getting laid. My analysis usually happens after-the-fact as well. Hence the open mouth, insert foot. Take it or leave it, here it is. Welcome to me, welcome to my world.

I have learned though as I have grown in years. I have learned to keep my mouth shut more often than not. I’ve learned to breathe and countdown from 10 before I open my yap. I’ve learned that booze removes those filters, so I have also learned to either abstain from drinking or to severely curtail it, especially in the company of women. I know that most things aren’t personal. And I’ve also learned where many of my boundaries are. I also know what will happen if those boundaries are crossed.

The belly dancer and I? We’re good. I said what I needed to say, she said what she needed to say, and it’s “water under the bridge.” While I know her about as well as anyone can know another person, she also knows me pretty well too. There was no need to use Dread, and there was no need to “terminate” the relationship.

Sometimes I run across accounts on Twitter that say, “Dude, just next her!” when given a certain scenario or situation. Sometimes that may in fact be the correct course of action. Sometimes though, maybe you need to shut your yap, breathe, countdown from 10, listen, and then go from there. Not everything requires a “next.”