Hello, again, my Old Friend. As I write this, it is exactly one week shy of when I had to make the most difficult decision of my life. It’s been almost exactly one year from when I had to decide to end your suffering and you had to shed your mortal coil.

I still miss you, terribly. Kabuki misses you too, still. Your absence is still felt in our home. While I don’t believe in an afterlife, and even if there was, I have no doubt that you wouldn’t understand what I am writing, and I don’t believe you would care all that much if you did, here I am writing. Not so much for you, Nermal, but for me.

It’s been a year since you’ve been gone. What has happened in that time?

Well, your mate Kabuki, is a totally different cat from when you were here. A year ago, you were her source of companionship. You were her source of love. You were her mate. Now, I’m her companion. I’m her source of love and affection.

When I came home after I took you to the vet, I told her, “It’s just you and me now, Kabuki. Help me through this, and I’ll help you.” And so we have. I’ve become her person, and she is my cat now. She is far more affectionate to me now than when you were here to provide that for her.

I’m still seeing the belly dancer. Yes, her and I are still going strong. She’s seen the change in Kabuki too. I like to think that you would be proud, that you would be happy for her and for me, for us. We’re managing. Some days, like today, are hard. Writing this is hard. Some days aren’t so bad, and some are pretty good. You are still missed though.

Kabuki has been a “stress licker” for some time, even before you died. I’ve tried changing her diet and a whole host of other things, and none of them seems to have really worked. And yet, a year later, while she still “stress licks,” she’s not as bad as she was a year ago. Her hair is growing back, mostly. She seems content and as happy as she can be, and I, in my part, have decided that I’m going to spoil her rotten. She doesn’t like “healthy” food? Fine. Junk food it is then. She’s your age now, Nermal. She’s 16. She’s not a young kitten anymore, and she’s getting on into her elder years. She’s still alive, healthy, and alert. She’s not in any kind of pain that I can see, so fuck it, if she wants junk food? Junk food it is.

She’s become far more affectionate than she was a year ago or longer. You were her source for that, I realize that fully now. So now I fill that gap as much as I can. I know it’s not the same, but it’s going to have to be good enough. I have thought about having another cat, but I can’t do it.

I can’t go through the pain I went through with you. I can’t go through the pain that I’m going to have to go through with Kabuki when it is her time. I’ll go through with it with her, because that is what I must do and I signed up for it, but I can’t keep doing it. My threshold has been reached, my cup runneth over. So there will be no other cat to help fill the void that was there and still is there after you died. I can’t do it again. I’m sorry, especially for Kabuki, but I just can’t.

I only hope that you, and ultimately her, understand that.

I just can’t.

I decided to make my home, our home, into a “smart home” after you died. I remember and know how much you liked to sneak into the garage and the back bedroom. Now I have technology in place that would alert me to motion in both places. If you were still around, I would know that you were skulking about in either place. You wouldn’t be locked in or locked out, as the case may be.

I think you would have enjoyed the lights and the ambience of all the other rooms. I think somehow that would have tickled your little brain. Of course, I would have picked you up and carried you around to sniff all the new stuff and let you check it all out. It’s what you would have wanted and practically have demanded from me. I think you would have liked it. Either way, I’ll never know for sure, but then again, I’m pretty sure that you would have liked it.

Here’s another picture of your mate, she’s doing fine, or at least as good as she can do without you.

I know Kabuki misses you. I miss you too. Take care of yourself, Nermal, and don’t forget to drop on by occasionally. We both would love your company, even if it’s just for a moment.