Here’s something I learned awhile ago, and it has made my life so much better.
Be Selective.
Be selective about who you spend time with.
There are a lot of people out there that will just waste your fucking time. Apparently, they don’t have much or anything going on in their worlds, so they will want to be in yours and waste it.
I see it all the time in my side gig.
People come to me for advice about whatever it is that is going on in their world, I give them advice based on what I see, what I know, and what I’ve experienced. What do they usually do?
Nothing.
They shoot the shit, they waste my time. There is a positive here though. They pay me for my time. I don’t do that shit for free. Trust me on this one Men, if you are going to “waste” my time, you are going to pay me for it. I’m getting something out of it.
Be selective.
Choose who you spend your time with. If you aren’t getting anything of value out of it, don’t do it.
I get value out of these blog posts with you guys. I get value out of your feedback. I get value knowing that you are getting something from this, even if it’s only a laugh.
My circle of friends has gotten smaller and smaller over the years, that’s because my tolerance and patience for bullshit is damn near zero these days.
You know what though? My quality of life has just improved over and over. The friends that are still there? They are true treasures. I wouldn’t give them up for anything. I get massive value from them. I give them massive value in return.
The time wasters either are gone entirely, or they pay me for my time. Either way I win.
Be selective what you watch and what you read. You can waste a whole bunch of time there too. Not everything you watch has value. Not every book you read has gold.
Zero Tolerance. It’s been a buzz word in the corporate world for some time.
What if you extended that into your personal world?
I was at a car show with my Dad and his buddies the other day. It was great to get out of the house and get away from everything that has been going on in my life, even if it was just for a few hours. It was great to be able to sit down, soak in the sun, drink a few beers, crack a shit ton of jokes, and listen and tell stories.
My Dad and his buddies are “baby boomers.” Almost all of them are in their mid to late 60’s or even early 70’s now. The majority of them are retired, including my Dad. The majority of them are blue collar, working/middle class guys. They’ve destroyed their bodies doing physical labor in order to make a living and support/provide for their families. Many of them were in the military at one point or another. These guys are “stand up” guys. Most of them, I’ve known them for over 20 years. They would give you the shirt off of their back to help you out, and expect nothing in return.
None of these guys have a social media profile. None of them are on Facebook. Most of them have no idea about Twitter, or what a tweet even is. The bullshit and drama that I see online doesn’t even exist for these guys. Maybe they are on to something here.
Their concerns are about their health, their families, making sure they have enough money now that they are retired to do the things they want to do, and to insure that they have enough to keep them in the lifestyles that they have created for themselves and have become accustomed to. Oh and their cars. Can’t forget about those. Don’t get me wrong, these guys would sell every last car they have in order to pay the bills and keep food on the table. A lot of the guys, my Dad included, consider their cars to be investments of a sort. Buying, restoring, and in many cases, selling cars is a “side hustle” for my Dad. It’s been pretty profitable for him too.
Hanging out with these guys, watching them interact with each other and with “outsiders,” it’s pretty amazing. The joking around, the ball busting, the stories. The lack of caring for things that don’t affect them, I learn from them each time I’m around them. Sometimes it’s something that somebody said. Most of the time, it’s from watching what they do. How they act. How they carry themselves. You’re not going to get an idea of how a man carries himself by reading a tweet. You usually won’t get it in a picture either. Most of the time you have to be there and see it for yourself. You have to see it with your own eyes.
Now I’ve painted the picture for you. I’ve hopefully laid the backdrop down.
So there we are, sitting, drinking, bullshitting, and in walks “Steve.”
Steve is a nice guy. He’s not one of the “inner circle,” but he hangs around the periphery. Most of the guys know who he is, and they all tolerate him to a degree. Thing is though, Steve used to be an “inner circle” guy. He messed that up though.
Steve came in, shook hands, cracked jokes, and told stories with the best of them. And the guys would smile and nod and be polite. Then they would go back to their original conversations almost like Steve wasn’t there. Almost like he had never spoke. Almost like he didn’t exist.
When I met Steve years ago, he was an articulate, well spoken, exuberant guy. Still is. He would do all sorts of favors for you, hell, you didn’t even have to ask. He knew all sorts of people, had all sorts of connections, and would be what some would consider a “man of influence.” Problem is, Steve would do all sorts of things for you and introduce you to all sorts of other people, and then he would expect something in return. Usually it was something that wasn’t worth the “favor” that he did for you. Usually his “payment” was more expensive that whatever it was that he did for you.
Steve did this type of thing to pretty much all of the guys in my Dad’s group. That’s how he ended up on the perimeter. That’s how he got himself “outcast.” They guys didn’t kick him out per se, but they distanced themselves from Steve when they realized that his “gifts” had strings attached. They limited their interactions with him. They started refusing his “gifts,” because let’s be honest here, they weren’t “gifts” if they had strings attached.
Beware the stranger, or even the so-called friend who comes bearing gifts. Especially when you either don’t know them at all, or you don’t know them well. My Brother Ryan, he lives in Illinois at this time. I’ve known him for over 20 years. We’ve seen each other through some serious shit. I’ve had his back, and he’s had mine. He shows up on my doorstep with a gift in hand, I’m not going to think twice about it. He’s giving me something because he wants to. There’s no strings attached.
But if I don’t know you, or I barely know you, and you show up bearing gifts, it’s a caution flag from me. “There’s no free lunch,” is something my Dad told me a long time ago. That little nugget has stood the test of time. There is no free lunch indeed. I hate to sound cynical, but when someone that I don’t know or I barely know shows up bearing gifts, my first thought is, “What’s in it for them? What’s their angle? What do they want from me in return?” This also applies when the gift or the favor is large. Especially when I don’t know the person or I barely know them.
Beware the stranger or even the casual acquaintance that comes bearing gifts. The price may be more than you would want to pay. Look for the hook. It’s in there somewhere. Somewhere there are strings attached, and the cost may be more than what its worth.
I went over to my Father’s house the other day, it was and still is, a part of my ritual with him. I go over to check on him, see how he’s been doing, make sure he’s okay, and do some catching up. It’s good for the both of us really.
My Dad mentioned “Andy” to me. He’s the guy that got both barrels from my Dad after my Mom’s funeral. Apparently, “Andy’s” ex-wife “Bobbie-Jo,” committed suicide a little while back. Their sixteen year old daughter found her mom hanging from a noose in the coat closet. I remember “Bobbie-Jo,” she’s around my age now, and she was a really good looking woman when I last saw her years ago. Tragic and sad. Tragic and really sad that it was her daughter that found her the way she found her.
“Andy” is in the upholstery business. One of the best upholsterer’s in this area. I know because I’ve seen his work first hand. Some of this work happens to be some of the seats in some of my Dad’s cars. His work is topnotch.
I’ve got to back up just a little bit. My Dad has been a car restoring aficionado for almost all of his life. Definitely all of my life. Some of my earliest memories of my Dad is him tinkering and restoring cars and trucks. I also remember him creating all sorts of new and creative swear words when something didn’t go as planned or was more difficult than expected. I also remember seeing the occasional tool getting thrown across the garage from time to time.
So my Dad has been doing the car restoration thing for at least fifty years. Maybe longer. My Dad knows his stuff and is very knowledgable about it. Car aficionado’s from all over the state know my Dad. They drop by to ask his advice about particular problems and ways to solve them. My Dad has also helped a lot of these guys restore their cars, or he has done it by himself for them. He’s always been forthright and honest in his dealings with this community of men. That’s one of the reason’s that they come to him, in some cases look up to him, and respect him. Not to toot my Dad’s horn, but when he’s got something to say about car restoration, these guys shut up and listen.
Now back to “Andy…..”
Like I said earlier, “Andy” is a class A upholsterer. His work is some of the finest I’ve ever seen. He uses quality materials and takes great care in his work. He doesn’t come cheap, and his work shows it.
No one questions the quality of “Andy’s” work.
But “Andy” does have a problem. He quotes a price for doing a job, and when it comes time to to pay up, the price has changed from his original quote. Significantly. I’m not talking about an extra fifty or even an extra hundred dollars. I’m talking about a price quote of $800.00 that ends up at $3,400.00 by the time all is said and done. How do I know about this quote and the end price? That’s what he charged my Dad the last time he did work for my Dad. Also “Andy” is horrible about meeting deadlines. What starts off as “a month or so” turns into almost a year.
My Dad isn’t the only person “Andy” has done this to. My Dad started naming a few other men that I happen to know that “Andy” charged way more than originally quoted. As far as my Dad is concerned, “Andy” is ripping people off. So he won’t use “Andy” anymore to do any of his upholstery needs. My Dad also stopped referring people to “Andy” as well. He doesn’t want to see other guys get ripped off, and he doesn’t want his name and reputation tarnished by what “Andy” is doing. He doesn’t want to been seen as endorsing “Andy’s” behavior.
“Andy” used to run his own upholstery business full time. Used to. Now days, he’s working for another business and moonlighting on weekends and evening’s doing upholstery. Why not full time? Because of his reputation.
As a Man, and this applies if you are going to go into business, your most important asset is your reputation. Your word is your bond. If you say you are going to do something, you do it. If you screw up, and we all do, you do what you can to make amends and make things right. “Andy” didn’t learn this lesson, which is why he has no repeat business.
You do something right, and the person you did right by will tell 10 people. You do wrong by somebody, they will go out and tell a thousand.
Perception is reality. How you are perceived is what is real to another person. Who you associate with reflects back on you.
Here’s another story about perception and association…
I grew up with a guy who had friends that were in a gang. Now this guy wasn’t in the gang himself, but he hung out with gangsters. One day, he was shot in the back by a guy wielding a twelve gauge shotgun in a drive by. The gangbanger’s didn’t care that he wasn’t actually in the gang, it was guilt by association. The guy recovered, but didn’t end his association with his gang friends.
Several years later, another incident happened. This time, the guy’s girlfriend ended up as a casualty. Unfortunately for her, she died. Apparently some rival gang members tried and botched a hit on the guy that I knew and she ended up caught in the crossfire. All because of who he associated with.
As a Man, be careful, or mindful, or conscious, or whatever other description you want to throw in here, of who you associate or attach yourself with or to. Guilt by association is a real thing. This goes for real life associations as well as online associations.
At the end of the day, if you are associating with someone who is doing something dishonest or something questionable, what does that say about you? What do you think other’s are going to think about you? If you don’t care, that’s fine. Don’t be surprised when people start distancing themselves from you though. Don’t be surprised when your business suffers because of who or what you are associating with. Perception is reality and guilt by association is a real thing. And sometimes you won’t be able to repair or recover your reputation. In fact, you may just take on a new reputation. A reputation that doesn’t work for you, but works against you.
Rob Says 
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