Tag: living in the present

I Do It For The Memories

Rob Says1 Comment

bonfire

Here’s a little fun fact you may, or may not know about me:

I’m a photographer. Not professionally mind you, but I’ve spent a lot of time behind the lense. My favorite type of photography has been landscapes, but I also love taking pictures of people. “Portraits.” I don’t do it for money because then it’s work. And I definitely won’t ever do wedding photography. I’ve seen what a nightmare that can be for the photographers who do it. Nope, not for me.

Why haven’t you seen any of my photos here or on any of my other platforms? Because I realized something critical a while ago. While I love shooting photos and being behind the lens, I also realized that I wasn’t “in the moment” during those shoots. I was too busy composing shots, making sure the lighting was what I wanted, getting whatever subject I was shooting exactly where I wanted them, etc., I wasn’t “a part of it.” I was missing out. I was missing out on that particular moment and on life in general. I was observing but I wasn’t participating.

I figured out my mission a while ago, but I didn’t have the words to describe it or label it. I have that now. My mission is to fully live, enjoy my life, have a variety of experiences with the people I engage with, and suck the marrow out of life.

Yes I know that’s vague in many ways. It doesn’t have that “I will make a million dollars by October 3rd of 2020” feel that many people will encourage you to have. You know, get fucking specific and all. The thing is, life is funny. You make all sorts of plans, set all sorts of goals, and life does what its going to do whether you like it or not. “Men plan. God laughs.”

What made me bring up my photography? A friend invited me to go camping and kayaking with them this last weekend. I thought about breaking out the camera gear and taking it with me. I got everything out, charged up all the batteries, brushed up on a few things that I had forgotten about my camera, did some test shots to make sure everything was going to work as planned, packed all that gear into their respective bags, set it all out to load in the truck, and then left it all home.

I really thought about bringing all that stuff, I really did. And part of me really wanted to bring it along, but I didn’t. I decided at the very last minute to leave it all home. I used the camera built into my phone instead. Getting behind the lens puts me out of the moment, I’m not “there,” not really. I’m not in my body, but in my head. I’m not living my mission. I’m not truly living if I’m not there.

I’ll figure out a way to integrate my photography and my mission, and when I do, I’m sure I’ll bore you all to tears with photos of me doing my thing with the people that I meet and the places that I see and go to. Until then though, I’ll just have to be satisfied with sucking the marrow out of life, living it fully. And you guys will have to read or hear about it after-the-fact, here, or on one of my other platforms. Better yet, we will be able to say to one another, “You remember when we did that shit?!” “Yeah man, that was fucking awesome!” That’s alright with me. I can do that. I can live with the memories even if I don’t have the photos to go along with it.

At least I can say that I lived and was fully present in that moment. And that’s enough for me.

I’m doing this thing called “life,” for the memories, the friendships, the experiences, and the connections. That’s my mission. That’s my goal. Care to join me?

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Insomnia

Rob Says1 Comment

man in blue and brown plaid dress shirt touching his hair

It’s 1am in the morning as I write this. I went to bed early, around 9pm, promptly fell asleep, and then woke up at 11pm.

And now I’m wide awake. After tossing and turning for 2 hours, I decided to hell with it, I’m getting up and doing something. Maybe after I write this, I’ll be able to go back to bed and get back to sleep. If not, the rest of this day is going to be a long day.

I’ve got so many things on my mind right now, it’s a tornado inside my head. The crazy thing is, I can’t seem to really pin any of these thoughts down for very long, if at all. I’m gonna try and pin a couple of them down though. Forgive my “stream of consciousness.”

I’ve got some concerns over finances. The registration on the car is coming up by the end of the month, and of course property taxes are just around the corner. I’ve got excitement for my upcoming trip to visit with Vince, TJ, Aaron, and anyone else who decides to show up. I want to get the motorcycle out and do some rides before the weather turns to shit. I’m excited for an event that’s coming up in late October.

And then there’s my Mom. It’s been almost a year since she died. September 17th will be one whole year. Where has the time gone? In some ways, it feels like it was only yesterday that she died. In other ways, it feels like it’s been an eternity. Some days I can still hear her voice very clearly, almost like she is in the next room. Other days, like right now, I barely remember what she sounded like. As of right now, I still haven’t been to the cemetary to visit her grave.

My Dad asked me about that a little while ago. He’s been up to the cemetary to visit her grave and make sure that it looks nice. You know, make sure there isn’t garbage on her spot. Make sure there isn’t any weeds or other nonsense going on around her grave. He told me it’s been well taken care of and it looks nice. I guess the guys who carved the headstone did a really good job.

But I haven’t been there yet. And honestly I have no desire to go there. I’m sure I’m avoiding something here. I know she’s gone and I’m as good with that as I’ll ever be. Maybe seeing her grave will “break something loose.” Maybe not. Maybe it will be no big deal. Just another headstone in another cemetary.

In my current state, you’ll have to pardon me if I don’t remember if I posted about what I’m about to say or not:

People who dwell in the past tend towards depression. People who dwell in the future tend towards anxiety. This isn’t a medical or psychological diagnosis I’m making here, just an observation. Most of the people that I’ve encountered throughout my life that either dwelled on the past or the future ended up either depressed or anxious most of the time.

When I think about how I do “my thing,” I tend to focus pretty much on the present with some jumps into the future. I’ve never been one to dwell on the past. The past is the past right? You can’t change it and you can’t go back to it, so why dwell on it? I think a lot of sentimentality is created from dwelling on the past, for better or for worse. I guess that’s why I’m not much of a sentimental guy. I guess that’s why I’m not too bothered about things like old family photos or the lack of them.

I’ve started a couple of “relationships” with a couple different women at the moment. These relationships have a shelf life, they have an expiration date. I don’t know when they will expire, but I’m sure they will. I’m not seeking anything long term and my expectations are low. In fact, I don’t have any expectations of these women except that if they are going to show up, we’ll enjoy each other’s company until it’s time for one of us to go home. Maybe we’ll see each other for several days, weeks, months, or even years. I highly doubt it, but hey, stranger things have happened. If they walk tomorrow, that’s okay. I have enjoyed myself fully while I was with them and while I was around them. I accept them for who and what they are. I don’t dig deep into their going’s on, other than scheduling the next time that we will get together. Their lives are their own. Their circuses and their monkeys are theirs, not mine.

That’s living in the present to me. Come and be around me, but if you do, leave your drama at home. Don’t bring it to my doorstep please.

Have you guys ever had insomnia? You still dealing with it? What has worked for you? Tell me in the comments, or shoot me an email.

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