Little Red

mohawk haan crows close up

Sit down everybody and listen closely, for I have a story to tell. You all know about things that go bump in the night, the mystical and mysterious creatures of legend. You all know about werewolves, witches, and vampires. You’ve all heard about The Jersey Devil and El Chupacabra, but how many of you know about Little Red?…

My name is Rob and I’m documenting what I know about Little Red on my voice-recorder. Why am I speaking into this machine instead of writing this down? Let’s just say that it’s easier to speak it than it is to write it down.

This all happened a few years ago when I lived in an apartment complex called “The Redwood.” The Redwood was, well, I’m not going to mince words, the Redwood was a shithole plain and simple. It was an apartment complex in the “bad part of town,” and it of course had its share of less than desirable people.

There was Paula from 2263 who I found out was only a few years older than me, but if you were to look at her, you would think that she was in her late 60’s or early 70’s. A lifetime of bad decisions from drinking daily to smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day will do that to you. She had dingy, stringy black hair that was the worst dye job that you had ever seen on a woman. If Marilyn Manson had been a woman, this is what he would look like.

There was Linda from 2060 who had a string of failed marriages and had also made a bunch of bad decisions throughout her life and she ended up at The Redwood as well. I could always hear her coming while I was out and about in the complex because she had a bluetooth speaker that she wore attached to her belt loop and she would play the pop music that the Zoomers today find popular. Linda had short blonde hair and at first glance she looked sort of like a Q-Tip with her hairdo. She loved her whiskey, her weed, and her Lortabs though.

And then there was “The Troll.” I say that because I don’t even want to know her name. All I know is that she lives across from me in 2166. The first thing that I see when I go to leave for work is the Troll sitting out on her balcony every morning or every evening, depending on my work schedule. The Troll would sit out on her balcony and she would be blasting whatever horrible music that it was that she liked to listen to and usually she would be drinking and screaming at Jeff, her boyfriend. She would be so loud sometimes that her voice would carry over the entire complex. How else would I know that she hadn’t been properly laid in months and that she had chronic pain from an injury that she received in a car accident?

I remember the first time that I had any interaction with the Troll and it was one of the many times that she was screaming at Jeff about whatever. It was early August and I had the window to my apartment open, hoping to catch a little breeze to cool me off. The cheap, tiny air conditioner unit that was stuck in my window was dead. Again. And my apartment was an oven. I stared out the window at the Troll who happened to look in my direction at the same time. She screeched at me, “Mind your own fucking business!” Normally, that’s exactly what I do, but it was a hot afternoon and I had had enough and so I yelled back at her, “That’s what I’m trying to do, except you’re making your shit my fucking business! Go inside!” And it was “on” from there.

My war with the Troll never really escalated beyond sneers from her and smiles and waves from me and although she never tried to hide the fact that she didn’t like me, I just acted all the more nicer just to piss her off. It worked. Her daily yelling and screaming became so normal and so tiring that one day I couldn’t stand it anymore and so I turned her in to the apartment management and to my surprise, they actually did something about it for once. They called the cops on her.

While the police had corralled the Troll in her apartment with Jeff, I was standing out in the courtyard, having a cigarette. That’s when I first met Linda and Paula that I mentioned earlier. They were giggling like a couple of schoolgirls and I could smell the weed and the booze on them. It wafted and exuded out of their pores like a toxic fog.

Even though it was building management that had called the cops on the Troll, everybody in the complex just assumed it was me that did it. In a roundabout way, I guess they were right.

So there I was, having a cigarette and trying to cool off and relax when Linda and Paula came over to talk to me. Like I said earlier, both of them ended up at The Redwood due to poor life choices. Now that I think about it, what does that say about me? Nevermind. While I was standing there, listening to these two drunk, stoned women prattle on about the comings and goings in the complex, I noticed a young couple with a young child and a very large dog, walking through the complex. The dog’s name was “Bee.” I have no idea what it stands for or if it’s a shortened version of something else, I just know that I’ve heard the guy when he calls for the dog, he calls it “Bee.”

Paula noticed me looking at the couple and the dog, and she said, “Lots of pets in this complex. You got Bee over there, a mangy, yellow tabby cat named Rufus from 1839 that runs around here, pissing on everything like he owns it, and somewhere around here, there’s a three legged, one earred, half blind mongrel named Lucky. He looks good compared to his owner.”

“Sure are a lot of animals around here,” I agreed noncommittally. “I’m still waiting to wake up and see deer in the common area.”

“Oh for sure!” Linda cackled. “It’s only a matter of time before they come in.”

“Hey have you seen the chicken?” Paula butted in.

“Chicken?” I asked.

“Lord yes! There’s a chicken that hangs around here!” Linda piped up before Paula could get the chance to continue.

I started wondering about this chicken and where it was and where it had come from. I guess I got so caught up in my thoughts that I didn’t realize that Linda and Paula had started fighting with each other. All I know is that I had to jump in the middle of these two older ladies and pull them off of each other. Both of them had small clumps of each other’s hair in their hands.

I told them both goodnight and went back to my apartment, I don’t have time for that kind of bullshit and I don’t want any part of it. Besides, the police were still there dealing with Jeff and the Troll and the last thing that I needed was them turning their attention towards us.

I woke up early the next morning since I was on the morning shift at my job that day and when I went outside to go and get into my car, that’s when I saw it for the first time.

The chicken.

I didn’t know what to expect when I saw it, but it was somewhat disappointing. I guess I was hoping for a big, red rooster. This bird was a little, brownish colored hen. She was sitting on the landing of my building, next to my neighbor’s door. She had been sitting there, roosting from last night if I had to guess, and if she hadn’t stood up, done that head bobbing thing that chickens do, and flapped her wings, I would have stepped on her. That’s how close she had been to me.

I stopped and slowly backed up and went back inside my apartment. I had some bread in the fridge that I wanted to feed to her because to me, she looked hungry. I came back out and she was still there. I pulled pieces and chunks from the couple of slices of bread that I had and threw them towards her. She initially flapped and kind of ran away from them, but when she realized what they were, she came back and began pecking at them and eating them. I finished throwing the pieces of bread towards her and then I left and went to work.

If she was still around later when I got back, I would feed her some birdseed, I thought. If she’s still around when I get back, I’m going to give her a name. I’m going to call her, Little Red.

When I got home from work that afternoon, Little Red was down by the dog run. Pecking around, looking for worms I imagine. I tore open the bag of birdseed that I had picked up after I got off work and threw a couple of handfuls towards her. She immediately darted towards where I threw the seed and began pecking away.

I felt so happy that she was eating my birdseed and I knew that I was doing a good and kind thing. I kept sprinkling out little handfuls of seed and was working my way closer to her, I wanted to see if I could actually touch her.

So there I was, sprinkling and moving ever closer, and Little Red, the now unofficial mascot of The Redwood, was pecking and clucking at the seed. I finally ended up right next to her and I slowly leaned down and touched her.

She was soft and sort of silky and she didn’t seem the least bit scared of me. In fact, she cocked her head to the side and looked at me quizzically, as if trying to decide something. She made a couple of clucks and pecked at the ground while I had visions and fantasies of this chicken being the mascot and sort of “pet” for the apartment complex. Paula and Linda would “ooh and ahh” over my taming of the bird, and everybody would come around and want to see and pet my new friend.

I was talking softly to Little Red about this, about her status as the mascot for The Redwood and how everybody would want to pet her and feed her and how everybody would go looking for her after that day, telling each other and anybody who would listen about her, when it happened.

Although it’s been several years since it happened, I can see it in my mind’s eye plain as day as if it had happened yesterday.

I was talking to Little Red about all of these wonderful things that were going to happen for her here at The Redwood, when she cocked her head as if listening to me, and maybe she actually was, and then she opened her beak, clucked once, and then she flapped her wings and attacked me.

I was so startled by her change of behavior and demeanor that she totally caught me off-guard. I was too slow and had my hands full with birdseed in one and the bag of seed in the other that I wasn’t able to fend her off or defend myself.

The pain of her talons scratching my face was excruciating and when she went for my eyes, it was as if someone had poked me with a white-hot poker. I saw blazing white and felt warm liquid running down my face and I remember screaming and beating about my head, trying to get Little Red off of me, and that’s when everything went dark.

I woke up later in the hospital and to my shock and horror, everything was black. No hint of grey, no blurry images or smeared colors, but complete and absolute black.

I told you at the beginning that I was documenting this on my voice recorder because it was easier to say it than it was to write it down, and that’s because Little Red scratched both of my eyes out.

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Halloween Is Coming..

backlit black candle candlelight

Halloween has always held a special place in my heart. Out of all of the holidays that we observe here in the United States, this one is my favorite by far. Better than Christmas, better than the 4th of July, better than Thanksgiving.

This is the time of year where the weather is getting colder, jackets, hoodies, sweatshirts, and sweaters become the norm of attire. I love the smell of autumn in the early morning. I don’t even know how to describe it other than, the air is cold and bitter, and has an earthy smell to it. The mosquitos are long dead, the leaves have changed, and most of them have fallen. Normally the afternoon temperatures are decent, where you can shed the jacket and are comfortable walking around in a long sleeve shirt.

It’s the time where traditionally, you are now reaping what you have sown. Time to bring forth the harvest. Time to have one last revel before closing the doors and windows to the winter that is coming.

I remember as a child reading a book called The Halloween Tree by Ray Bradbury. I would read this book every year starting at the beginning of October. I read this book like religion for several years. The last time that I read it, I believe that I was in high school. I would read something like a chapter a day until the day of Halloween itself. It’s a wonderful book. I still have my copy from back in the day around here somewhere. It was something that I found in a box of stuff of mine still over at my Dad’s house, under his stairs. He brought the box out and called me up when he realized that the stuff in the box was mine. He wanted me to come over and claim it, or he was going to throw it out. The only thing in that box of crap that I wanted was that book, and I didn’t even know that it was there until I saw it. I honestly figured that I had lost it to the winds of time years ago. I had searched my stuff for years in vain, trying to locate that book, and when I couldn’t find it, I didn’t have the heart to replace it.

I can remember as a kid going out trick-or-treating with friends and with either my Mom or occasionally my Dad in tow, keeping an eye on us. I remember several years when it was too cold to go out in just my costume and I had to wear a coat over it. I also remember a couple of years when it had actually snowed by Halloween and I had to wear a coat, ski pants, and “moon boots.” (You guys remember those?) To hell with the costume on those occasions, it just was about wearing those silly plastic half-masks with the elastic band on the back.

I remember one year dressing up as a stormtrooper from Star Wars and my best friend at the time dressed up as Darth Vader. We were probably like 8 and 7 years old respectively. The funny thing was, I was actually taller than he was at the time. (Aren’t you a little bit short for a stormtrooper?) Good times.

I also remember the big “scare” about finding razor blades or drugs in my candy. I remember my Mom going through my haul after trick-or-treating and making sure that nothing was contaminated or carried extra surprises that would have been detrimental to me. I never received an apple with a razor blade in it, nor did I ever get anything with drugs or poison in it. I kind of feel cheated. It would have been cool to get some drugs or at least a razor blade packaged in a piece of fruit or something.

When I became a teenager, I remember our costumes becoming more sinister. By “our,” I mean my friends and me. We would wear black ninja masks, or some of those pull over latex monstrosities that were truly creepy, and then we would usually dress in all black and then go out and creep the neighborhood, terrorizing the single mother’s and their young children. All we needed was the white panel van with the cargo door open for the full effect. God those were good times. I remember seeing young mother’s snatching their children up and walking briskly the other direction from us. It was even more fun when we would “stalk” them. We would even stand under those halogen street lamps where you could see us, but you couldn’t see details so much. Mostly sinister silhouette’s.

Nowadays, not only has Halloween become too commercialized, it’s become too safe. Nowadays, we have “trunk-or-treating,” where people haul their candy and treats out to the trunks of their cars, line them up on some well-lit street, or even during the day (gasp!) and let all the kids go from car to car, getting their loot. No hoofing it through neighborhood after neighborhood, street after poor lit street, earning your haul these days.

No more scary costumes for the kiddies these days either. Or scary cartoons. Or scary stories.

No, now it’s cute and cuddly costumes for the kiddies and the mom’s dress up like sexy sluts and go partying after the kids are safely tucked away for the night. Don’t get me wrong, that’s one thing that “they” got right when it comes to Halloween. I definitely enjoy seeing women showing off their inner slut with their sexy maid costume, or their sexy police officer outfit. You’ll get no complaints from me there.

Where did the sinister go though? Where did Leatherface go to? Or Jason Vorhees? Or Michael Myers? What happened to that sense of fear, that you might go out to get your loot and you might not come home? What happened to that thrill of you might swallow a razor blade or get poisoned?

I still try to keep that creepy, sinister part of Halloween alive. When I lived at home with my family many moons ago, I would be the one to hand out the candy to the kiddies and I would always dress the part. I learned how to use makeup and make myself truly terrifying. No need for a costume, just a little facepaint and a little body language and I would have all the kids taking several steps back when I opened the door. And if I didn’t make at least one of them cry, well then, I failed at my task.

My ex-girlfriend knew how to do makeup, and one year we went out to see the King Diamond concert, which happened to fall on Halloween, and she did my makeup for me. Here’s what I looked like:


It was such a good time that night. I was able to impress the adults and scare the children at the same time. A few years before that, I had a different costume that I remember wearing to a party and was voted “Most Likely to Terrify the Children.” Here’s a photo of that one:

DOC Face 10-31-2009 6-25-44 PM

I remember wearing that costume at the party and also going outside and terrorizing the neighborhood kids that were trick-or-treating. It was a good thing that I didn’t live in that neighborhood. Maybe I’m an asshole. That orange outfit? Yeah that’s a DOC replica. Prison jumpsuit for the ignorant and unitiated. Even said Department of Corrections and had some number on the back of it.

I’m excited for Halloween again this year. My “mask” showed up the other day and I’m excited to wear it. I showed it to a couple of people so far and I’ve been told that it’s “creepy” and “unsettling.” I have succeeded. I can’t wait.

I’m sure that I’ll be doing some sort of Halloween episode on my YouTube channel, during one of my Salt Lake Sit-Downs. Stay tuned, it’s going to be epic.

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