It’s been a little over a month since my ex-girlfriend moved out. I’ll be completely honest, I miss her terribly sometimes. I miss what we could have had, and what we did have. I miss her company. I miss seeing her smiling face and hearing her laugh. I miss her body. I miss having her lying next to me in bed at night and waking up to see her in the morning.
Maybe I have a small touch of Oneitis. I wouldn’t doubt that. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any delusions that she was ever my “soulmate.” I don’t have the scarcity mentality that “I’ll never love again.” But every once in a while, damn, I sure do miss her.
She was the youngest, most fit, and most attractive woman that I’ve had so far in my life. She put the past women to shame. There will be other women, I know this. But at this moment that I’m typing this, it doesn’t seem like it. It doesn’t seem like there will be another “younger, hotter, tighter.” There will be, I know it. It just doesn’t seem like that right now. I’ll get there though.
Here’s something I did think about though:
Maybe I dodged a bullet. You see, my ex-gf snowballed me when we broke up. I really had no idea that it was coming. Maybe us breaking up was a good thing.
A couple of months before we broke up, we had talked about a future where there would have been marriage and most likely some children. I’m old enough at this point that I was good with the idea that I would never be a father, but then we talked about it, seriously. I realized that not only was the idea okay, it actually appealed to me. I got excited about the idea of being a father. I got excited about the idea of raising children and being called “Dad.”
Now that’s not going to happen. At least not with her anyways. Perhaps it won’t happen at all. I don’t know how I feel about that.
Maybe I dodged a bullet because we could have gotten married and had children and she could have snowballed me then, and either left me raising children by myself, or even worse, she could have gotten custody of my children and then I’m left doing what a lot of Men are doing these days: Working themselves into an early grave to provide for their children that they don’t get to see as often as they would like to. Having another man raising and/or influencing their children in ways that may not be how he, as the father, would want his children raised. Paying alimony.
I could sit here and lament the relationship that ended. I could lament how it didn’t work out the way that I had hoped it would. I could pine over her. I could torture myself in a thousand different ways by playing the “coulda, woulda, shoulda” game. I could go over all of this for the millionth time in my head and try to wrap myself around it. And still come up short on answers that satisfy me.
Or I could look at it as I dodged a bullet. Better now that all of the things that happened, happened. Better now that they happened rather than 5 years down the road. Better they happened before we ever talked about setting a wedding date and started actually having children.
If you are a Man and you’re reading this right now, and you’re dealing with a divorce, a break up, a loss of a relationship, maybe you too, dodged a bullet.
Here’s another truth that I’ve had to swallow that has been a bitter pill:
You can be with someone for a long time, months, years, even decades, and you will never really know them.
You will think that you know them, and I’m sure that is part of the idealism that lives inside of Men. You think you know your wife, your girlfriend, your significant other, whatever title, name or term of affection that you want to give her or call her.
But you will never really know her. Not truly.
Swallow that pill. Choke it down.
You will never really know her.
In all fairness, she will probably never really know you either. But if you are like most Men out there, you will take many opportunities to show her who you are, to invite her into your world and to get to know you better. To know who you really are.
Do not expect the same courtesy in return. She will always hold something back. I’m not saying this from a place of anger or bitterness, I’m just speaking from my own personal experience.
After every relationship I’ve had that has ended, I end up seeing more of who that woman really was.
Sometimes it’s not pretty. Sometimes it’s okay. Either way it is what it is.
I don’t blame the women that have been in my life and are now gone for this lack of knowing them. It’s not their fault for the most part. It’s mine.
Goddamn, unplugging is a bitch. You go along, thinking you’ve unplugged and then something hits you. Sometimes it even blind sides you. That’s where you realize that you haven’t unplugged as much as you thought you had. That’s when you realize you are still a long way off and that you still have a lot of work to do.
I don’t know why this one is bothering me so bad right now, except that it shatters an illusion that I once had and cherished. That illusion was that I knew the woman I was with, that I really knew her.
Knowing now that I didn’t really know her, it’s sad to me. It’s sad because now I know more about her and what she is actually capable of. Which means that she is truly capable of anything.
In the past if you asked me if she was capable of “X,” I would have told you no way, not in a million years.
Now if you asked me if she was or is capable of “X,” I would have to say that “X” is totally possible. She could do it. Doesn’t mean she would, but she could.
That opens up a whole world of uncertainty for me. That uncertainty makes me uncomfortable. If she is capable of say, lying, cheating, deceiving, stealing, and even taking a life, it means that I don’t really know her and I cannot trust her.
I take that back. I can trust her to be her. Someone who is capable of anything. Even theft and murder.
The question that keeps haunting me is this:
Knowing that a woman is truly capable of anything and could turn on you for no reason at all, how do you trust them? How can you live with them? How can you spend time, any significant amount of time with them?
I don’t want to go through the rest of my life not being able to trust a woman. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life realizing that a woman is truly capable of anything and everything.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder and sleeping with one eye open, wondering when, not if, she’s going to go feral on me and pull whatever shit she’s going to pull.
How do you overcome that? Or do you?
Is it simply throwing your hands up in the air and giving up? Is it submitting to the fact that All Women Are Like That? How can you be with someone that you can’t trust? Or that you can trust that she will do what she’s going to do and that she will go feral at some point and betray your trust, betray you?
I can already hear some women that might read this saying, “Not all women are like that!” To which I would answer them, “Prove it. Your words don’t count for shit with me. You’re going to have to show me that I can trust you, your words don’t count.”
I understand why some Men decide to go MGTOW now. It makes more sense. Sometimes it seems to me that it would be a much easier life not dealing with women. If I want female companionship I can always hire a professional and be done with it. At least with her, I know what I’m paying for and what I’m getting. I can see why some guys do this.
Maybe I’m just zeroed out emotionally at this point when it comes to the idea of dating and dealing with women. Right now I don’t feel like it’s worth the hassle to get to know someone only to know that I’ll never really know them and that I can only trust them about as far as I can throw them. It sucks knowing that the only thing I know for certain is that I can trust her to be her and that means that I can trust that she is capable of anything at any time. I can trust that she can go feral at any point for any reason or no reason whatsoever.
Screaming Into The Void. It’s a term I’ve come across recently. For me, it evokes an image of a person screaming into a gigantic, never-ending black nothingness. Nothing escapes the Void. Whatever goes into it never comes back out. No sound ever leaves it. Not an echo, not a murmur, not a whisper. Not even light can escape the Void. It’s a black hole.
Being on the internet and on social media specifically, is like screaming into the void. You create a blog, you start putting your thoughts and feelings out there, you start bleeding on your keyboard. You pour your soul out, you expose all your fears, insecurities, ideas, anything. Anything to be heard, anything to be seen. Anything to say, “I’m here. I’m alive. I matter.” You pour it all out. Then you hit “send,” or “publish.” And then?
Nothing.
Oh don’t get me wrong, your words, your thoughts, your pictures, your ideas are out there. You can see them on your screen, large as life. You can click an array of links and get back to your words, your essence. Yep, still there.
But still. Nothing.
And this can go on forever. It really and literally can.
It can make you lose hope. It can make you want to give up. Trust me, I get it. There’s been many times over the years that I wanted to give up, to say, “fuck it,” and go back to watching television or reading a book, or doing…. Whatever.
Maybe I’m masochistic. Maybe I’m just stubborn. Maybe I think that what I say does actually have some value, and that maybe, just maybe, some day, some time, somewhere, someone might actually penetrate the Void and find what I’ve put out there.
It does happen.
It can and does take time, but it does happen.
When I first got on to Twitter, like everyone else, I had no followers. So I followed a couple of “celebrities.” I watched the tweets, replies, etc. I’ve come to realize that most of your really, really big accounts have handlers. It’s not usually that one person doing the actual tweeting. Of course, there are always exceptions. But most of the time, it’s not the actual person that is named on the account doing the tweeting.
I then started following some of the big accounts followers. Little guys. Guys a lot like me. Guys who followed a bunch of people but had few followers themselves. I found some of their tweets added value to my day, my life. So I re-tweeted what they said. Maybe I really liked what they said. Maybe they said it better than I could have said it. Sometimes I would add my two cents in the re-tweets.
Soon, I started replying to their tweets, adding my own two cents. Most of the time, and even today when I reply to something, it usually goes into the Void. That’s okay. I’m not necessarily looking for interaction. I’m just adding my two cents. But every now and then, somebody replies to my reply and a sort of dialogue opens up. I’m no longer screaming into the Void.
So I decided to start a blog. This blog. And in the beginning, it was me screaming into the Void again. Even now, when it comes to comments on my posts, when it comes to interaction with others, I’m still screaming into the Void. That’s fine. I’m not here to get a bunch of followers and have a ton of interaction. I created my blog mostly for me to log my thoughts and my journey through my life and my experiences that I’ve gained from learning about the Red Pill.
Anyone who finds this blog, anyone who reads it, is simply going along for the ride. I’m doing the driving and the navigating, you dear Reader, are just enjoying the scenery. Hopefully you are enjoying the ride. Hopefully you are enjoying the reading. I hope you are getting something of value from what I write.
I have no idea how many people that follow my blog actually read my blog with any consistent basis. I like to think that there are a couple of people that do. I like to think that there are a few of you out there that have found my blog, you’ve penetrated the Void, and that we have some sort of common connection. Some sort of common bond or experience.
And I know I do have that. I do have that connection and bond. Comments do come in from time to time. Interactions are had. Moments are made.
In some cases, friendships have been forged. It’s truly an amazing time we live in.
I created a Youtube channel a long time ago. I set it up mostly so that I could watch what others have created. I then decided to add to my channel by putting up videos of my animals doing what they do. Those videos are still there. I’m not taking them down even if they are dumb. Those are moments that bring me joy even if you or anyone else think they are stupid. I don’t care. It’s not about you on those videos, it’s about me and my life.
I then started adding videos of motorcycle rides that I’ve done. That’s another passion of mine, motorcycle riding. I’ve seen a lot of places, met a lot of people, created a lot of memories while sitting on a motorcycle. One of my closest friends I met on a ride.
Then I started adding videos about things that I’ve talked about on this blog. Some of it is me reading my blog posts word for word. Sometimes I add things to the videos that I didn’t know or think about at the time I created the blog post. Sometimes the videos are off the cuff, me flying by the seat of my pants. Everybody has different ways of gaining knowledge. Some, like me, prefer to read the written word. I get the most “bang for my buck” by reading.
Some people gain more insight by seeing, by watching. This is the second best way for me to get something out of something.
Some people gain their insight by just listening. Welcome to audio podcasts and audio books. I like these as well. I do find that I enjoy listening to podcasts and audio books, but I tend to wander and that if I’m truly trying to learn something, it’s better for me to either read about the subject at hand, or watch something about it. Just listening, for me, is more about relaxing and entertainment value.
I then took the audio portions of my videos and turned them into bonafide podcasts. I decided if I’m going to scream into the Void, I’m going to scream into as many parts of that Great Nothing as possible. I’m going to put as much out there as I can, because maybe, just maybe, someone somewhere will find it.
I think the the term Void is misleading. It’s not really this great big black hole nothing that our words, our thoughts, our hopes, ideas, and dreams go into.
It’s more like a radio signal being broadcast into space. In some cases this is actually, literally true. If you are broadcasting something via some form of radio transmission, you are actually and literally broadcasting into space.
The point I’m trying to make is that the signal is out there. It just has to be found. It takes time. Sometimes a lot of time. But it gets found eventually. It always does. Someone, somewhere does find it. So you keep going. You keep writing. You keep doing videos. You keep tweeting. You keep doing podcasts. You keep sending the signal.
It only feels like the Void because you think it’s the Void. It’s not the Void. It’s just space. It’s just tuning the radio dial to the right frequency. It’s just tuning in. It’s just timing. Keep at it. Keep doing it. Keep going on. Keep doing you.
I’ve received all sorts of feedback via direct messages, texts, and e-mails about my videos and this blog. I’m not screaming into the Void. Not any longer. I never really was. People just tuned into the frequency that I’m transmitting on. The Void, the silence, has been broken.
While I send a decent amount of time writing my posts, tweeting my tweets, and making my videos, I also spend a good amount of time tuning my radio dial. I spend time looking for new connections and content. I too am travelling through space looking to find new experiences and learn new things. I’m tuning that dial. I’m looking for you.
Don’t stop doing what you are doing because you feel like you’re screaming into the Void. Don’t stop. I’m still trying to find you. Give me a chance to find you. Don’t give up. Not yet. You haven’t done it long enough to give up yet. I’m still looking for you.
Rob Says 
You must be logged in to post a comment.