The Silence…

January 20, 2020January 14, 2020 Rob SaysLeave a comment

silhouette of man at sunset — Silence Is Hell.

[Edit: I wrote this a while back when I was going through a real rough patch. Things are much better now. -Rob]

The Silence is…Deafening.

The Silence is…Distracting.

The Silence is…Unbearable.

Not going to lie, it’s been a rough few weeks since my relationship ended. The worst part of it is the nights.

Like that cornball saying from Game of Thrones: Winter is Here. It gets dark early, the house is quiet, too quiet. I go to bed early because why not? Only to not fall asleep and stare at the ceiling.

The ringing in my ears from the silence is distracting almost to the point of madness. So a video comes on. Or a movie. Or music. Anything to shut out the sound of silence.

As I write this, the click of the keyboard on my bed is soothing. It dulls the silence. It is background noise of a sort.

I’m trying to remember what it was like to be able to sit in silence or lie down in silence and be comforted by it. To be good with the silence. I’ll get there. Eventually. I know this. It’s just not right now.

Right now silence is too silent. It’s a distraction. It’s an obstacle. It’s an adversary to me. It’s not my friend at the moment.

Too much silence at this moment in my life.

It’s kind of funny, I wake up in silence. I go to work in silence. I can’t stand listening to the radio in the morning during my commute. Too many commercials and shit music. Too much mindless babbling from the radio “personalities.”

I talk with my co-workers briefly before going out on route. I drive around in silence. I exchange brief, cordial pleasantries with the customers when I service them. Rinse and repeat.

I get back to the shop when the work is done, talk briefly. Get back into my car for the commute home in silence. I get home to a silent house. I go to the gym and listen to music while I’m there. I don’t talk to anyone for the most part because I’m there to work out, as are they.

I go back home, fix dinner in silence, and then I’ll get on Twitter or Periscope for a bit. My voice breaks the silence for however long I’m doing the social media thing.

I go to bed in silence and not fall asleep because of the silence.

And the whole process tends to repeat itself. At least for right now.

The Silence is…Hell.

I can see the “light at the end of the tunnel,” so to speak. But it feels like it’s a million miles away.

I’m tired of the silence already.

I’m tired.

I’m rambling via a keyboard so that the click of the keys breaks the silence.

I’m typing to keep on keeping on.

I’ve got this. Some way, somehow, I’ve got this.

I just found this in my drafts recently and debated on sharing it or not. I originally wrote this post back in March of 2019. It’s interesting finding this post and reading it, seeing where I was at and comparing it to now.

The silence is still there from time to time, but it’s rare now. I still have an occasional sleepless night, but those too, are rare.

Winter is Here, yet again, just like last year. Only this year is better, much better. All those feelings I felt a year ago, they were just feelings, and they passed with the passage of time. I went from being alone in a silent house to having multiple people show up and share time with me. If I had done the unthinkable, if I had contemplated the thing that cannot be undone, I wouldn’t be here now. I wouldn’t know the things that I know now. I wouldn’t have had all the experiences that I have had now.

I wouldn’t have the friendships that I have now. I wouldn’t have the sex and the relationships that I have now. I wouldn’t have told the stories that I’ve told and I wouldn’t have been able to listen to the stories that were told to me. I wouldn’t have seen the things I’ve seen, or visited the people and the places that I’ve visited.

A whole lifetime of stories and experiences had, and in less than a year from when I first wrote this particular post. Damn, what a wonderful world I inhabit and live in. And to think, the silence was starting to do me in. I didn’t let it, and here I am.

Don’t let it do you in either.

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Idiocracy

January 15, 2020January 15, 2020 Rob SaysLeave a comment

climate people street weather — There is no future, there is no past. There is only the present.

Yes I’m ripping off the movie with the same title to use as my title. It’s apt. Deal with it.

Guy goes online and talks about how marriage and kids are better than a high notch count. Same guy has a low notch count. Another guy goes online and talks about meeting an overweight woman and helping her to lose the weight, “she will be grateful.” Same guy has an overweight wife.

Both guys are fairly young, late 20’s to early 30’s if I’m correct. Both guys lack major experience. Both guys are running their mouths on the internet as if they are some sort of “authority.”

I understand that age doesn’t necessarily make or give you authority, but experience or in this case, the lack of it, does. Both guys lack experience, and yet they are lauded for it. Retweets and likes aplenty.

Welcome to Idiocracy.

When guys with little to no experience are hailed as guru’s and authorities, and guys with actual experience are either ignored or they are shouted down, you are in an idiocracy.

Want to preach the “evil’s” of a high notch count? Fine. But your notch count had better be higher than my own if I’m going to take you seriously.

Want to talk about taking a fat girl, getting her to work out and get her thin, and she’ll be “grateful” to you? Yeah, I’ve been a witness to this one personally, firsthand:

Back in 1995, I met a woman who pushed all of my attraction buttons. Height, weight, hair length, hair color, personality, she pretty much had it all. She had it going on so much, I even broke my rule of dating co-workers. I dated her and she was a co-worker. She’s also the reason that I created my own rule of not dating co-workers.

This woman had told me she had a sister, and one day we were hanging out at her house. I noticed a picture hanging on the wall. I asked her, “Is that your sister?” The picture was of a woman with brunette hair and the girl was damn near morbidly obese. My girl was blonde and thin.

“No, that’s me from a couple of years ago.”

Wait, what?

Yeah, my girl was the same girl in that picture. She had gastric bypass surgery a couple of years before. She had also had a fiance back in the day as well. When she started losing weight, she gained a lot of attention from men. Men that normally would have ignored her when she was fat. She went from invisible to being visible, and she went wild. She not only lost weight, but she ditched the fiance and started riding the carousel. I’m not criticizing her for doing it. Hell, I was a beneficiary of it. I also understand where she’s coming from. When I was younger, I was overweight and all but invisible to women. When I lost that weight and became visible, I went “hog wild” with it.

I’m getting a little off tangent here. The point I’m trying to make is that most women aren’t going to be “grateful” to a guy who helps them lose weight, they are going to ditch that guy and “trade up.” I don’t fault them for this, it’s just what happens. Does this happen all the time, every time? Of course not. I’m positive there are exceptions to the rule. My point is, do you want to risk your future happiness, your family, and your wealth on it?

Taking this guy’s advice would be a terrible idea in my opinion. He lacks experience. But hey, it’s your life, and like I always say, you get to burn.

I’m not sure which is worse, the idiot spouting his mouth off on the internet, or the followers who like and retweet the guy’s nonsense. Welcome to idiocracy.

I can understand why a lot of younger people are giving backlash to “the boomers.” Much of the world we live in and the state of affairs can be laid at the boomers feet. Also, a lot of boomer advice is outdated in today’s modern world. All I have to do is look to my own Father and his dating “advice” to see that. At the same time, don’t be so quick to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Otherwise you end up listening to people who sorely lack experience and you become the idiot.

Be careful who you listen to, in all areas of life, not just online. Be extra careful of the guys that you follow online though. Pictures, stories, even whole lives are crafted and faked. It’s easy as hell to do it. Everyone lies. Everyone deceives, even if it’s just self deception, which is the worst. Everyone is just some random asshole on the internet. Question everything they say. It’s taxing and it’s tiresome, I get it. But you need to do it. You need to look for experience over fluff and fanfare. Realize that what they are promoting is in fact, their agenda. It may work for them, but does it work for you? Realize that they have interests, but are their interests in your best interest? I would be surprised if they are. Cynical, I know. But that comes from experience.

Think for yourself. Then act. Put it into motion. Put it into play. Test it out for yourself. See what happens. That’s how you get experience. Or you can listen and follow the latest random asshole on the internet. You can like, retweet, and regurgitate his latest nonsense. You can be an idiot following another idiot. You can complete that circle.

Welcome to Idiocracy.

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“My Legacy”

January 13, 2020June 11, 2022 Rob Says2 Comments

man talking picture while smiling — Legacy Porn for Power Dads.

I’ve been seeing “My Legacy” tweets and posts a lot lately. If you are on Twitter and are part of the same circles that I run around in, I’m sure you are seeing it too.

Guys showing off their kids and what they are doing with them. Guys talking about their families and posting pictures of them.

On the surface, there is nothing wrong with this, as far as I’m concerned. It’s a guy who is trying to be a positive role model for other guys who either have families of their own, or for guys who are interested in starting a family of their own one day.

But let’s dig a little deeper…

Let’s start off with the guys who talk about “my legacy.” Notice the first word in the quotes. “My.” It’s not about his family or his kid’s. It’s not about their well-being or what they want, or even about how they are being raised. It’s about him. It’s about getting digital high-fives and back slaps. It’s about “atta boys” and recognition. In short, it’s about validation seeking. The “my legacy” types are more worried about their “legacies” than how their kids feel about it.

I may not be a father, but I am a son and I was once a teenager. What happened when I was a teenager and even a young man? I rebelled. I rebelled against my family because they too, were more concerned about their “legacy” than they were with what I wanted out of life and how I felt about it. Many of the father’s and even some of the mother’s that I see talking about their “legacy” have young children. Most of these children haven’t become teenagers yet. They are still at that young, fun, impressionable age where Mom and Dad are gods and good guys. It’s going to be interesting to see how that dynamic plays out in the next few years or the next decade.

Worrying about your “legacy” is self-centered in my opinion. I think a lot of the father’s writing about their families are missing the point. It’s not about you. It’s about your kid’s. They are autonomous human beings with feelings and wishes of their own. Growing up being brainwashed by religion and family is a great way to create rebels and black sheep.

I was raised and grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah. It’s pretty much the LDS capital of the world. On the surface, it looks idyllic. Nuclear families where the father is the patriarch, mom stays at home and raises the kids. Kids are happy, healthy, so on and so forth, etc., etc. The truth is, many of the families are not nuclear anymore. No-fault divorce is just as accepted and legal in Utah as it is anywhere else in the United States. Drug use, prescription drug use, is high here in Utah. Everybody is on anti-depressants. I’m not making this up. Google the statistics for yourself.

Most of the kids that I grew up with rebelled. Drug use, drinking, pre-marital sex, unplanned pregnancies, all of that was a thing during my youth and still is today. One thing that has changed is young people committing suicide. That has gone up since when I was younger. If life is so grand, why are they killing themselves? Boredom? They’ve peaked out and therefore life can’t get any better, so might as well end it now?

No. That’s not it.

I don’t have all the answers to that question because it’s a complex question, but I can say with certainty because I have lived in it and experienced it firsthand, a big part of it is about perfection. Being perfect, having the perfect little life and family. At least on first glance and on paper.

The truth is, Mom and Dad are popping pills and drinking heavily. The kids are doing the same. Mom and Dad are having affairs and the kids are out screwing like the human animals that they are, but nobody wants to talk about it or address it. Everybody shows up to church on Sunday and it’s business as usual. Teenage pregnancy is high because nobody wants to talk about sex except abstinence. “Sex is something that is between a husband and a wife. You don’t do it until you are married.”

I hate to throw around the term narcissistic fantasy, but the “my legacy” crowd is indeed doing that very thing. It’s not about their kids really. It’s about them. The only difference that I’m seeing now is that they are doing it online instead of in the pews on Sunday. Mother’s and Father’s bragging about how great and wonderful their kids are, while their son is out stealing cars. Talking about how their son is going to go on a mission when he is old enough to do so, and that same son is out drinking and smoking weed, saying he will never go on a mission to his friends. The bishop of the ward talking about the sins of premarital sex, and his son is busy knocking up his “one true love.”

I’m not exaggerating when I say this stuff, I witnessed all of this with my own eyes and heard it with my own ears. I grew up with it, and nothing has changed.

I think it’s going to be interesting when the “legacy” crowd has their sons and daughters hit their teenage years and many of them rebel. These young families think they have it hard now, they haven’t gone through the crucible of the teenage and early twenty-something years. What I can’t wrap my head around is, they were teenagers once themselves, and not too long ago. They are closer to their teenage years than I am. Have they already forgotten? Did they not rebel? Did they follow their parents’ blueprint to having a “great family?” Or are they going to “do it different” than dear old Mom and Dad did?

Your “legacy” shouldn’t be about your kids in all honesty. Raising children is something that almost everybody does at some point. Ejaculating in a woman and her getting pregnant isn’t a feat. You aren’t special because you had kids. Your kids aren’t your legacy.

Every time I see or hear someone spout off about their “legacy,” I can think of several people who decided that hanging around and taking care of their parents in their old age wasn’t in the plans. I’ve seen people disown their families, walk out the door, and never look back, and with no regrets. My ex-wife’s oldest daughter has two children of her own as I’m writing this, and my ex-wife, the grandmother of these two children, has never seen those children in person and never will. Her oldest daughter will talk to me, but she won’t talk to her own mother. There’s a legacy for you.

I’ve seen “legacies” end up behind bars. I’ve seen them drink themselves to death or overdose on heroin. I’ve seen them join gangs. Your legacy can’t be your family as far as I’m concerned because they don’t owe you anything and they aren’t obligated to you. They can walk out of your life legally the moment they hit the age of majority and never look back. They are autonomous beings with thoughts, feelings, and desires of their own. Give them the space to explore that without the pressure of trying to live up to your legacy.

You want to be a Dad and raise kids? Fine, do that. I don’t have a problem with that. I hope your kids turn out okay and that they are happy and healthy. But don’t make it about you. You chose to have kids, they didn’t choose you. If you want to leave a legacy behind, make it about something else. Otherwise you’ll probably fuck your kids up. That, and all families have kids right? That’s the very definition of a family. Raising kids isn’t an achievement, it’s what everybody does.

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