I have always been fascinated by the concept of Dread. I get what it is, and I get pretty much how you could use it in whatever relationship that you happen to be in. I’ve never had to use Dread, at least I don’t remember using Dread, and if I did, it was unconsciously.
That’s because if the offense is egregious enough, I’m willing to walk away. It doesn’t matter the time span of the relationship, if whatever happened between us was a “deal breaker,” I walked away. I’m not saying that it was always the best option, but it was THE option when the time came.
I remember at the end of my relationship with Teriyaki. Things were getting strange. She was quite a bit distant, it was becoming more difficult to see her, and the whole “thing” was “off.” That’s the only way I can describe it to you, Dear Reader.
I remember texting her one morning, and I didn’t hear back from her, until much, much later in the day. That wasn’t characteristic of her. Well, long story short, I had enough. So around her quitting time from her job, I showed up, unannounced.
I remember the look of surprise and shock on her face, she definitely didn’t see that one coming. I remember her finishing up her day and we went outside to our vehicles. I also remember chatting about nothing for a moment, and then I popped the question:
“Do you want to keep seeing me or not?”
Her answer was a pause, and then “Eh.”
That was a “no” to me. Anything but a “yes,” was a no.
So I said, “I guess we’re done here. Can I have the key to my house back?”
She gave me my key back, I gave her her house key back, and then I kissed her goodbye and told her:
“No harm, no foul. If you change your mind, you know how to reach me.”
And then I walked away, got into my car, and drove home.
When it comes to the salient points, that was that. Oh don’t get me wrong, I heard from her almost a month later, but we never did meet up or get back together. She didn’t really want me, and I had already started moving on. How do you get over a woman? Get under another one. And that’s what I did.
Also: I was prepared for whatever answer that she chose to give me. If it had been a “yes,” there was things that I would have said and done for that answer. I was also prepared if she told me “no.” I was prepared and “good” with walking away. Never ask questions that you aren’t ready to hear an answer that you may not like, because you just might hear it.
I’m bringing this up because I almost had another “Terminator Moment” a week ago.
The belly dancer and I had been talking about stuff, mostly music, via text. I had said some things that were very important to me and ultimately she said, “Look, I gotta go.” She cut me off.
I told her goodnight, feeling perplexed, and a little hurt.
By the morning, I was not only still feeling a little hurt, I was angry.
As the day went on, my anger only grew. She texted me good morning and I all but ignored it. By the afternoon though, my anger had simmered down by quite a bit. Why? Several reasons:
- This wasn’t in character for her, it wasn’t who she was.
- It was a “Perfect Storm.” There were other things that had happened at the time that we were texting, things I’m not going to talk about, and it couldn’t have happened at a worse time.
- I can be emotional. I’m going to come back to this one as it is a part of the title of this post.
Later that afternoon, she wanted to see me. Needed to see me, as a matter of fact. It’s related to the stuff that I’m not going to talk about. But I went to see her. The things that had happened made me consider putting my hurt and anger on the backburner. What she was going through was more important. It could wait for another day and another time.
Except….
She asked me what was going on. She could tell that something was off. She could tell that I was distant. I initially told her it could wait for another day and time, but she wouldn’t have it, so I opened a potential “can of worms.” I didn’t care though, that’s the thing. I was willing and ready to “go there.” And if it meant that I would hand her her key back to her place and walk out of her life, I was willing to do it. So I went there.
“I thought there’s only one real deal breaker for me, and that’s deception. If I can’t trust you, there’s no point in continuing what we are doing. I realize now though, that I have another one. And that’s being made a fool of. I don’t like feeling foolish, and how things ended last night, I feel like a fool.”
I used to think that it was being “disrespected.” And it is, don’t get me wrong, but there’s disrespect, and there’s being made a fool of. Being made a fool of would fall under the umbrella of disrespect, but for me, it’s its own entity. For years I have said that being disrespected was a deal breaker, and it can be, but what I really meant is that I won’t be played for a fool.
The look of horror on her face was enough. You see, I know she wasn’t playing me for a fool. I know her character better than that. I know it was the “perfect storm,” and I know it definitely wasn’t intentional. But at the time, I was angry and I felt foolish just the same.
Which ties into the “emotional/analytical” part of the title:
I was talking to a guy just the other day, and we were “swapping notes.” Some of the things he said made me realize just how analytical he is. The questions he asked, his job, etc. That made me think of Mystery and the Mystery Method from many years ago. Most of the guys who came to Mystery to learn from him were very analytical. Engineers, computer programmers, architects. Those kind of guys. Guys who solve equations and problems. Guys who need a system and tend to look at things as a “game.” Guys who tend to take things literally, but not necessarily personally. And it made me think about how I operate.
I’m not nearly as analytical as your average bear. In fact, I would say that I’m far more emotional. What does that mean? Well, on the positive side, I think I’m far more fluent in “womanese.” I understand subtext better. I can walk in the “world of women” better than your average guy. I can empathize better and I know how to excite a woman better than most guys I know. I can adapt and improvise easily and “fly by the seat of my pants.” In fact, that’s usually my “system.” I “wing it” and go from there. I’m definitely able to “be in my body” instead of “in my head.”
On the downside, I can overreact, jump to conclusions that aren’t accurate or necessarily true, and tend to say or do things that I’ll ultimately regret later. I also have a tendency to take things personal, when in hindsight, I didn’t need to take things personal. I have a big mouth, always have. Add alcohol to that, and the “filters” tend to get “dimmed down,” or go away altogether. It’s a recipe for disaster.
Hey! Look at me analyzing my emotionalism! I’m not saying that I’m not analytical, I’m just not as analytical as the average guy who I talk to about getting laid. My analysis usually happens after-the-fact as well. Hence the open mouth, insert foot. Take it or leave it, here it is. Welcome to me, welcome to my world.
I have learned though as I have grown in years. I have learned to keep my mouth shut more often than not. I’ve learned to breathe and countdown from 10 before I open my yap. I’ve learned that booze removes those filters, so I have also learned to either abstain from drinking or to severely curtail it, especially in the company of women. I know that most things aren’t personal. And I’ve also learned where many of my boundaries are. I also know what will happen if those boundaries are crossed.
The belly dancer and I? We’re good. I said what I needed to say, she said what she needed to say, and it’s “water under the bridge.” While I know her about as well as anyone can know another person, she also knows me pretty well too. There was no need to use Dread, and there was no need to “terminate” the relationship.
Sometimes I run across accounts on Twitter that say, “Dude, just next her!” when given a certain scenario or situation. Sometimes that may in fact be the correct course of action. Sometimes though, maybe you need to shut your yap, breathe, countdown from 10, listen, and then go from there. Not everything requires a “next.”
Rob Says 
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